The Name He Left Behind

The room was quiet, except for the faint beeping of the heart monitor, he gripped my hand with more strength than I expected, it was almost time, I could feel his soul slipping away, breaths slow & shallow, eyes wide open, staring into some distant oblivion, I didn't know what to do. Numbness wrapped around me like a heavy blanket. I look at him, he's so beautiful, chemo brushed the strands of his yesterday, but still, he's so beautiful. Then he began to mumble, words I couldn't make out. Maybe when a soul is departing, it clings to one last thing, a precious memory or regret, is he speaking about me? After all, I am the only one here and have been for the past 15 years.

I felt his grip tighten and his mumbling grew weaker. I went closer, desperate to catch the words. I did not understand them at first.

"Please tell Anna Scott I am sorry."

He kept repeating it over and over again as the beeping got fainter, I gripped him tightly, Please don't leave me, Aaron, what would my life be like without you, the slow faint rhythmic beeping stretched into a single piercing note that filled the room with its finality. Tears trickled down my eyes, of course, I knew this day would come but is anyone ever really ready for this? Amid the crushing numbness of losing Aaron, one thought stood out, sharp & clear: Who is Anna Scott?

It's been two weeks now since Aaron left, and every day feels like a hollow echo. Our home is filled with all of his things - his clothes, his books, his music. I lack the courage to give it all away. Not yet. Not when everything is still so... fresh. I went through the motions of the funeral arrangements, of consolations & quiet condolences, but in the back of my mind, something kept ringing Anna Scott... Anna Scott. Who is this person, I am sure I knew everything about Aaron, his entire life. How his mother died when he was 5 in a car accident, an absent alcoholic father who beat up his own child when he found out he was homosexual. How he was bullied in his college life for being different, excelled in education, computer geek, and was one of the most successful developers. I remember meeting him for the very first time in a rave, he was dancing all alone. He looked carefree and so handsome, I couldn't gather the courage to talk to him but I knew it and I could feel his eyes on me. It just worked between us somehow, we both had miserable pasts and it made us both stronger. He fought for me, held me tightly, and helped me get out of addiction. Life and his past made him so strong, he was my hero. He was my strength and now he is gone and everything feels hollow.

Curiosity made me look on the internet for Anna Scott, I couldn't find any connections between her and Aaron, who was she? Was she someone he knew from school? Maybe college? He had no friends or any contacts in college, I didn't know or ever met anyone. His colleagues don't know anything about Anna. Oh My God! Where do I look, I haven't slept in days, and I haven't gotten any closer, was he just blabbering random bullshit? Did I hear it all wrong? I feel like smoking up, but I really don't wanna go back to that, I want to calm myself down, I wish to sleep, I wish to get my appetite back, this desperation is killing me. I panic and decide to empty his cupboard, his desks, his drawers, and his study room in which half of the room is filled with a big wall of shelf full of books, his very own mini library. In the midst of all Murakamis and Kafkaesque when all hope is lost I find a small diary placed in the bottom corner of the shelf in the middle of two books, placed so neatly that would blind the keen eyes. I am not much of a reader so never really paid attention to the shelf in his study room.

It was a mini diary, just a few inches taller than a pocket-sized one. It was half full and seemed like haven't been touched in years. It was written by Aaron, I started reading it, it felt like his own memoir which was never finished, he wrote about his childhood traumas, all of which I knew, but I skimmed past it. I was hoping to find something about Anna Scott and what I found wrecked me, and changed my life, everything I knew about Aaron felt like a lie. How could I not know about this? I started shivering, it made me dizzy, I puked and puked, my eyes felt heavy, and I started throwing all his things around, everything I knew about this man was a lie. I hate him! I hate him! How could he do this to someone? How could he do this to me? I felt like cutting my wrist. I took a few deep breaths, and went back to his diary, hoping to read this entire thing this time. It's too difficult. I flipped the pages.

