1 2 3 4

Because this is the only way you’ll learn.   No, no buts. . . You’ve tried videos from the library, we’ve tried private lessons, we’ve tried everything else, but looks like I’ll have to teach you step by step, forget the pun.  

     Crap.  See, I’ve never been no good at dancing.  I been told I got two left feet, told to stop stepping on the lady’s toes, I been told I ain’t got no sense of rhythm, I fall down on the floor (not break dancing), and dancing be something I ain’t never been no good at.   People be staring at me, laughing,  but I ain’t never been no good at dancing.  

    just listen to the music and count:  1, 2, 3, 4.   1, 2, 3, 4.  

    Maybe I be deaf or tone deaf or something, I just hear loud bangs and bongs.   I don’t hear no 1, 2, 3, 4.    I hear different words in music like “I’ll always love you “.   I don’t hear no counting so I tell her that.   She sighs.  

    No.  The singer don’t sing 1, 2, 3, 4. It’s the best of the music.   Maybe we need to go into music theory so you can dance.  

    Okey Dokey

    See, this song, “I’ll always love you” by Dolly Parton is in 4 / 4 time.   That means a quarter note.  Wait, you know what a quarter note is?  

     I reach in my pocket and pull it out.  

     No, that’s a quarter.   But do you know why it’s called a quarter?

     I think and then shake my head.   

    It’s called a quarter since it’s a quarter of a dollar.   Twenty-five times four equals a hundred.   Now, 4 quarter notes equals a whole note.  Does that make sense?  

    I think about it.  

    I can see by the look on your face, you don’t   This makes no sense to you at all.  So, why don’t we try clapping our hands really slow.  

   I do a golf clap I saw on TV

   No, no, not soft, slow.  Let’s count 1, 2, 3, 4.  

    So I count like she says, then she claps on 1 and says the rest of the numbers.  

    Good,   Now let’s try clapping on 2 and 4.  

    I get a bit confused, but after a minute, I get it.  

    That was very good.   Now, instead of clapping, we’re going to step on 2 and 4.  

    She shows me real slow.   1, 2, step, 3, 4 step.  

   So, I do that and it’s going real good, but then her boobs knock into my arm and I back up and say I’m sorry and start to walk away.  

    Wait, come back, you’re doing fine.   Then, there’s a pregnant pause.   That isn’t a big deal if that happens by accident.   If you do it on purpose, then it’s a problem.  Otherwise just keep going 1, 2, 3, 4 and stepping on 2 and 4.  When we get this down, we can add more.   And, at least in America, the man leads.  1, ,2, step, 3, 4 step.  

   We go over this for half an hour, and it’s going real good.   Then, I feel something and try to explain it to her.  

      No, no, you don’t go on one, you go on two and four.  

    No, I need go one.  

   She stops dancing and thinks and the lightbulb goes off in her eyes.  You need to go number one.  

    I nod my head.  

    What you have to do then is tell your partner you need to use the facilities and go to the bathroom, wash your hands, dry your hands, and come back.  

     I do that.  When I come back she tries to explain something about twirling or twisting, or something with dance.  

    1, 2, 3, or four.  

    That’s a good question.   It can really be done on any of them.   Then, you go back to 1, 2, step, 3, 4 step.   Okay?

    I nod.  

    1, 2, step, 3, 4 step.   1, twirl, 2, twirl, 3 twirl, four twirl, 1 twirl.  

    No wait, you don’t keep twirling your partner.   Just twirl me for one beat.  

    We try again.  1, twirl, 2, 3, 4,   1, twirl, 2, 3, 4.   Repeat.  

     No wait, you switch it up.   Don’t do the same thing over and over.  

     But you said . . .

    I finally got him to twirl on one for the first measure, two for the second measure, etc.   It wasn’t easy but he finally got it.   Then I had to explain small talk.   You know, small talk, like when you talk about the weather or sports and things.   I see by the look on your face you have no idea what I’m talking about.   I’ll start.   Hi I’m Ms Burns . . . Now you say.  

      I know your name’s Ms Burns.  

      No, see this is practice for when you actually go to the dance.  I’ll pick a fake name.   Hi, my name is Jessica and I’ve extended my hand out.  

      No, it’s not.   Your name is Ms. Burns

     Ok.  This we’re having trouble with.   So, this is make believe.   Imagine I’m a girl. 

      You are a girl.  

     Yes, I know that.   Pretend I’m a girl your age. 

     Ok.  

     And my name is Jessica.  Now, let’s try this again.   Hi, my name is Jessica.  And I put my hand out.  

    Me be Ralph.  

     That was close.   That was good actually, but instead of me be say I am.  

    No me be, i am. 

That’s right.   So, let’s try it again.   Hi.  My name is Jessica.  I put my hand out.  

    I am me be Ralph.  

     No, that was close.   But it’s just I am Ralph.   Remember?   Me only comes at the end of a sentence.   And be usually comes at the end of a sentence, but not always.  

     Be me I am Ralph?

     No.   I am Ralph.  Just I am Ralph.  Say that.  

    I am Ralph?   

    Right, hi Ralph.  I’m Jessica.   I put my hand out and you shake my hand.  Good.  

     1, 2, 3, 4?

     No, say would you like to dance?

     Would I like to dance?  

     No, you say, would You like to dance?  

     I don’t get it.  

     You’re asking if she wants to dance with you.  

    Who’s you?  

     You is Ralph.  

     I’m Ralph.  

     That’s right and you’re asking Jessica if she wants to dance with you.  

    I think I get it.   But what if her name ain’t Jessica?

     Then you call her by whatever her name is.  

     You think that she’d dance with me?

     Yes, I do.  

     But I’m a . . . 

     No, you’re not.   Ask.  All they can say is no.