The Hunger

8th October 2017

I have barely slept these past two nights. I’m living off coffee but that’s fine. The hunger is killing me though and I often catch myself in front of the cabinet. Food is so appealing and yet, the calories spare no one. No diet is ever enough. I cannot. I know I shouldn't. I am in despair and youtube videos can only do so much to keep me entertained. I think it's nearly midnight.

11th October 2017

I gained three grams and the thought is intolerable. It keeps eating at me and I have been doing push ups for three hours now. My arms are sore and I'm feeling dizzy. I still feel so heavy. At least I know I shouldn’t drink water anymore. No matter what I do, the hunger will not disappear. I do find myself nodding off but slumber never comes. It's three in the morning.

15th October 2017

I somehow slept for two hours straight yesterday. I always feel desperately hungry once I wake up. However, I won’t give in. Annie commented that I looked skinnier but she seemed worried. She must be jealous. I'm relieved that throwing up does help; the internet can be useful sometimes. I guess the aftertaste in my mouth is only a fair price. It's nearly six but my eyes won't close. Is there any remedy for this?

21st October 2017

I keep getting bumps on my knuckles so I hide my hands, they are hideous anyway. I noticed dark circles under my eyes and I fainted at work two days ago. My boss told me to go home and maybe eat something up. I had to look away to calm my disgust. Cole suggested going to the hospital but I'm not entirely convinced that it was for my insomnia. Some internet posts recommended sleeping pills, so I'll buy some later. Do I need a prescription for those? 

23rd October 2017

The few hours of sleep I am blessed with are filled with nightmarish visions of me gaining weight. I keep reassuring myself in front of the mirror but it's never enough. I can stay there for hours and ultimately, all I can see is the reflection of a distorted body. Is this really normal? I no longer know. The hunger keeps lurking in the shadows of my room so I need to be permanently on guard.... No sleep for me today; almost seven and my shift starts soon. 

31st October 2017

The days and nights keep bleeding into each other. Focusing is quite tedious and I might be going mad. I’m a little anxious that this will affect my work. I cannot afford to lose it. It’s been almost four weeks and the hunger is still there. Every time I try to eat, I just cannot find the strength to bring the spoon to my mouth. Painkillers are useless for my endless migraines.

2nd November 2017

Annie dragged me to the hospital and the doctors went on about how I should eat more. MORE??! They mentioned that I could be anorexic but I’m not interested in knowing what that means. They don't understand but I nodded to whatever they said. I’d like to think that my acting fooled them but my disheveled appearance is quite the giveaway. I know they didn't believe me. Nobody ever does.

6th November 2017

I'm still angry with the doctors but their prescription did help with my insomnia. I slept for four hours. Incredible, right?? Nevertheless, I won't be going back any time soon. I fear they might lock me up for being crazy. I am still so so hungry and opening the cabinet is tempting. I just cannot sleep in peace. It's not even five yet.....

13th November 2017

Everyone seems so entranced by the upcoming holidays and I just cannot bring myself to do the same. A shame isn’t it? Smiling is a bit hard these days. Every night my thoughts keep toying with my mind and I keep replaying the same scenario over and over again. While I do find some rest, my sleep can be disturbed by the lightest door opening. I’m dreading the family reunions and their decorated tables covered in food. I wish I could just vanish and not go at all.

20th November 2017

My insomnia has its own strange advantages. I now have time to clean my whole apartment and I’m considering decorating it, in case this may help to set the festive mood for me, and can dedicate some time to learn more on how to appease my hunger. Apples are marvelous at keeping your body satisfied. I learned that a couple of hours ago. I’m reading one thirty on my clock and I believe I need some new batteries. It’s four fifty on my phone.

1st December 2017

This year is finally coming to an end but not my suffering. The doors of the cabinet are now locked and I barely eat anything. Still, one can never be careful enough. I’m feeling a little under the weather but maybe some flu medicine can tackle my insomnia. I haven’t tried that yet. As I am writing this, some shy sunlight is slowly entering my room. It might be around six but I could be wrong. I’m starving.

10th December 2017

I wish I could work from home. Kathy baked some ugly christmas cookies and when she proposed some to me, I felt the urge to spill my guts. I politely decline everything I’m given by saying I’m allergic to gluten or whatnot. Works like magic. My co-workers still seem “worried” though. I’m beginning to think that I might prefer to stay awake than to sleep. Eight to nine hours of being unproductive sounds so wrong to me now. Thirty minutes is enough.

14th December 2017

The christmassy songs and traditions are starting to infuriate me. What do people find so merry anyway? Drinking hot chocolate with marshmallows amd biscuits?? They are PACKED with calories. I cannot grasp what’s so great about eating either. I no longer use my bed except for the occasional thirty minutes nap. This is much better. I cannot believe how useless sleeping is. However, my stomach is finding it hard to adjust to my diet and the hunger persists. I might read until it’s time to get dressed.

21st December 2017

Great news! I have obtained some extra shifts for christmas, so bye-bye family reunions‼ My anxiety is gone. I believe that christmas will be lonely but not stressful. Passing by the bakeries and restaurants can sometimes steal a few glances from me but I’m stronger than that. Almost lost seventeen kilos since I started, but every look in the mirror is accompanied by guilt. My cumbersome body and unsightly curves depress me. Last time I checked, it was two fifteen.

Might be three by now.

25th December 2017

Merry Christmas to me I guess. My family is furious about my absence but work is a valid excuse and I cannot be blamed. They know not of my insomnia or my dementia. It’s better this way, they are bothersome. I’ll be getting ready for work in a few hours; it’s only one o’clock. I might be alone in the office today, lucky me! I think I’ll need to go shopping soon. Most of my clothes hang too loosely on me now. It shows progress but it’s annoying and I still have to lose more weight. Now I’m starting to question the need for a kitchen, so much space wasted. 

Yet, I’m not satiated and the hunger is unbearable. The locked cabinet is still tempting me like the devil and I no longer sleep.