Stairs of Wrath

A small light flickered in the distance. For a

moment, I couldn't tell which way was up or down.

If I was lying down or standing. I had no thoughts or

feelings as I floated, whilst being completely

numbed of all existence. All I could see was a light

in the darkness. When breathed in I collapsed to

the ground. What was once floating in the blank

nothing unexpectedly became cold hard stairs. It

was like my body had become as heavy as stone. As

I looked around, I saw pitch darkness surrounding

me. The only visible thing was the dim edges of the

stone stairs that led up to the blinding flickering

light above. It seemed clear that the light was the

only place to go. As I sat thinking, I tried to

understand what had happened but no thoughts

could come. It was like my mind was filled with fog.

My eyes could only see the light ahead. I pushed my

heavy body off the ground and regained my

balance. When I turned my head to look over the

edge of the stairs I saw it extend deep into

complete darkness. The terror of falling off brought

me to my knees again. There was no railing on the

sides. One wrong step and I would fall into the

nothingness. The light seemed close so I walked up

the stairs on all fours. The frigid stairs numbed my

hands as I crawled. I had no clothes on my bare

body leaving my skin open to the cold air. The light

was the only warmth before me. I continued to

crawl but soon my arms became tired. My back

ached from the journey upwards. I sat for a

moment to rest. The cold, sharp stairs felt very

uncomfortable to sit upon. Its jagged edges bit into

my sides. I tried to think about why I was here. Last

I remember, I was sitting at home, but then

something outside caught my eye. When I walked

outside I had been met with a terrible fear. The

memory was too blurred to remember but

something horrendous had happened. The fear of it

felt like I was trapped and I was alone. The face of a

man popped into my mind. Despite not being

capable to recall the look on his face I could

remember his lifeless eyes staring at me. I

wondered if I was asleep but this was too real to be

any dream. If this was real then why am I here? It

hadn't occurred to me for a while but now it had.

Then I came to the most possible idea of what

happened. I was dead. Yes, that made perfect

sense. Nothing like this would happen unless I had

died. At first, I did not feel anything of this. If I was

dead then what was I to do about it. Then I started

to think about how my life was over and what I

would never see again. The more I remembered my

life, the more utterly miserable that conclusion

was. I was dead…I was dead. It repeated till the

meaning of it came to me. My life was over, I cannot

make any more memories or discoveries. I did not

cry but tremble in the depravity of what had

become of me. On earth, I was a rotting corpse now.

I was dust. I could never contribute to

anything. My family would be missing me and that

will be all that is left of my life. If I had died then

where is heaven? Why were there stairs? I looked up

to the flickering light in the sky. Then I understood,

I was on a stairway leading to heaven. I was going

to heaven. A place of endless bliss and eternal joy. I

never believed in God but it was there. This at least

was true. I stood at once and began to continue my

journey upward. The thoughts of heaven and

everything I could have ever wanted right above

me were certainly a great motivator. As I walked my

legs began to ache. The light was very close now. I

must have to work for the afterlife. Perhaps it was

the toll of reaching it. At some points, I had to sit

and rest for a while. My legs burned and my ankles

started becoming sore. I had no idea how long it

would take me to reach it but I was already

exhausted. I laid down on the cold stairs to sleep

despite the sharp ledges and coldness cutting into

me. I tried to sleep but when I closed my eyes the

stairs would start to burn my skin. My eyes would

open immediately and the burning would fade away.

It seems I could not ever sleep here. I could only lay

down till the pain stopped. The light was so close. I

could sleep on a blanket of feathers there but it was

so hard to reach. I would lie on the stairs till my legs

felt better. When they did I continued walking. I had

no idea how long I had been walking up the stairs.

My body was cold and aching. I then began to

wonder if I was to ever reach the light. I didn't like

that thought at all. Why would it be there if I could

not reach it? As I continued upward I would sing

songs, walking to every beat. I would pray that it

was close. I wanted to count the stairs but when I

did I always forgot after a few thousand. It was

strange how close the light was. It was like it was

always in front of me but I could never reach it. I

wondered if the light was running too. I began to

jog as quickly as I could up the stairs but I would

call out into the darkness around me,

wondering if anybody else climbed the endless

stairs. Nobody ever responded to my calls, cries,

and prayers. The cold stone stairs never ended

either. I knew now that the stairs would never end. I

can never know how long I have been climbing the

stairs. My nails and hair did not grow as time

passed making me wonder if I had gone far at all. I

never felt hungry or thirsty. I never needed to go to

the bathroom. I could not cry tears or bleed. The

cuts on my legs from the stairs remained dry. When

I looked over the edge I wondered if hell awaited

me below. I could not fall. I had to keep climbing.

