The story of my life.

*fowl language*

“Listen to me, I still love you, but as a friend, not a husband. I'm sorry. I think we have to tell the kids that we are going through stuff. We don't have to tell all the details, but at least tell them that we -”

This was a conversation I heard while laying in bed about a week ago. It was between my parents. I did not hear any more after that because I had thrown my pillow over my head to muffle my screaming. That's all I remember for now, because I blacked out.

Even though that conversation was a few weeks ago, they actually told me and my siblings about it Thursday, April 14th, 2022. I am the youngest of 4. My sibling’s names are Liam, Phin and Abhainn.

Ever since I was about 11, I knew something was up with my parents. I did not know what, but it was not normal. It did not feel right. It kinda freaked me out. It made me grow apart from my mom and dad. Not a lot, but it still did. Ever since I heard that conversation between my parents, I have been trying to not be really mad at them, but I am goddamn pissed. One of the worst parts is that my head won't shut the hell up. It's screaming. Screaming stuff like “FUCK!!” and “goddamnit!” It gets pretty frustrating after a while. I even get anxiety attacks.

***

Tuesday, May 3rd, 2022

Most of my anger is gone now. There is still a little bit left, but not a lot. It's mostly just hurt and pain. A hell lot of it. But, what can I do? It's not my fault that Mom and Dad are going through hard times. It still hurts, and there are days that I am really not ok, but that's fine because I think I have finally accepted that what Mom and Dad are going through is their own shit that they have to take care of. Yes, they have a weird way of doing so, but at least they are mostly honest with themselves and each other….. As far as I know.

I do sometimes get into a really bad attitude which is not good. I start thinking stuff that I should not be, like really violent stuff. This especially happens at night when I'm pissed off at someone, feeling alone or just have too much time and quiet around me to think bad stuff like that. For example, the other night I was at Liam and Abhainn’s track meet and I was hanging out with Liam's friend, Nick. Well, anyway, we were at the track meet and me and Nick were up at the top of the bleachers. There was a shot-put sitting on one of the benches and he jokingly said, “I'll give you 5 bucks if you can hit someone in the head with that!” I laugh, but in my head I play out what I think that would look like. The shot-put smashing the person’s head open. It would be pretty messy, but interesting. That was not all, but that is all I'm gonna say for now, about the bad thoughts. Later into the night, after me and Nick walked around for a while and hung out with Liam and watched him run, we were sitting on the top of the bleachers and there was this kid sitting kinda close to us. His name was Jeremiah. Well, anyway, I told Nick that my whole body was shaking, not from cold though, and Jeremiah said, “why? Is it because of you sitting with Nick?” What Jeremiah said made me so mad because I was not shaking couse of Nick, I was shaking cuz of my head not shutting the fuck up. It was screaming again. The swear words. The suicidal shit. The extremely violent stuff. And I could not make them stop, so I was shaking. Nick knew this because I told him about it earlier into the night. So it made him mad too. He punched Jeremiah in the stomach and told him to shut the hell up.

A lot of times when I am in a car, I imagine the car crashing, flipping and even exploding. I kinda feel like if other people thought that, they would be pretty freaked out, but when I think about it, it sort of interests me. It doesn't scare me. Whenever I think about any kind of death, like me dying, it does not freak me out. I'm kinda like, “oh. Hello again. You're back. No, I'm not going to go with you today. Maybe a different day.” Yea, I think my head might be a little fucked up. Maybe I should go to therapy.

My mom and dad and even my kind-of-friend, Leah, will sometimes ask me if I'm ok. What kind of a fucking qestion is that? Of course I'm not. But I'm not going to tell them all this stuff that's in my head. So I just say, “I'm fine.” and, I think that if they actually cared, they would NOT leave it at that. They would dig a little deeper. Not just be like, “ok! You know you can always talk to me if you want to!” (God, I hate enthusiasm.) And i'm not going to go talk to someone who does not care, unless it's someone who whether or not they care, they actually at least try to help me.

Another thing is saying, “I love you.” I dont really know why, but that is fucking hard for me to say. Especially to Mom and Dad. Yea I love ‘em, but, …. If I do, then why the hell can I physically not say “I love you too” to them if they tell me that they love me? For example, one of them drops me off somewhere and tells me, “love you!” and all I say back is, “mhm. See ya later.” For some reason, it also pisses me off a little bit when they tell me they love me. I kinda think to myself when they say that, “mhm. Well, you sure seem like you do! Pretending like you care about me, when it really feels like you don't! Fuck you!” So yeah, I think pretty rude stuff. I sometimes try to convince myself that I feel bad for thinking that, but do I? 

***

June 6th.

A lot of time has passed now. Since my mom and dad announced their splitting up. I kinda feel like I've gotten worse. There are only a few people that I trust now. The people that have lost my trust especially are Mom, Dad and Leah. Ever since my mom and dad told me and my siblings that they were splitting up, Leah was really hard to be around. If I had a tiny little anxiety attack, she would sort of pull away from me. I If I was having a hard time, as in getting back into the dark, violent and suicidal stuff, she would be like, “why are you being so grouchy?” That's all she would do. She would not ask if I was ok or anything like that. I was getting really sick of this so one night I texted her. I said, “Hey Leah, are you ok? You have seemed really off lately and I'm kinda confused.” We had a sort-of long conversation and what I got from her was basically this, “Yeah I'm fine. I was just giving you space to be grouchy and stuff. Also, I can't be the one you complain to about all of your “issues” because I think you are just being dramatic and that your issues are kinda fake and I'm sorry but I can't give you any sympathy.” So yeah, I have a hard time trusting people now.

I hope you liked my story. I'm sorry it ended so abruptly, but I was coming to the word count limit. Also, this is a true story.

~Lydia