When There's a Chance to Let Go by Rain Begines

“To my love, Elliot,” Susan’s voice echoes through my mind, sounding like a melodic song playing on repeat. 

I felt the cool wind on my face as I stood in the park. I took a deep breath, folding up the letter, and holding it close to my chest. I wasn’t strong enough to read it further. I closed my eyes tightly and leaned against the tree. Our tree. After a moment, I opened my eyes and put the letter in my pocket. 

“I’ll see you soon.” I whispered, my fingers lightly brushing over the engraving that reads “S.B+E.SJ”. 

I took one last glance at the tree. Our beautiful tree. I remember.

“Up for a little fun, Mr. St. James?” Susan suggested, grabbing a small pocket knife out of her left boot. 

I cocked a brow, “You aren’t going to try and murder me, are you?” I replied, a smile tugging on my lips. 

Susan rolled her vibrant emerald eyes and opened the pocket knife, pointing the knife at me. 

“Don’t give me an excuse too.” She threatened playfully, obviously trying very hard not to smile. 

I laughed and stood up off of the grass, holding out a hand. 

“Alright, Velma Barfield.” I joked. 

“What fun are you getting us into?” I asked curiously. 

Susan hesitantly took my hand and glanced at the beautiful tree behind us as a wide grin spread across her face. 

Our first date was special. I knew she was the one from the start. I shook away the memory and made my way home. As I left the park, I kept my head low. My home is across a very petite town in Fordwich, England. 

“Oh, Elliot!” An obnoxiously high voice called from behind me.

 I knew it was Annabel, the owner of the flower shop. With a huff, I continued walking, pretending I didn’t hear. 

“Elliot! Wait up!” Annabel called out again grabbing my arm. 

“Finally! You walk fast, love.” She said do out of breath. 

I paused. Annabel combed out her untidy, shoulder-length, light brown hair with her hands and smiled up at me. 

“Can I help you?” I questioned, a bit snippy. 

“I-I was just going to…” Her voice trailed off.

 She looked at me, a saddened expression spreading across her face.

 “She left too soon,” Annabel whispered, giving my arm a light squeeze before letting go. 

She adjusted her light orange apron and gave me a comforting smile. 

“I’ll see you this afternoon.” She added softly. 

My eyes fell to the ground. I quickly nodded and walked off. 

“Mr. St. James! Tea? On me?” A Scottish voice called. 

I looked to see Jeffrey, my boss, and the town handyman. He jogged towards me and walked with me, a smile on his face.

 “I-I dunno, Jeff. I’ve got to get ready.” I replied, standing up straighter as we walked. 

“Come on, lad. Just a few minutes.” He asked me again, adjusting his toolbelt. 

I thought for a moment and shook my head. 

 “Sure is a beautiful mornin… Welp, if ye change yer mind, ya know where to find meh.” He said, looking around. 

I nodded in reply, my eyes focused on the cobble path. 

 “I’ll see ye this afternoon!” Jeffery called to me as he walked away. 

I took a deep breath and continued my way home, my eyes drifting to the shoes of my fellow townspeople. Soon, I arrived home. The only blue house on our street. I unlocked our bright yellow door and went inside. I hadn’t been inside the house since the night she left. I spent two weeks living at my best mate Noah’s house. As the door swung open, the smell of garbage filled the air. I hesitantly stepped inside, my heart heavy. The house was a mess. Empty bottles of beer were left on the living room sofas and shelves. In the kitchen, there was a strong smell of leftover pizza while dishes were piled in the sink and on the counters. I made my way to the bedroom, in which clothes were everywhere. I stood in the doorway, staring at the bed. The very place she had slept next to me for years, the place she first told me she was sick. I remember. 

“Susan?” I called, rushing to where the sound of the scream was.

 I found Susan on the bed, a chunk of her hair in her hands. 

“Are you alright?” I asked frantically, concerned. 