When I was counting my steps one time I wondered

if The stairs were a form of punishment I had to

suffer. As I stepped I wondered what I had done

wrong. I remembered my life as a normal person. I

went to school, I did well in class, I had normal

working-class parents living in Virginia, I was in

high school and I had a few friends. I wasn't a bad

person. Why was I climbing all of these stairs? I sat

down for a while to think about my life. I have

made a few mistakes, I had broken a few promises,

but never have I done anything to walk this far.

Looking at the light I began to question the stairs.

The thought recurred to me. Will the stairs

ever end? The light never got farther nor closer. It

always remained within the reach of a few feet. I

could almost touch it but I could never reach it. I

grabbed my face in frustration. The cold stairs were

the only thing I looked forward to. It wasn't fair at

all. Why would God do this to me? I screamed in the

dark till I could not anymore. Panic overtook me as

came to the understanding that I will never reach

the top. I will remain on the stairs for eternity. I had

nothing but emptiness or hell waiting below. All of

the wonderful things I had in life were to never be

seen again. I would never know what would

become of anything. I will never become anything. I

could only keep walking upward. The light was

there for a reason. It was endless though. When I

walked upwards my legs would begin to ache and I

would collapse. I continued to realize again and

again that I would never reach the top. At times I

would lean over the abyss. My mind would drift

away and I could hear voices calling from afar. I

began rigorously talking to the darkness,

pretending somebody could hear me ramble about

complete nonsense. I could only walk and hear

myself talk. That was all I had. At some point, I

stopped. A deep impulse set off and I could not

walk any further. I ran to the edge of the stairs but

pulled myself to the ground. I refused to jump off

the ledge. I could not give up. I did not know what

awaited below. I imagined it was hell. Although I

questioned if it would be better than where I was

now. Perhaps there would be something there. I

continued to have impulses screaming to jump. My

sanity slowly dwindled and I no longer knew why I

continued to walk upwards. The light was too close

to give up on. I was exhausted but I could not sleep.

The world would not let me. I then became lost in

my head. I imagined going somewhere with a

friend. Although I could not remember her name

nor see her face I spoke to her. I could not

remember any names or any faces. They were all

blurred visions that seemed to fade with every

thought. I wondered now how much I had

forgotten. How much is there left of my past? I

wondered if everybody I knew was already dead.

Everything seemed to turn to nothing at some

point. Soon I will too. Perhaps I am not truly dead

till every essence of me disappears. Maybe I am

waiting. When I took the next step the ground

beneath me was gone. When I opened my eyes lyrics

began to dive right off the edge of the stairs. I had

then realized, I had misstepped. When I fell I did not

scream. I only felt the cold air on my face as I fell

into the void, but when I fell, I saw a reflection

against the stairwell wall. It was a face of an older

man. It was a man that was not me. Abruptly,

everything vanished around me. I awoke again and

I breathed in. When I turned my head, I saw the

stairs, leading up to a light. I had returned to the

stairwell. I leaned over the side and I saw my face. It was

a middle-aged man. The face I saw in the mirror was the one I had last seen when I died. The lifeless eyes, the sad contorted face. I was not myself or perhaps my mind did not belong to my body. I

was not me. I had no longer understood what was

before me. I ran down the stairs into the darkness

but it lead nowhere. I threw myself off the side to

land on another stairwell. I rolled in agony,

crying out to the light. I begged and pleaded to it. I

screamed for forgiveness, and I asked why. Then a

voice whispered back to me. I turned around and I

saw a figure in the darkness. The figure walked up

enough to see an outline. Her face lit up and I saw

it was myself. "You killed me." She spoke. I cried

back in rage, "NO, YOU'RE ME!" She spoke again

before disappearing.

"No, you know what it's like to be me and you know

what became of me." I threw myself down the stairs

after her. My bones broke but popped back

together. My skin split but zipped back up tightly. I

could not ever die. I could not have hope, I could

not learn, I could not grow. I was forever trapped on

a stairwell going nowhere. Surrounded in darkness.

All around me was the sound of whispers. "Here

you will stay for as long as I will." There was

nowhere to hide. Nowhere to run. There was only

one truth. I was not reaching heaven, because I was

already in hell.