Addiction

My head is spinning. I can’t even think straight. I’m riding a rollercoaster going so fast you can barely begin to digest what’s around you. And I feel like I’m going to throw up. 

I have started watching a lot of stuff now that I have a lot of free time in the summer, and I just can’t take my eyes off the screen. I’ve become addicted. My head ducks in shame as I look at my screen time from the present day. I used to make fun of people that would stay on the screens so much. Never would have I thought that I would become one of those people. 

At this point, it's so hard to quit, and I want to go back to how it used to be. In the first month of school being over, I read for a whole month. In fact, I read so much that everyone in my family started to get annoyed. I would read whenever I would eat, watch movies with my family. And I absolutely loved reading. 

I read murder mysteries. They kept me hooked till the very end so I could know who did it. It got me excited and pumped up my adrenaline. I like to think of reading as pumping blood throughout my body. Now I’m on my I-pad for 5-6 hours. 

I didn’t stop reading because of me. I loved reading and still do. The problem began with my confidence and self-esteem. I get embarrassed very very easily, and sometimes, it really discourages me. 

A month ago, my family did think I read too much. And they knew that I loved thrillers and I would read them all day. But they thought that reading thrillers didn’t make you smarter, so they suggested that I read non-fiction books. I did not heed their advice, and continued to read my thrillers. 

So one day, we were at the park, and we ran into my younger sister’s friend’s older brother. He is really smart apparently. He’s taking triple-advanced math classes and multiple AP classes. He is actually only 2 years older that me. Not that wise of a kid.  

My mom, like she does, told him that I love reading, and if he had any book suggestions for me. She told him that she wants me to start reading non-fiction books so it can help me improve my reading skills. (My scores are really low for reading comprehension). He told me that reading non-fiction will make me smarter. Fiction is just entertainment. I was remembering what my language arts teacher told me though. Any type of reading will help you become a better writer. And I love writing too. 

He asked me what I read to get an idea of certain books he could recommend. I answered honestly, but I tried to make my answer smart, and I got all nervous and I blurted out some biographies that I read recently. And they were great biographies, like Kevin Hart’s biography, and Tiffany Haddish. Those were the only things that came into my mind. 

He scoffed and started laughing. Those won’t help you. He had said. I was really embarrassed, because my sister and my mom were both listening and they told me repetitively that I should read non-fiction instead of the fun, entertaining books that I read.

I felt humiliated and degraded. I felt like I was the dumbest person in the world. Like I said before, I am very easily embarrassed, and that was what happened. 

He told me that I should read non-fiction, and he recommended a book he was reading then. The next morning, I usually just start reading, but I told myself that I would only try to read non-fiction books. 

I opened one of my non-fiction books, and started reading. Except the book was really boring. I tried to keep reading and keep myself alert, though I was on the verge of falling asleep. 

So I closed the book, and found another source of entertainment. And the only option that I had left was being on my i-pad, watching TV. So now, I watch 5-6 hours of TV a day, and reduced my reading period from 8 hours to ½ an hour a day.

I’m really not a nerd. All my classmates think I’m a nerd because I read so much, but reading is a good source of entertainment for me. It's better to read than listen to what my teacher was saying. You would not believe all the times that I got in trouble for reading during class. I want to be entertained. One way or another. And watching TV was a source of my entertainment.

Recently though, I was getting sick of watching so much TV, even though I’m addicted to it. So i decided that reading is better than watching TV. I tried to borrow books that I normally read, but it’s hard to try and get back in the groove after a few months and excessive amounts of time on screens. 

Then I tried to limit my time on screens, and like i said, I was addicted, and it was hard. But this story isn’t any happily ever after. I’m still not back. And I miss it. I miss the excitement I would get after turning each page, racing to the end to find out who’s going to jail. I really miss it. 

It's so hard though. How can you leave something that you had for months and multiple hours a day? How can you? 

This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and that’s saying something. It's probably the stupidest too. I wish I didn’t take that boy’s comment to my heart so seriously. Books are my heart. I know that that’s a really nerdy thing to say, but it's true. And i love books so much. You can’t just abandon something you love, can you? Even if you’re tearing yourself away from something. Something you’re obsessed with to the greatest extent. 

Addiction is horrible. Addiction can never be a good thing. Even to books. Books kind of had the same effect on my brain like it does now. It still makes my head spin. It makes me forget where I am, as my brain travels to different places. Whether it's in my TV show, and places where my characters live in my book. I would rather visit pages in my book than my TV show.