Lee’s heart was pounding.
He was told to wait. There he was—sitting, silently praying. Patiently waiting.
Lee wrinkled his little nose from the pungent scent of antiseptic, while people in white moved their legs in haste. Everyone in the pristine, white corridor always seemed to be rushing forward. Despite that, Lee thought they moved like turtles along the marble floor.
The clock hanging on the wall before him whispered, “Tick-tock.” Maybe, just maybe, these whispers were like barks of orders to the nurses’ ears. It felt like that to him, too. The people, the corridor, the clock. Is it weird that despite their clean, white color they appear dull and gray? he thought to himself.
Lee looked to his right, at the far end of the corridor, at the double glass door with a green Exit sign above it. It didn’t move.
But he waited. Patiently.
After all, he was told to wait.
Lee stared at his shoes with a dark red spot. They were beating a relentless drum against the cold floor. His socks are perfectly paired, like they should be. His mother would give him the “look” if they were mismatched. Now, how could his mother give him that look if she’s inside a room filled with strangers in white, eyes closed. Oh, how he wanted her to give him the tiger look again.
Lee creased his eyebrows. He should have worn mismatched socks.
Pushing his shoes from the floor, Lee hugged his legs on top of his seat. He pushed the corner of his over-sized eyeglasses with the back of his index finger. He gazed at the doors again to his right. It didn’t move.
Lee turned to his left and stared at the twin doors with a sign glowing red above it. It didn’t move.
But he waited. Patiently.
These doors will open. Of that Lee was certain. What he wasn’t certain was, of these doors, which one will open first? The doors to his right, or to his left? The answer in his mind filled him with dread.
Lee’s stomach grumbled. Aloud. The man sitting next to him didn’t seem to notice though.
The man looked familiar. It felt like Lee has seen him somewhere. His mother’s friend, probably?
“Umm, hi?” Lee began. “Do you know my mom?”
No response.
“I’m Lee,” he tried again, offering a hand. “I’m eight now.”
No response. Again.
Lee studied the man’s face. He’s shaven, but stubble seemed to be growing again. His eyes looked tired, and beneath them, a dark shadow. He’s bruised. There was a small cut on his lower lip down to his chin with dark, reddish stain. Like the spot on Lee’s shoe.
Sighing, Lee decided to rest his chin atop his knees. Strange, he thought. My heart’s still pounding. He sighed again.
It’s been four hours since Lee began waiting. Either of the two doors haven’t moved an inch.
But he waited. Patiently.
After all, he was told to wait.
Time seemed to be stretching and stretching and stretch—
The squeaking of shoes against marble floor echoed in the hallway. Lee perked up at the sudden noise. His heart jumped as well.
“W-what’s happening?” Lee whispered, suddenly feeling alarmed. He began pulling at his ear the way he always does when he’s nervous. His chest seemed tight, catching his breath.
Two new nurses entered the Operating Room with a metal table on wheels.
Then everything was silent again.
The man just stood there. His back to Lee, wringing his hands before he weaved them through his thick, dark hair. The man exhaled a loud, shuddery breath.
The man might be crying, Lee thought. Now, Lee wanted to do the same, but strange how no tears are coming out of his eyes. Lee bit his lower lip, urging himself to be a good boy. Behave, his mother always told him. Had he not remembered that, he would have bolted to the doors already, demanding to see his mother. Instead, Lee leaned against the cushion on the back of his chair. A good boy. Yes, I’m a good boy, he thought.
Lee turned to his right again, to the doors with the Exit sign. The doors are still. No one pushing the door to enter.
But he waited. Patiently.
Now it’s five hours, Lee thought while staring at the clock. It moved so slow, yet so fast. Lee found this strange. The way he found it strange when he’s playing with his neighbors, and his mother would call him saying playtime’s over. It was supposed to be three hours. It felt like thirty minutes. Now, it was five hours, and it felt like a whole day. Strange.
Lee went back to his fetal position. Gingerly, he turned to his right again. Nothing. Not a movement, not even a shadow of what was behind the doors.
