I'm just not into you!

You know those stories about the vegan zombie who just wants to win over the heart of a living? Yeah, this isn’t one of those stories. Do you also know those stories about the “monster” that really is just a man who has been cursed to a life of being a monster until he can earn the love of a pure heart? Not one of those stories either. No, no, this is a story about a zombie minding his own damn business, enjoying being a zombie, doing zombie things, and discovering he has a stalker!

I realize you might be thinking that I am simply filled with arrogance and think so highly of myself that I just assume everyone loves me. Nope. I know I am an absolute menace and pill. It is my brand, my persona. I am rather proud of how disagreeable I am. But my stalker seems to like that. In fact, the meaner I am to her and the more I ignore her, the more she is attracted to me. I’m assuming she must have been dropped on her head or something. Perhaps she has read too many fairy tales? Maybe she thinks if she kisses me or gets me to open my heart, I will transform into a prince … of the human variety? I don’t know, but it is starting to freak me out.

I am not a newly infected zombie. I wasn’t living and full of life and had the misfortune of being bitten by a zombie. No, in fact, I am a second-generation zombie. You probably didn’t realize zombies can procreate, well at one time we couldn’t. But just like everything else in the biological world, we evolved. Not only have we evolved in that sense, but we also now are fully functional beings. I talk and think just like the living. I just don’t have to deal with messy human emotions, nor do I have the same “dietary needs” as humans. I even go to work, get paid, complain about the cost of things, all of those day-to-day aspects of living. Zombies do have limitations though. For example, we are not allowed to work in jobs that interact with the living public. Not everyone accepts zombies and quite a few people are apparently put off by the rotting flesh that tends to fall off us. Understandable and I don’t blame them for their reactions. Which is why I am absolutely flummoxed by my stalker. Why is she so interested in me?

I don’t recall where we first crossed paths. It probably was the subway or perhaps a park. Typically, when I’m in public, I try to keep a low profile. I always keep myself covered up, ear buds in, hat on or hood up, and head down. The livings I encounter either are disgusted by me and wish to present me their thesis on why zombies should be banned from society, or they have this morbid curiosity about zombies, and they just want an interesting story to tell their friends. So, I avoid talking to livings as much as zombie-ly possible. Needless to say, I don’t remember her, but that was not the case for her.

There is this cute, little coffee shop I go to in my neighborhood. They are zombie friendly and have THE best pastries (yes, zombies enjoy a sweet treat). I go there just about every day. They know me and I know them. One day I pop in there, order my usual, and when I go to pay the barista tells me someone has already paid for it and gestures to a woman sitting at a table in the corner. I assume it was one of those pay it forward situations, so I just nodded towards the woman and left. The next day, my order is paid for again … by the same woman. I give a nervous grin towards the woman and a side glance to the barista trying to communicate why in the hell is this woman buying my coffee and pastries? I leave again, but this time completely confused about what is happening. A couple days later I returned, and guess who is there – and my order is paid for again – her! What is your deal woman?! This time though I insist on paying, I leave my money and run out of there.

My neighborhood also has a members only gym. I like to keep my decaying, undead body in tiptop shape, so I belong. This gym is just like the coffee shop, zombie friendly. In fact, one of the trainers is a zombie. So, I always feel safe and welcome there. I headed towards the leg press (it was leg day) and there was someone there. Odd, because no one is ever there at 5am. That is why I go so early. I had just started to make my way to another machine when I realized the person occupying MY machine was none other than the coffee shop girl. Is this just a coincidence or did she follow me here? Does she know where I live? How long has she been tracking me? Did she join my gym just to get close to me? My mind was racing a million miles per second. It had been several days since my last encounter with her at the coffee shop. There was no way we both just happened to be there at that unusual hour in a place you need a keycard to access. By that point, I am about to experience one of the living’s favorite emotions, panic, when all of a sudden, she speaks to me. I have no idea what she says because I had my ear buds in blasting music – and having a mini panic attack. I didn’t want to engage or encourage any further conversation, so I just gave a nod of acknowledgement and headed to the treadmills. 

There are 10 treadmills. All available. I’m on the first one in the row until someone joins me on the one right next to me. Yep, it was her again. OK, I can’t avoid her anymore. Time to cut to the chase. Who are you? I ask. And do you know what she answered? She responds with a cheeky grin and says, hopefully your next girlfriend. I was so taken aback that I tripped and went flying off the treadmill. Lost some rotting flesh with that fall! I must have hit my head though, because I don’t remember anything after that. Nothing until right now, when I woke up in this windowless room, hands zip tied, with you guys. 

So, by my count, I’m the zombie, you over there in the corner are the werewolf, you in the other corner the mutant, and that bat in a cage I’m assuming is the vampire. A collection of monsters for a psycho’s personal zoo. I always knew there was a chance I could be hunted someday. I just didn’t realize it would be by a lovesick psychopath. Curse my perfectly rotting flesh and the deep, dark, nothingness behind my eyes!