Why we wait

You lie there waiting for it. What you are waiting for you don’t know, but you knew you were waiting for something. And then it hits you like an arrow being shot towards a target. You are lying there on your bed sprawled out like a starfish. The cold air surrounding you, sending chills down your spine and goosebumps up your arms. The once bright yellow walls darken from the night sky. Your lights turn off like a flicker of fire from a lighter. You hear loud booms of thunder and the rain starting to fall. It seems to never stop, ever. It was once the thing that brought you happiness but not anymore. 

You can see the lightning flash outside of your window showing the raindrops falling from the sky, big and wet. You used to like rain because it seemed peaceful. It was almost like a rhythm you could listen to when you were angry or upset. It seemed to calm you down. But now all it does is make you angry. You feel so angry at times it is almost like a fire was being started inside of you. But as soon as that fire starts and blazes hotter than the sun, the rain puts it out. The sadness of the rain puts out your anger. You imagine the rain clouds to be the sky’s eyes, pouring with tears. Your anger is from all the mean comments, snickers, and faces. They never will understand. No one did except for her. 

But she ended her life so suddenly. She was the only one who brought the sun into your world of sad rain clouds. She was the only one who picked you up after you fell. She was the only one who loved you and cared about you. But she ended it leaving you with this anger because her last words to you were I love you but then she left. She left you with sadness that filled your whole body. Anger that she could just leave you in this horrible world without feeling regret. And anger because you let it happen. You needed her and you were there for her. But were you really? If you were there for her like she was there for you would she still be walking this earth next to you? You hate to think about it but it was the only thought that you can think about while you lie here now crumbled into a ball of your blanket and tears. 

With the last boom of thunder that rattles your house, your lights turn on. You manage to get yourself out of bed and stumble to your window. Your room smells of dust and the lingering scent of spoiled milk. You have refused to get out of bed for the last three days accepting only water and a couple of bowls of cereal. You look out your window, watching the last drizzle of rain come to a stop. The raindrops that are plastered to your window remind you of when you were a child watching the raindrops flowing down the window like it was a race. The rain has stopped but everything is still surrounded by darkness. You need to get out of your bedroom but you don’t know where to go. It then strikes you. You pull on a sweatshirt and slide flip flops onto your feet. 

You grab your keys and head out the door to your car. You start your car and can hear the low rumble of the engine. You start to drive in the middle of the night not knowing what time it is (You didn’t bother to check your phone.) After around thirty minutes of driving you to get to the place you want to be. You get out of the car and slam the door behind you hearing it echo in the silent night. You see no one here and you are far enough away from the roads to hear no cars. Just you and the moon. You walk down a small dirt path to where a wide lake that stretches on for miles presents itself. You walk onto the rickety wooden dock with boards missing here and there. You have to be very careful not to step on a weak board or slip on the slimy old moss covering the dock.  

You reach the end of the large dock and slide off your flip flops and sit at the edge. You let your feet dangle in the cold inky black water as you sit there, staring into the large lake. Trees go all around the lake providing a sense of privacy. You look down and see your reflection in the water. You can see your messy brown hair tangled in multiple knots, and your face looks overwhelmed with sorrow. You then see something else, no, someone else. You stare hard at the lapping water and can just make out a round face with blond curls and blue eyes. Faith? You notice the sweet smile at once and turn to the side of you but no one is there. 

“Stupid mind.”

You say, staring back into the water. You must have remembered all the times you met up with her at this exact spot. All the times you came here after school and worked on projects or skipped rocks. That was back when the dock was sturdy and taken care of. After a bad storm trees fell and the park got abandoned, but few people came back to it, including you, but not Faith. You bury your face in your hands and do something you haven’t done for years. You have held it back to be strong for others but now there was no one here to listen, no one here to ask for help, no one to be strong for. Tears roll down your cheeks slowly at first but now they just keep on coming like a constant stream. You cry and cry. You don’t care how ugly you probably look doing it because it feels good. But as soon as it started it stops. You have no tears left to cry, just sorrow and sadness left. Not even anger is in your body, just sadness. 

