A Father's Last Fix

They stared at me, like I didn't belong there as much as they did. He was my Dad too, he loved me just the same as them, yet I ended up the black sheep. On the outside looking in we were the perfect family: two boys, two girls, and a set of very loving parents. Inside it could be brutal, you'd have to watch every step because anything was fair game for ridicule.

"It's lovely to see you again Quinn." Aunt Mary, nobody's favorite. She always smells like old lipstick and coffee. "Have you talked to them?"

"What's the point? Give them some more fuel?" She always seemed to understand me though.

"Maybe just start with a hello. You of all people should understand that death can be a good thing." Aunt Mary walked away to grab a floral arrangement that tried to brighten the gloomy aura of the silver urn.

I glanced back at my older siblings. Stacy with her son bouncing in her arms, Steven rolling the memorial pamphlet in his hand, and Levi fiddling with his gloves. I felt myself start to move toward them, before I could take a step, I caught myself and turned around. Stuffing my hands into the pockets of my coat, nervously jingling some loose change. Without looking back I hastily made my way outside. Letting the cold air hit my face knowing it would eventually give me a good reason to finally cry. My tears were warm as they slowly fell down my tender face. Snow fell around me, further reminding the world that nothing stops for mourning. A hand softly grabbed my shoulder and pulled me into a body that was of similar size to mine.

           “Remember when we’d hide from dinosaurs behind those rocks?” I tried to covertly wipe the tears from my cheeks and look up at Levi. “Or when we tried to move them?” He laughed half-heartedly, trying to ignore the past.

           After I didn’t respond Levi removed his hand from my shoulder and let it fall to his side. We watched the snowflakes shiver down in front of us. The silence was unbearable, but I didn’t have to strength to say anything just yet.

           “Do you think he knew?” After minutes of nothing his words echoed in my head as I looked him in the eyes for the first time in years. “When he woke up that day, do you think Dad knew he was going to die?”

           “Maybe…” I trailed off after I realized what I had done, I’d lost to Levi. He finally got me to speak.

           “I got a call from him at lunch. He said he was eating a sandwich.” Levi rocked back and forth on his heels as he nervously recalled the event from the day Dad died. “I told him I was eating a yogurt parfait and a soda. Of course, he told me that I shouldn’t have been having the soda,” Levi lightly chuckled. “Then he said he had lots to do and that he loved me.”

           “He called me in the morning.” I spoke the words to the air, just loud enough for Levi to pick up on. “I was just walking into work, he asked if I had a moment to just sit and catch up with him.”

           “Did you?” Levi looks at me and I can feel him holding his breathe, praying that I took that rare moment.

           “Yeah, he talked on and on about the book he’d just finished. It was really nice.” Levi looked at me with pain radiating from his gaze.

           “I miss him,” he cried and quickly wrapped me in a hug, begging for me to help him stay standing.

           Levi and I were always the closest of the four of us. We were best friends, making our fall out harder on me, but I let myself forget the past for a moment and I supported my brother. Time passed until I finally suggested we go back inside. We helped shepherd each other back into the church, stopping in the entryway to brush the snow off our shoulders.

           “Quinn…” he slowly trailed off while he thought about the right thing to say. With a clap on my back he settled with “I love you.”

           “I love you too.” I smiled as I watched him walk away to give his new girlfriend a kiss.

           As I walked in, Stacy was walking out of the chapel and we made accidental eye contact. The small child in her arms wiggled, begging to be set down as she stood there trying to figure out what I was thinking. She knelt and held her son’s waist as he tottered, trying to find footing on his two little feet.

           “Looks like you’ve been doing fine. You look nice.” She spoke softly as she attempted to hold on to the antsy toddler’s hand.

           “Despite everything you thought.” I say this more harshly than I intended.

           “You know what, forget it. I tried to be nice like everyone asked.” Stacy and I fought the most, both crass and hot-headed. Everything I say annoys her and everything she says frustrates me. “All you had to do was pretend nice.”

           She turns to walk away, and I think back to Levi bringing up the phone calls, had she received one too?

           “Did Dad call you?” She’s taken about five steps when the question finally makes it out. She shifts on her heels as she thinks about turning back to me. “The day he died; did he call you?”

           “Yes, though I don’t see why it’s important for you to know.” She turned and scooped up her son before he could make a run for it.

           “He called me too, it was just a normal conversation but now that I think about it, it wasn’t.” Stacy’s face slowly softened as the wheels in her head started to turn. “It meant more to him, meaning that eventually it would have meant more for us. He called me before work, said he just finished a book and that I would like it. Asked what I was reading and then he said a deer had just wandered into the backyard. He wanted to get pictures.”

           “He called just before dinner, asked me what I was making,” she looks at her son’s blissful ignorance. “And now I will never forget, I made lasagna. Dad mentioned that he would love some of Mom’s before telling me that he was making a pizza.” She laughed as her son started to make hungry coos.

           “Sounds like he’s ready for some food.” I knew his name, it’s Evan, but I also knew Stacy didn’t go out of her way to establish his existence to me. I felt that I had no right to know his name because his mother didn’t want me to know.

           “He’s almost always hungry.” Stacy poked at her son’s tummy and he responded with a giggle. “Listen, I’m not going to pretend everything is okay but I’m glad you came, and I hope you stay a little while.”

           I smiled as she turned and walked toward the gathering room. Levi and Stacy gave me hope that I hadn’t screwed up to the point of no return. That I still belonged in this family and that one day they were going to forgive me. That alone is more than anyone could hope for. Lost in thought I walked to the coat rack before I could hang my coat up, I felt someone staring at me. I slowly looked at the doorway of the gathering room and was met with Steven’s gaze. I took a deep breath and finished hanging up my coat, the cloth absorbing the sweat of my nervous hands.

           “Steven…” I felt like the worst person in the world. Our altercation was the worst, I never thought I’d have to see him look so disappointed in me and all I ever wanted was to make him proud.

           “I’m surprised you came. I wish I wasn’t though.” Steven wanted to make sure I knew he was still disappointed. “But I am glad you’re here.”

           “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done it, but I don’t regret it. I needed to handle Mom’s death in my own way.” It was hard to say because it still hurt.

           I had just started my new job; my dream job and I was on top of the world. Dad calling a week later pushed me off the roughest side though. Mom and I never saw eye to eye on my aspirations and that caused a rift between us. It made holidays brutal, she wouldn’t talk much to me and eventually I just stopped coming home. I thought I had more time, I thought I could be mad for a few more years to make her hurt then mend the bond later. I never got that chance; I forced my mother to die not knowing how sorry I was. So, in turn I forced myself to not get a proper goodbye. No one else saw it the same way at the beginning but Stacy, Steven, and Levi never understood it.

           “I love you Quinn.” Steven grabbed me and pulled me into a hug. “I tried telling myself that you never showing up made you a coward. Worst of all I tried to make you believe that too.”

           I could finally feel myself letting go of the misery I pushed myself into. The idea that I was meant to be completely and utterly alone was dissipating.

“You are the strongest of us and I couldn’t be prouder of you,” he pulled himself back and looked down at me with nothing but love in his eyes.

           “I love you, all of you.” I pushed my teary face into his shirt, thinking about telling him I was sorry again, but I didn’t need to, somethings don't need to be said more than once.

Dad always promised to fix what I accidently broke, every time he called me he'd say, "It'll be fixed eventually, until then they'll love you just not as loudly."