Nothing But

“Come on! Get a grip. It’s only a party.”

“Yeah, but all those people…”

“Well, d’uh! Party. People. They kinda go together, don’t you think?”

“Suppose so.”

“So come on. Snap out of it. Get out of the car. Walk up the path. Ring the bell.”

“Is this the right address, though?”

“You’ve checked it twice already.”

“Better check again.”

“Go on then, if you must … Well?”

“Yeah. It’s right. But maybe I’ll just stay here a few minutes. You know, ‘stiffen the sinews’ and all that.”

“Jesus wept! Get. Out. Of. The. Car!”

“All right, all right! I’m going. Now where did I put that bottle? That’s odd. I could have sworn I brought a bottle of wine from the house.”

“You put it in the boot, remember?”

“Ah, yeah, that’s right. I forgot. My old brain cells…”

“You didn’t forget. It’s an old trick. Sub-conscious playing-for-time.”

“You think so? Maybe you’re right.”

“I know I am.”

“Now, in case I get stopped on the way home, I’ll just check that I’ve got my car documents in the glo–“

“Don’t you dare! GET OUT OF THE CAR!”

“Okay, okay. Take it easy!”

“You make it hard.”

“To do what?”

“Take it easy.”

“Sorry. All right. Here goes.”

“That’s it. You’re out! Now, lock the door. Open the boot. Take the wine. Close the boot. And … up the path we go. Good. One foot in front of the other. Left, right, left, right, left, right.”

“I’m doing it! I’m doing it!”

“You are!”

“Ah, this isn’t so diff– … oh, but hang on. Did I lock the car door?”

“Yes! Yes! You locked the door!”

“Are you sure?”

“I’m sure.”

“I’m not. Maybe I’ll just go back and check.”

“You don’t need to … ah, okay. Go back and check if it’ll make you feel better.”

“It will. I’ll be worrying about it all evening if I don’t. So … let’s see. Well, what do you know? I did lock it.”

“Told you so.”

“But as I’m here … those documents.”

“You just try it!”

“Come on, humour me. It’ll only take a jiffy.”

“For heaven’s sake!”

“Let’s see … yes they’re all here.”

“Okay, now … close the glove compartment. That’s it. And close the door. Right. Repeat after me: I have checked the documents and I have closed the glove compartment and the car door.”

“I’ve checked the documents and closed the glove compartment and the car door.”

“What did you say?”

“I’ve checked the documents and … et cetera.”

“And will you remember?”

“I will.”

“So … shall we go up the path now?”

“I might just–”

“Get up that path, you sorry excuse for a human being!”

“Oh, that’s going to make me feel a lot better that is!”

“You ask for it sometimes.”

“You’re supposed to support me, not insult me.”

“It’s for your own good.”

“If you say so. Well, here we go again then. Left, right, left, right, left … hang on! Did I lock the–?”

“What the–?!”

“Jus’ kiddin’. Got you that time.”

“Very funny.”

“Look at the house, though. They’re not short of a few bob, I bet.”

“Yes, yes.”

“The garden, too. Very nice. I’m sure they don’t look after it themselves. What flower is this?”

“There you go again.”

“What?”

“Playing for time.”

“I’m not! I’m just admiring the flowers and … er … shrubs. I wouldn’t mind having a garden myself, you know. We had one when I was a nipper, then we moved to the city and–“

“Come on, just a few more paces.”

“You’re a hard taskmaster, you are.”

“Someone’s got to do it.”

“I wish you weren’t so hard sometimes, though.”

“You’d still be on the sofa now if I weren’t – watching that box set of ‘Friends’ for the umpteenth time.”

“Nothing wrong with– … hey! Listen to that. Sounds like the party’s in full swing.”

“That’s good, isn’t it?”

“Well, it means it’s probably rammed with … you know … people.”

“We’ve already gone there. It’s a bloody party!”

“I know, I know. But you don’t understand. People means you have to speak to them. Or they’re watching you. Or you keep getting pushed up against them.”

“But a lot of people means you can get away with not speaking to them – just drift through the rooms, looking like you’re heading somewhere. And they’ll probably be watching each other anyway, not you. Who’d want to watch you?”

“What?”

“Jus’ kiddin’.”

“Ha ha! Touché.”

“Yes, you can find yourself a nice quiet little corner and maybe talk to their cat, or hover round the bookshelves pretending to admire their collection. Or do what you always do – hang about in the kitchen, sampling the cheese and pineapple on cocktail sticks.”

“Yeah, that’s true enough. ‘You’ll Always Find Me In The Kitchen At Parties’.”

“Good song.”

“You’re not wrong there.”

“Or, you know ... you could just speak to people.”

“Brrr! Perish the thought.”

“Show an interest. Find out about them. Engage.”

“It’s easy for you to say.”

“That’s because it’s easy.”

“Nah.”

“All right, whatever. Are you going to ring the bell or what?”

“You know, I could phone them and say something came up at work.”

“You’re joking, right?”

“They wouldn’t know any different.”

“You’re here now. Just ring the bell!”

“Okay! Okay! Here goes … ding-dong.”

“Avon calling!”

“You always say that.”

“I know. I am a creature of habit, I must admit.”

“You and me both. Hang on. Someone’s coming. Wish me luck.”

“Luck!”

“Hi, Deirdre! How are you?”

*****

“Well, that wasn’t so bad.”

“You had a great time, admit it!”

“All right, it was better than I expected.”

“As always.”

“You know, I think Deirdre might like me.”

“There you go.”

“She’s very nice, Deidre.”

“She seemed it when she answered the door.”

“Yes. Very interesting person. And not bad-looking, either.”

“A result, then?”

“Maybe. She told me to ring her in the week.”

“Great! And if you’d stayed at home…?”

“That wouldn’t have happened.”

“And so…?”

“Better out than in.”

“You’ve got it.”

“Tommy invited me to his house-warming next weekend, too.”

“You see!”

“But…”

“But what?”

“I’m dreading it already.”

“God, give me strength.”