“M-my hair...” Susan replied, running her fingers through her long blonde hair.

 A large handful of it came out. Susan took a deep breath and looked at me with fearful eyes. 

“Elliot, I need to tell you something.” She said, patting the spot next to her. 

I sat down, waiting for her to continue. I didn’t know what to expect. You don’t usually find hair falling out like that. 

“During my doctor’s appointment last week, I had gotten some unexpected news,” Susan whispered, her eyes focused on the hair in her hands. 

I understood now, “You-” 

“Please. Let me finish.” Susan interrupted. 

“There is nothing to say.” 

“Just let me say it.” 

“I know what you’re going to tell me..” 

“Shut up!” Susan raised her voice, tears filling her eyes. 

She couldn’t even look at me as she focused on the hair, she whispered, “I’m sick.” 

I could feel my heart beating quickly. I took a deep breath and pulled her into an embrace. 

“You’ll get through this. We’ll get through this.” I whispered, holding her close. 

A few minutes went by and I picked Susan up. 

“Elliot?” Susan asked, holding onto me.

 I kept quiet as I carried her to our bathroom. Setting her on the lid of the loo then opened the medicine cabinet.

 “What’s going on, love?” Susan questioned, watching me curiously. 

I reached in and got out the razor. 

“Oh, no. Elliot. Don’t do it.” Susan said, her eyes wide. 

I gave her a mischievous smile and plugged it in.

 “Elliot. Come on.” Susan said a bit louder, standing up. 

I turned on the razor. 

“No. Elliot. Put that away!” Susan ordered, reaching for the razor. 

I moved it away from her and shaved a part of my head. 

“Oh, my giddy aunt!” Susan screamed, as her mouth fell open. 

I couldn’t help but laugh. I continued to shave my head as Susan watched in shock. 

She sat back down on the loo and covered her eyes, “I can’t watch this. Tell me when it’s over.” 

After a moment, I was completely bald. I turned off the razor and set it aside, admiring my new look in the mirror. 

“Well? You can open your eyes now.” I said with a smile, turning to Susan. 

She slowly moved her hands away from her face and began crying at the sight of me. 

“What? Is it that bad?” I asked, my smile falling. 

Susan stood up to be on her tiptoes as she placed a kiss on my cheek. 

“Thank you.” She whispered, sneakily reaching behind me to grab the razor. 

She turned it on and backed away, shaving a large piece of hair off. 

“OH, MY GIDDY AUNT! I DID IT!” Susan exclaimed, shaving more.

 I laughed at her wide-eyed expression. 

That night was one of my favorites. I waved away the memory and made my way to the closet. I pulled out my black tux, the one I wore on our wedding day. 

Memories flooded my head. Like the time I proposed, right by our tree. I surprised Susan by having her family hide in the nearby trees. I remember the time we got married. I recall her getting so nervous, she was sick and we had to reschedule our wedding for the next day. Such happy times they were…

 I shook away the memories and got ready for this afternoon. As I was leaving the house, I tripped over an empty beer bottle.

“Oh, bloody hell!” I shouted, getting up and kicked the bottle. 

I had kicked it so hard, it flew to the other side of the room and shattered. I rolled my eyes and slammed the door behind me, heading back into the main part of town. 

“Oh, Elliot!” A female voice called. 

I turned to see a skinny woman with bright red hair and soft brown eyes. It was the librarian, Gracie. 

“Yes?” I replied, my voice cold, hurt. 

My eyes wandered to the building Gracie had just come from. Memories flooded my head as I stared through the window. I remember. 

“Why, Susan, you’re hairs gone!” Gracie announced as Susan and I walked into the library. 

Susan giggled. 

“You like it? I needed a new look.” She replied, rubbing her bald head.

 Gracie looked up at me for a second and then back at Susan. 

“Looks like you weren’t the only one who got a new look,” Gracie commented.

“Turn around Elliot. Let me see the back!” she joked, laughing up a storm with Susan.