"Everything about my life feels like a lie, I don't deserve this life, how I can live with myself, not a single day goes by when I don't think about her. How could I do this to anyone? I am a...I don't know how to put a word to it but not a day goes by when I don't feel like submitting to my crime and being charged guilty for it, it feels claustrophobic to live this way, what is happening to me right now is a karma of my past. I deserve this and I hope my suffering never ends. My heartaches for Anna, I don't know if she's still alive, If she is I don't know if she thinks about me, I hope she doesn't, a 16-year-old boy forcing himself on a 15-year-old naive soul so that his father accepts him. I remember the bruises I left on her, the way I covered her mouth so she couldn't scream, strangled her body so she couldn't run, everything in the presence of my father, I could not hold back my tears while doing this but my old man wouldn't let me live if I didn't do it, he wasn't drunk like every day, I could see assassination written all over him when he arrived that night. It was late, I was reading and I heard the engine of his accord, and garage shutters being closed and ran to my room, I wasn't allowed to shut the door completely, always had to keep it ajar. I did as I was structured to do, I switched off the lights hoping the darkness wouldn't let him see me, and pretended to be sound asleep. I could hear his footsteps getting closer, I was hoping he would go to his room and the door creaked fully, the smell of whiskey completely surrounded my room. He splashed water on me and forced me to get up and follow him, he had his rubber spiked metal belt already out and I did as I was asked. I followed him to the garage, Our house was on the outskirts, and our very close neighbors were half a mile away. The surroundings were dark and empty all I could hear was the rhythmic hum of beetles echoing in the dark. He opened the truck of the accord and I saw my classmate Anna John Scott unconscious, all tied up. I was shocked and I knew what he wanted me to do right away. I looked at him in the eyes and begged for mercy, please let me go, please let her go, I beg of you Father, I will do anything you ask for but not this, Please! Please! Please! you are an inhumane, alcoholic bastard, please don't make me commit this sin, I kept on begging and I was met with the first hit on my face, I still didn't stop, another & another & another, he had devil written all over him, there was no stopping him that day, he pushed me closer to her. Picked her up and rested her on a wall, She was all tied up, and she looked so innocent, what did she ever do to be where she is right now, he again pushed me towards her, and I started pulling her frock up, I stopped and I look at him again but he hit me again, she opened her eyes and what happened next is too difficult to put in words... I thought we would be in jail but we never heard from Anna or anyone from her family, she never came to school again and in a few weeks news came that she left town and I never heard from her. I was forced but I wish I dared to stand up to what my old man made me do, I hope Anna is okay, cause I never can be. I hope."

My heart aches for Anna, I never really knew Aaron, was it his fault? could he have done something to prevent it? I don't know

I go to the internet again, I search for Anna John Scott this time, I find a few people of the same name. I read about them. One of Anna's Facebook profiles shows she's a teacher at a nursery school. The name was right. The age was right. The school listed on her profile matched Aaron's. I look at her display picture, soft, simple, tender and something tells me it's her. I can't stop thinking about her. It gnawed on me every waking moment, the name, the apology. I can't eat, I can't grieve, and I never really knew the person I shared my life with for the past 15 years. The nursery school is just 101 miles away from where I am right now, hardly a 5-hour drive. I want to see her but what will that good do to her? to Aaron? to me? but I won't be able to live with myself if I don't. It's almost midnight and I try to sleep, this bed doesn't feel the same anymore, nothing feels the same, I can't live in this house anymore. I think about all this as my eyes close. I wake up after a few hours it's 5am, I pour myself a drink of water, wash my face with cold water, and look in the mirror. The next thing I know I am on-road driving to Anna's nursery school. I drove like a person on auto-pilot, thoughts racing through my mind but never settling. Nothing makes sense.

I reach school and wait outside for what feels like hours. The bell rings, parents pick up their kids, and then there she is. Anna Scott steps out. She walks past me. In her own world. She didn't notice me. Why would she? I take a deep breath and walk towards her.

"Hi, Anna Scott?"

It feels surreal

"Yes, Hi."

Confusion in her eyes, she smiles politely, I am profusely sweating. Heart racing

"Do we know each other?" she asks

My mouth felt dry, I rehearsed this moment and I gathered some courage.

"No sorry...my name is Jude...Jude Williams..."

END