But he waited. Patiently.
Lee prayed for a thousandth time.
But he waited. Patiently.
After all, he was told to wait.
Lee was deflating by the second.
But he waited. Patiently.
Lee was starting to lose his hope now.
Then, a creak.
Lee slowly turned to his right, watching the doors under the Exit sign at the end of the corridor move ever so slowly. It felt like eternity to Lee. But hope suddenly flared in his chest. Light filtered through the gap between the double doors. It filled the corridor with warm golden, white light.
Jerriel was here. He’s finally here.
Lee pressed his lips tightly, sending a silent prayer of thanks to God.
Jerriel came to Lee in sure-footed strides. As usual, other people can’t see him. Only Lee.
Lee almost broke into tears, but he refrained himself. After all, he’s a good boy.
Jerriel was wearing his gold-embroidered white robe, along with his bag of white leather hanging on one shoulder. On his back, a pair of white, iridescent wings that changes the color of its sheen when viewed from different angles were carefully folded. Then, he knelt in front of Lee and smiled.
“I returned as fast as I could,” Jerriel stated in his baritone voice that Lee always found fascinating. He talked with a rhythm short of singing.
“It’s seven hours,” Lee mumbled flatly.
Jerriel chuckled which made Lee smile. The most important thing right now was that Jerriel finally came. With good news, Lee hoped.
“Did you wait long?”
Lee pouted. “I thought you weren’t coming. But, I’m a good boy. And I waited. Patiently. After all, you told me to wait.”
Jerriel smiled and pulled something from his bag. It was a scroll. A glowing scroll. Jerriel waved it in front of Lee.
“Delivery,” Jerriel chimed.
Lee beamed at his Guardian Angel. He took the scroll from Jerriel, and ever so gently opened the scroll to reveal God’s answer to his prayers. God’s answer said:
A miracle is coming. My son, wait patiently.
You must sign up or log in to submit a comment.
139 comments
HA! This story made took me on a ride, from the sweet awkwardness of child to the eerie silence of a potential lobotomy?! (I realize that might not be the cause of his stay, but I dunno, I was getting serious One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest vibes at times, especially at the mention of a mysterious silent character and an imaginary spirit.) I am still rather curious about the gruff man, as-- maybe I didn't pick up on something-- it felt like the one unresolved component of your story. There was something missing for me; he's first sitting,...
Reply
Hello, thanks for reading, but I'm really sorry because this story is a rough draft and is unfinished. I didn't bother to edit since I was too busy. Sorry for that! But I love how you saw the weak points where I had actual plans, but could no longer explore because of time constraint. Sorry if I let you down on that regard. I'll try to invest more in the future. Also, I appreciate your comprehensive evaluation of the story. It makes me happy. Thanks! 😊😊😊
Reply
Haha, don't worry about it! I only see the holes in my writing after someone tells me their interpretations. I'm looking forward to reading more, because you definitely have an appealing lyricism. Have a great day! :)
Reply
I will not go into the minor grammatical trifles the story made as some have pointed out. Instead I want to say you've quite aptly captured the mind of an eight year old. The simple and neat sentences match the innocence of the child. Another thing I noticed is that it didn't feel abrupt at any place. All in all, a great first!
Reply
Thank you, Kaustabh! 😊
Reply
I love how you used repitition. It inticed the reader to keep reading, to wait patiently. You are very good at entrancing your readers into stories. The way you entered Jerriel was like a sudden weight had been lifted from his shoulders. He smiled when his Guardian Angel chuckled, which showed the sudden relief of being able to smile again giving him strength. You are very talented, and should keep going with this story, explaining the stains on the man's chin and on his shoes. The lesson on patience is very well revealed when Lee receives h...