 I rolled my eyes playfully. 

“Aww. We were only playing, love.” Susan assured, a huge smile still on her face.

 She grabbed my hand and pulled me away, waving Gracie goodbye for now. Susan took me back to a table behind the history section, which was hidden from everyone in the library, yet visible to the outside from the window. She sat down.

 “I thought you were dying to have that new romance novel?” I chuckled, sitting beside her. 

Susan shook her head, pulling out an old receipt from her pocket. 

“I have an idea.” She whispered, reaching into my shirt pocket and taking out my pen. 

“What are you doing?” I asked, raising a brow, “What are we going to do on the back of an old receipt?” 

Susan smiled determinedly. 

“We are going to write out everything we want for our future.” She exclaimed, staring into my eyes.

 Oh her gorgeous emerald eyes. One look and I could feel those butterflies in my stomach. Those mesmerizing eyes. I could practically hear my heart pounding, it sounded like a drum. 

“So,” Susan began, looking down at the receipt.

 I leaned back in my seat and thought for a minute. 

“Well, obviously I’d have to marry you,” I said, grabbing her hand and fidgeting with her engagement ring.

 Susan laughed.

 “Well, duh. My mother would kill you if you decided to leave me.” She joked, glaring at me playfully.

 “Your family is very violent.” I smiled, kissing her cheek.

 Susan stuck out her tongue and then scribbled onto the receipt. 

“Now what?” She questioned, staring off into space. 

She then jumped up and paced the floor next to the table. 

“Honeymoon in America?” She suggested, writing it down.

 I jumped up exclaiming, “A big home on the other side of town!”

Susan nodded quickly. 

“The nicer homes. I like how you think Mr. St. James.” Susan sat down on top of the table, writing idea after idea. 

“Does the future us have kids?” She asked, crossing her legs.

 I shrugged, “Do we?” 

“Yes… Three kids. Two girls and a boy. George, Teresa, and May.” She said a smile on her lips. 

She wrote it down slowly, “What else?”  

We continued shouting out our ideas until we had been in the library for the entire day. 

“Guys. Closing time.” Gracie whispered, leaning against a bookcase. 

Susan looked at her watch and laughed, “We’ve been here all day Elliot!” 

Susan hugged me tight and I placed a kiss on her forehead.

 “Elliot?” A female voice questioned. 

“Hello?” The voice questioned again. 

“Elliot. Were you listening?” 

I snapped out of my thoughts, turning to see Gracie. 

“I’m sorry. What?” I asked confusedly. Gracie gave me a sympathetic hug. 

“I know you miss her… She was my best friend. I miss her too…” She said, her eyes tearing up. 

“Anyway. I’m going to be a little late. Could you get this to Father Bell?” She put on a smile and handed me a bible. 

I nodded in response.

“Thank you,” Grace whispered, hugging me quickly. 

“Well. Off you go, or you’ll be late too.” She added, waving me away. 

I held the bible tightly and headed to the church. The church… The very place my love would lay in a casket. The very place our friends and family would talk to me and wish me luck in life alone. The very place I’d be hugged and asked how I’m doing, in which I’d reply “I’m doing just fine” with a forced smile. I stared at the stone steps to the church, a frown on my face. I wasn’t ready. Two weeks since she died and I could not grasp enough confidence to go inside. I spent days getting drunk and feeling only half alive. My other half died. My light, my joy, my world, gone with the lack of just one breath. One puny breath. Noah helped me get back on my feet, celebrating the small moments with me. Like showering for the first time in days or actually putting on clean clothes. I was a mess. I mean, I wouldn’t say I’m not still a mess just for leaving Noah’s home for the first time in two weeks. 

“Elliot? Are you going in?” Annabel asked, walking up to me. She smiled gently and held open the church door for me. 

“Deep breaths.” She whispered, gesturing for me to go inside. 

