Cigarettes & Stars

Nancy sighed, leaned over the metal railing of her balcony, and lit a cigarette. The faint glow from the falling ash caught Cameron’s eye. He sat on his own balcony, admiring his potted plants and reading a book by the light filtering through his window. A light breeze fluttered the pages of his book, and he sat forward, looking towards the silhouette of the woman smoking next door.

“Those things are gonna kill ya, you know.”

Nancy sighed again, looked toward the tall man folded into the deck chair in the balcony next to her, and spoke.

“Gosh, I hope so.” She took a long drag, relishing the burning taste in her mouth, and blew it out slow and soft.

“Well, that’s morbid.” Cameron closed his book. “You seem stressed.”

Nancy couldn’t help the annoyance that crossed her face, but he didn’t see it in the darkness. This man had been her neighbor for about a year, and besides pleasantries shared in the elevator while on their separate ways to work, they hadn’t talked, and she definitely didn’t know him enough to spill her tragic guts to him from her balcony. 

“My husband and I are splitting up.”

Nancy shocked herself by blurting it out. Tears welled up in her eyes and she took another deep drag of the cigarette. There was silence for a few moments, and she felt so embarrassed she almost went inside.

“I’m sorry to hear that,” Cameron implored, “but these walls are thin, you know.”

Nancy felt a shiver go down her spine and she flicked the cigarette butt onto the balcony floor. She stamped it out with her shoe, probably harder than necessary. She felt exposed. 

--

“I brought home sandwiches, I hope you didn’t eat yet!” Nancy closed the door with her foot and spilled the sandwich bag and her work bag onto the counter. She slipped her shoes off, stretched her toes, and hung her jacket in the closet. The house was silent.

“Jacob?” Nancy paused. She walked into the living room.

Jacob was sitting on the couch, his head in his hands. He looked up at her, unbridled anger streaked across his face. Nancy instinctively took a step back and her face lost all color. It was going to be one of those nights.

“Where have you been, Nancy.” Jacob clapped his hands together forcefully. “I’ve been waiting for about an hour, and I know you weren’t at work.”

Nancy didn’t know what to say. Her ER shift ran a little bit late, and she came home immediately after picking up dinner. When she told him that, he stood up quickly.

“I know you weren’t there. I know it.” He stepped toward her and Nancy backed up into the kitchen.

“Jacob, I don’t know what to tell you,” Nancy’s voice cracked, a terrified lump forming in her throat. “I was at work, we were low on assistants today so I had to stay a little longer to help out.”

Jacob shook his head violently, slamming his hand down on the counter.

“You are such a LIAR.”

-- 

Cameron was silent for a little while, mulling over what he could say that wouldn’t upset her. He knew he had struck a chord, but it seemed like this woman needed someone to talk to who didn’t scream at her.

He had thought about calling the police many times, but he never heard her husband physically hurt her, and he knew how domestic violence calls went, especially when the violence was verbal threats and gaslighting instead of broken noses and black eyes. The bottom line was that the police would do nothing, and it may cause the husband (Jacob, he thought his name was) to escalate with her. 

“It’s not your fault, you know.” Cameron said simply. He looked up at his hanging spider plant swaying gently in the light breeze.

Nancy nodded, rocking on her heels and looking down at the street below. 

“I know it’s not. But it is my fault for marrying him.” It was the first time she’d said it out loud. It hurt.

Cameron gazed at her, a tired silhouette with what looked like years of trouble weighing on her back. He thought about how much of a shame it was for anyone to feel this way.

“Sometimes people show us their best sides, like the stars.” Cameron sighed. “They’re pretty, and alluring, but when you take a closer look, it’s just a whole shitshow explosion of fire and...and pain. The problem is that you don’t see the full, ugly shitshow until you’re already in it.”

“You sound like you’re speaking from personal experience.” She looked over at him.

“Maybe I am.” Cameron sighed again. “Either way, it’s not your fault. That’s all I want to say.” 

Nancy nodded, but she didn’t believe it. When you’re conditioned to believe that everything is your fault, it can be hard to think anything else.

“I know you don’t believe it. I didn’t at first.” Cameron ventured. “But you will eventually.”

He stood up, pushed his balcony chair in the corner, and drummed his fingers on his book. 

“Good luck, Nancy.” Cameron smiled wryly and went inside. 

Nancy hugged herself against the cool night breeze. She hoped he was right.

-- 

Nancy streaked the light blue paint across the wall and reveled in how pretty it looked with the sunshine streaming in through the windows.

It was time for a fresh start, and while she loved her apartment too much to move, she figured new paint and redecorating would help her move on. She sighed in satisfaction before realizing she slopped the blue paint across her forearm. Oh, well. 

She put her hands on her hips, looking at her handiwork and the open space across the living room and kitchen. She got rid of that ugly leather couch that Jacob loved so much and replaced it with a sleek, floral piece that she thrifted for $20. Looking at all the space, Nancy mused about getting a dog. Her heart felt full.

She opened the door to the balcony to air out the paint smell. She caught a glimpse of her neighbor sitting on his balcony reading. Nancy waved to him, and he waved back. She went back inside and finished painting the wall.

Nancy realized it was the first time in a long time that she didn’t crave a cigarette.