You look up at the lake, blurry from the remaining tears in your eyes, but you can make out only one thing for sure. The moon. Bright and round, crisp yet soft. You stare at it until the same thought that hits you over and over and over again hits you. You know what you are waiting for. You are waiting for the one thing people want to happen to you most. You are waiting for the thing you think about most. You were waiting for the soft, and silent sweep of death. You know it will come and go quickly, there was nothing preventing it. Your slight happiness from whatever it was that day was preventing it from happening, but now there is no happiness, just sadness that fills your heart, soul, and entire body. You don’t want it to happen. But do you? You take one good look at everything around you. The water lapping over and over again. The trees slightly swaying back and forth. The moon staying still. 

You look at it. You can see the grayish craters in it perfectly. The moon lets off this beautiful glow that lights up the lake. The beautiful, peaceful, quiet lake. You can see the moon hitting the ripples as you close your eyes. You imagine the ripples turning into stairs of white light. You imagine yourself walking up to them all the way to the moon. As you get closer and closer things start to go pure white. All of a sudden the stairs disappear and you are left in blinding light. You go to block your eyes from the light when you notice your hands have a luminescent glow to them. You look down at your arms and legs and they have them too! You look down at your feet which were once barefoot and in water and now you seem to be wearing brown sandals. 

You turn around in the bright light trying to gather your bearings and figure out what is going on when you realize you are in a white flowy chiton. You look forward and see nothing but light. You run, faster than you ever have before. You feel like a feather, light and airy but grounded. You run, hearing your heart in your head, and your legs feel like Jello. You run until you can’t run anymore. You then collapse to the ground not hearing a bang, or anything at all. As you start to wake up you open your eyes slowly expecting to be back on the dock, but to your surprise, you are not. 

“This can’t be real, I’m in a dream I know it.”

You look around and notice you are in a forest thick with trees and vines. Colorful flowers engulf you on the forest floor. Ahead of you is a dirt path lit by the bright sunlight of the day.

“Wait, it’s not morning, it's night, right?”

You pinch yourself to make sure you’re not dreaming, and much to your dismay you can feel the pinch. You slowly get up looking around you seeing bright birds fluttering above you singing sweet melodies. You slowly stand up onto your feet unsteady at first. You know you shouldn’t follow the path but it seems so safe. You walk cautiously waiting for a jump scare or someone to poke out say “You have been pranked!” But you hear nothing except the birds. You follow the path until it comes to a sudden stop. You look ahead seeing a large marble palace finished with gold edges. 

You can see a large marble staircase leading up to tall wooden doors from a distance. You walk forward intrigued by the beautiful building when you see a person walk down the stairs ever so gracefully. They walk towards you with a smiling and friendly face. You feel weird walking towards her but something about her makes you feel safe so you do. She picks up her speed a little until she stops in front of you.

“Is it really you?” 

You look her up and down. You see her long blond curls and bright blue eyes and recognize her immediately. 

“Faith what are you? You’re supposed to be dead!”

You have so many questions on your mind and you feel like you are going to explode. She then does something that surprises you the most. She slowly flies up into the air. You see her wings are white and feathered. But she shouldn’t have wings, she shouldn’t be alive! 

“Jessy, it’s so good to see you.”

“Hold up what is going on?”

You pulled away from her arms reaching out to hug you. 

“You left me in the first place.”

You yell, angry at her.

“I know and it was a mistake and I realize that now but I can’t go back.”

“So what is going on then?”

“You have died. You have become an angel and your job is to protect the people in distress.”

“I’m a what?!”

“You are an angel, you let all the happiness leave your body and so death was put upon you. I was trying to save you but you were so distressed I had to let you go. You now will live here looking down to the others and giving them guidance to live a happy life.”

“So you are real and I’m an angel now?”

“Yes, I am real. I left you because I couldn’t handle the stress of life anymore. I regret it because I could have had a life with you, but we have met again. Now maybe we can start where we left off?”

It all seems to click in your mind at once. You are in heaven, you let yourself drift away when you closed your eyes and now you are an angel and can see Faith again! You run towards her, your untangled neat hair flies behind you as you meet her open arms with a hug. At that moment you realized that you weren’t waiting for death, you were waiting for Faith.