I took one deep breath, clutched onto the bible, and then slowly dragged myself inside. Friends and family were gathered in different places, one at a time noticing me here and giving me that same “sorry for your loss” smile. I sat down in a seat near the back. 

“You ready?” A voice questioned. I turned around to see Father Bell, the priest.

“I guess,” I replied, handing him his bible. 

Father Bell thanked me quietly and then walked up to the front, right by the open casket. I watched him the entire way, drowning out the noise of people telling their favorite memories with Susan. 

“Good afternoon.” Father Bell said, clearing his throat. 

Everyone slowly made their way to sit down. The service began. I wasn’t paying attention. My thoughts drifted to so many places. It hit me again. 

“My light, my joy, my world, is gone,” I muttered to myself. 

“Elliot? You okay?” A voice asked.

 I looked up to see Noah. 

“Yeah, I’m fine,” I replied, faking a smile. Noah nodded. 

“Well, the service is over….” I tuned his voice out slowly. 

My eyes wandered the church frantically. I missed the service. I had been distracted. In my head. I wasn’t really here. I watched as people said their goodbyes to their friends and left. I watched people go to the casket to pray. The church was becoming less and less crowded. My friends and family were leaving. Yes, it was just to go home. But somehow, it felt like I was being abandoned. 

“so yeah.” Noah finished, patting my back. 

I snapped out of my thoughts, “Huh?”

“See ya, pal.” He said before leaving. 

I looked around again. More and more people were leaving to go home. I caught a glance of the casket. The elegant and shiny oak casket.

“You should go up there.” Jeff’s voice whispered as his arm was put around me. 

I continued to stare at the casket.

“Say yer prayers. It’s good to send her away.” He said, staring at the casket as well. 

I sighed, my eyes darting to Susan’s picture on a table. I felt my heart drop.

“Why do I have to say goodbye?” I asked quietly, dropping my smile.

 Jeff opened his mouth to speak but said nothing. 

“If losing her is supposed to be the worst thing, why do I feel absolutely heartbroken when I have to say goodbye?” I added, tears piercing my eyes. 

Jeff removed his arm from around me. He sat in a seat nearby and motioned for me to sit with him. I sat down, my eyes still glued to her picture.

“It’s not the sayin goodbye thas hard, lad. It’s the letting her free that hurts ye.” He said, a hand on my shoulder. 

“Ya need to let ‘er go. Or ye will be like this forever.” He added, giving my shoulder a quick squeeze before letting go. 

I nodded. 

“Thank you, Jeff,” I whispered, looking at him. 

He smiled and stood up. 

“I’ma get meself home. Goodnight lad.” He responded before leaving.

I looked around. It seemed like I was the only one left. I looked at the casket. 

“Let her go,” I repeated to myself.

 I stood up and slowly walked up to the casket. I kneeled before it, reaching into my pocket, and pulled out Susan’s letter. I took a deep breath. 

“To my love, Elliot,” Susan’s voice echoes through my mind. My eyes scan over the words she m carefully wrote out, her voice sounding like a song on repeat. I began to tear up, her words like a dagger piercing through my heart. 

“Never forget. I am always with you. Yours forever, Susan~” I read out loud, Susan’s voice slowly trailing off.

 I looked at the casket, tears rolling down. 

“I am letting you go,” I yelled in a freeing tone.

 I felt a hand on my shoulder as Father Bell knelt beside me. 

“Should we pray?” He asked softly. 

I nodded, holding the letter close to my heart and closing my eyes. 

~

“Oh. Sorry. I didn’t see you there, Elliot.” Gracie said after she bumped into me.

 I smiled. 

“No need to apologize. It’s alright.” I assured her.

Gracie smiled back.

“Where are you headed?” She asked me, pulling her coat together.

“Church,” I replied, making eye contact. 

“Could I sit with you?” She questioned, combing her fingers through her fiery hair.

“Of course,” I responded, a slight blush on my face.

 Gracie linked her arm with mine as we walked to church.