Kiss-Off Pie

Her eyes adjusted to the dark room. Janice looked at the clock. Eleven thirty-seven. There was another knock at the door. Jason was already out of bed and pulling on his blue robe. It hadn’t been an angry knock. She was sure of that.

“Stay here,” he said quietly.

Janice sighed and listened intently. She could just make out Jason’s footfalls as he padded down the carpeted stairs. She heard him open the door. There were muffled voices.

She frowned and slid her feet into her pink slippers as she got out of bed.

“Janice! Go check on Laura now!” Jason called from the bottom of the stairs.

Janice snatched her pink quilted robe from the back of the door as she ran to her daughter’s room. She pushed Laura’s door open and flicked the light switch on. Janice blinked rapidly as her eyes adjusted to the light.

Laura groaned and rolled over, burying her head in her pillow. The window was closed. Assorted stuffed animals rested in a small hammock hanging from her bedposts. A geometric patterned shirt dangled from the edge of the laundry hamper. The room smelled of baby powder, the main scent in Laura’s favorite perfume Love’s Baby Soft. Janice found it soothing. She looked around once more, but nothing was out of place.

“Lloyd?” she heard Jason call from the front door.

Janice pursed her lips and pulled on her robe, as she walked down the stairs to the front door. She pulled her collar up around her neck as the crisp air, laced with the smell of smoke from nearby chimneys, sent a shiver down her spine.

She stood in the doorway and blinked, confused at the sight before her. Prince Charming was brandishing a baseball bat at her brother, who was laying on the ground.

Jason, who had been crouched over the figure, stood up and waved a wallet and something else in the air.

“Hey, that’s my money,” Lloyd objected.

“It’s my wallet, Lloyd. And unless you’d been planning on paying our utility bill, this isn’t your cash. Our remittance voucher is attached to it.”

“I knew you wouldn’t lend me the money, so I borrowed it.”

“You mean you stole it.” Jason said flatly.

Janice stepped outside. She could see Snow White now, only a few feet away from Prince Charming. She only knew two people in the neighbourhood who could pull off those costumes: Laura’s former babysitter Adelaide, and her boyfriend Andy.

“Should I let him up?” Andy asked.

“No. Keep the bat in his face,” Jason answered.

“Don’t be an asshole, Jason.”

“I’m not the asshole here. You broke into your sister’s house and stole our utility money.”

“I just needed some help.”

“And what about us when we can’t pay the bills?” Jason demanded.

“At least you’ve got a house, and utilities. I’ve got nothing!” Lloyd fumed from the ground. “You stole my sister and made her whatever she is.” He tried to gesture, but Andy batted at his hand.

“A mother?” Adelaide asked.

“More like a Stepford,” Lloyd retorted.

Janice frowned.

“Give it a rest,” Jason sighed.

“Jason, please, you can’t call the police on him,” she pleaded.

“I already called. I’m sure they’re on their way.”

“He’s my brother.”

“He broke into our house and stole money from us, Janice.” Jason’s voice was firm.

Janice sighed.

*

The police car pulled out of their driveway.

“Thanks so much, Adelaide,” Janice said. She wasn’t sure what she’d do without the support Adelaide had offered her family. It wasn’t just the babysitting, it was moments like this one.

“Oh sure, Mrs. Newsome. I’m just sorry I couldn’t hum a tune and have the animals come help.”

It took her a moment, but Janice chuckled at the joke. “I really appreciate it. I know Laura is getting a bit old to babysit, but maybe you’d like to come over for dinner? You and Andy?”

“We’d like that.”

The pair waved goodbye and headed up the street hand in hand.

“We’re lucky they noticed,” Jason said.

Janice nodded.

Jason put his arm around her and the two of them walked back up the steps, past the pumpkins waiting to be carved. They stepped inside and closed the door behind them. Jason’s smile was tight as they walked into the kitchen. He let his arm drop from around her as he collected the metal kettle from the stove, added some water from the tap, and turned on the element.

The refrigerator hummed quietly. Janice had washed the floor after dinner and the kitchen still smelled of artificial lemons. Laura’s yellow Cabbage Patch Kids lunch box lay open on the counter. Janice had to finish packing it in the morning.

Janice moved to the cupboard and pulled out their love mugs. They were white mugs with a faux postage stamp depicting a pair of blue birds facing each other over a red heart. Jason had bought them nearly ten years earlier. They clinked together as she transferred them both to the same hand so she could close the cupboard. She set them on the counter and studied her husband. Janice could see the worry lines around Jason’s eyes. They were more pronounced tonight.

Lloyd had gotten worse. It used to be a few a few bucks here and there. Then it was a hundred dollars, or two hundred dollars. She and Jason were doing well enough, but the financial support was starting to take its toll.

The wall clock ticked along to the fridge’s hum. A quiet duet.

“I talked to your mother,” Jason said as he pulled two tea bags out of the drawer and dropped one into each of the mugs. His eyes locked with hers. “Your brother went to see her last week,” he paused, “and her silver serving dish is missing. She asked if we borrowed it.”

 “He wouldn’t do that,” Janice shook her head. She cast her eyes down, and immediately forced herself to look back up. She knew the tell-tale signs of doubt just as well as her husband. They were both excellent therapists. 

Jason took her hand. His eyes were soft, but the lines around them were deep.

“I know you love your brother-”

“He’s not that person.”

“He broke into our house tonight. I want to press charges.”