Reply
Thank you, thank you! 😊
Reply
I love it. I was into it and drawn in. I knew that feeling of time, so it was (partly) relatable. I liked the ending. I love it. ❤️❤️
Reply
Thank you, Grace! 😊
Reply
Hey, PJ. Very well done, especially for a first story. (Ironically, one of my first stories-and my first to be published-was about a guardian angel, as well-a long time ago.) An earlier commenter mentioned a few gaps between past and present tense. "Jerriel was here. He's finally here." is an example. It's an easy mistake to make; I've done it myself many, many times. The best cure I've found is to simply read through it aloud, looking just for that issue. It can be easy to get caught up with other mistakes and lose your mojo, so to spea...
Reply
Hey, Steve! Thank you for the advice. I really appreciate comments that point out my flaws and how I can counter them. 😊
Reply
Such a sweet story!
Reply
Thank you! 😊
Reply
Lovely details. You may be new to writing but this is a brilliant beginning! You held interest and created tension which is hard to do in a short story.
Reply
Hey, Kate! Wow, thank you very much. I'm happy that people appreciate my work. I'm kinda worried, actually hahaha.
Reply
Hey there, I saw that you followed me so I decided to check your story. This is absolutely a fantastic piece of writing. Your way of narration is amazing. I loved it ❤ keep writing and keep sharing. :)
Reply
Thanks, Khizra! Yes, I will. 😁
Reply
I noticed this "He began pulling at his ear the way he always does when he’s nervous." Began is past tense, but does is present. So is he's, which you use a lot of places. I really expected a doctor to tell him either his mother was able to have visitors or dead. Having God tell him to wait is rather poetic, in the storytelling sense, but a bit cruel for a young child in reality. Strong ending because it makes the reader think which was the real message...
Reply
Hey, Charles! Thanks for pointing that out. This is really helpful. Really appreciate your insight. I'll consider that for the revisions I'm planning. Also, I'll try to be careful of my tenses next time. 😊😊😊
Reply
This is beautiful! I love how you portrayed his impatience and thought process. Good job!
Reply
Thanks, Quill!
Reply
Hi Pj! Really enjoyed reading this story. Really could feel how a 8 year old will behave when he needs to wait. Nice!
Reply
Thanks, Arvi! Really appreciate it. 😊
Reply
What a sweet ending! I think you did a fantastic getting into the mind of an eight year old and how they would perceive that situation. I was hooked from the start and had no idea what to expect, and the ending definitely didn’t disappoint. Well done!
Reply
Thank you, Alexi!
Reply
I really enjoyed your story. Your way of drawing attention to small, seemingly insignificant details, like the socks, really adds to your character's feelings of distress. And I liked your use of repetition, it adds to the story nicely. I always seem to overdo it when I try that. And, of course, your ending was totally unexpected. Can't wait to see what you come up with next.
Reply
Hey, Jonathan. Thank you for your feedback, really appreciate it! Also, thanks for pointing out the parts you liked in the story. 😊😊😊
Reply
This is so good. Incredibly well written and cherry on the top was the ending. Truly wow! I would love it if you could check out my new story and give your views on it!
Reply
Thank you! Sure, I'd love to.
Reply
What a lovely ending! I really like the consistent tone throughout and how believable your protagonist is. Good job!
Reply
Thanks for appreciating the story!
Reply
You’re welcome! Feel free to check some of mine out if you have the time and interest 😊
Reply
Hi Pj! I loved reading your story!! It was so incredibly well written and creative! I also really liked how your story was unpredictable. Up until the end, I kept on trying to guess who the little boy was waiting for, and I enjoyed reading the ending! Such a heartwarming story! Great job!! :)
Reply
Hey, Jessica. Thank you for reading it!
Reply
This is so beautiful, Lee is very patient tho😭🤗❤ I would have died three times and a half just waiting, anyways its a beautiful story, THANK YOU
Reply
Thank you!
Reply
It was a super story.Great job 👍keep it up. Would you mind to read my story “The dragon warrior?”
Reply
It was a nice story and I loved it and it was super
Reply
Wow, this was great! Also, would you mind checking out my new (and by that, I mean I posted it 10 minutes ago) story, ‘Jax Off Ash (Part 1)’? Thanks! —Aerin
Reply