Janice’s eyes wandered back to the lunch kit. She’d placed two homemade cookies next to the apple before bed, but the cookies were gone. She could make out muddy footprints on the linoleum floor.

The kettle whistled.

*

Janice ran her hand along the tops of her mother’s wooden sideboard. The aroma of freshly baked scones wafted over from the coffee table.

“Sit down, honey.” Her mother patted the spot next to her on the brown and yellow plaid couch. Perry Como crooned softy through the speakers on the far wall.

“Has Lloyd been to see you lately?” Janice asked as she sat down.

Her mother stiffened.

Janice raised a floral mug to her lips and savored the strong taste of black tea. She enjoyed a splash of milk at home, but this was how her mother drank it, and there was something nostalgic about black tea on the ancient couch. 

“He has,” her mother said as she spread some strawberry jam on the scone. The knife clicked against the china plate as she set it down.

“And?” Janice asked.

“It was lovely to see him. He’s always had such a great sense of humor,” her mother smiled. She picked up the plate.

“Mom-“

“Janice, he’s just going through a rough patch.”

Janice had the urge to twirl a piece of brown hair between her index and middle fingers, a nervous habit from her childhood. She forced herself to keep both hands on the mug instead. In preparation for tea with her mother, she’d coiffed and combed her hair into place and then unleashed an excessive amount of hairspray on it.

“Mom-“

“Janice,” her mother said, “you are looking a bit tired, are you getting enough sleep?” She took a bite of the scone.

And there it was. Despite her efforts to impress her mother, she always failed. In addition to her hair, Janice had spent twice the usual time on her make up. Janice knew it wasn’t about the makeup, or her hair. Or how much sleep she got.

“I’m fine, mother. I’m worried about Lloyd.”

“He’s fine, honey,” her mother said as she patted Janice’s leg. “I just lent him some money last week. How did your dinner party go?”

Janice blinked at her.

“Your dinner party. The one Jason picked up the silver serving dish for. He said you needed to borrow it. You know, you can just ask me, honey.”

“I didn’t borrow it.” Janice tried not to grit her teeth. She thought of Laura and how her daughter delighted in reminding her to use her tools when dealing with grandma.

“Well, I can’t imagine what Lloyd would need it for,” her mother huffed and set her plate back down.

“How much money was it?”

“The platter was a wedding gift, Janice. You know that.”

“The money you gave Lloyd,” she forced herself to smile, to keep her tone conversational.

“You know I don’t like to talk about money,” her mother clucked.  

*

Janice closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She’d managed sneak a peek at her mother’s cheque book before she left. Lloyd had accepted a five hundred dollars on his last visit, and a quick flick through the previous pages showed several other cheques for the same amount. There was also collection of outstanding bills her mother should have had enough funds to cover.

Janice could only imagine the state of her mother’s savings account.

She opened her eyes. She was home now, and it was time to face the facts. She went inside.

“Jason?” she called.

“Right here,” Jason answered as he stepped out of the living room. He had a copy of James Ellroy’s LA Confidential in his hand. She could smell coffee. Freshly brewed. “Coffee?” he asked before he gave her a kiss on the cheek.

“Please.”

The two of them stepped into the kitchen and Jason poured steaming coffee into the love mugs he had already set out.

“How’s your mother?”

Janice took a breath.

“You’re right about my brother.”

Jason nodded as he set the coffee pot down.

“We’re going broke helping him, and so is she,” Janice continued. “He’s taking her savings, Jason. Who is going to take care of her?”

“We will, Janice,” he put his hand on hers. “Look at me. We will.”

She nodded. She knew what she had to do.

*

“No way,” fumed Lloyd.

“That’s my offer.”

“Come on! You’re my sister.” Lloyd’s fist banged into the top of the diner table and the salt and pepper shaker rattled in their wire basket.

Janice tried not to flinch. She cupped her hands around the little white coffee cup and ignored the people who glanced in their direction. She willed herself to speak in an even and calm tone.

“Yes, and you’re my brother. But you’re breaking into my house, stealing money and even cookies for Pete’s sake. The cookie jar was right there and you stole cookies from your niece’s lunchbox. What were you thinking?”

“It’s just a rough patch. I owe some people some money, Jan. And I was hungry.”

Janice shook her head.

“That’s my offer, Lloyd. Jason and I will drop the charges. No B&E, no burglary, but you don’t come around us again, not mom either. You don’t accept another cent from her.”

“Jan, come on! He’s twisted your mind up. You used to think family mattered. Now he’s got in your head.”

“Lloyd,” she warned. “I still think family matters. This isn’t about Jason.” She set the cup on the white saucer. “How much have you taken from her?”

“Oh, come on, Jan. I don’t know,” he rolled his eyes. “She’s our mother and she offered the money.”

Janice sucked her breath in. “She’s on a limited income.”

“And your fancy husband and all his head-shrinking will pay for you guys and her to live quite comfortably,” he sneered. “Plus, you’ve got your job. Two incomes. Must be nice.”

“Enough, Lloyd.” Janice fished into her white faux-leather purse and pulled out her wallet. She put a few bills on the table and nodded at the server. “I’m leaving now,” she said, “you are welcome to get something to eat with the rest of the money.”

“So, you’ll buy me a kiss-off pie?”

“Call me by the end of the day and let me know your decision, Lloyd. If I don’t hear from you, we’ll go forward with the charges. Either way, I don’t want you around my family, and that includes our mother.”

Janice strode out of the restaurant without looking back. As soon as she was inside her car, she let the tears stream down her face.