Better Left Unsaid

Instrumental music filled the large room as you paid no mind to the chatter around you, simply sipping on your flute of champagne. Servers had passed them around earlier, and though you hated the taste, you still drank it, nonetheless. Marina Delgatto, the woman throwing this party who was also known as your rich best friend, had banned you from drinking anything with over 15 percent alcohol. She had said that she was only serving light alcohol tonight, but you knew that those words were just lies; you’d seen groups of men, all doing shots together. Still, though, you just went along with it, knowing she was only worried for you. Guilt clouded your thoughts at that very moment; it was your best friend’s celebration, and yet, she still managed to find the time to worry about you. Oh, well, that was what you got after that stunt you pulled, hitting on her boyfriend at that dinner she held. You wanted her to blame you, to yell at you for ruining her banquet, but she did no such thing. You didn’t deserve her.

  God, and she even told you it wasn’t your fault, that you were just drunk; you didn’t deserve her at all, and you knew it better than anything. You were a terrible friend, that was sure. If she even knew half of the thoughts that ran through your head, maybe then she would stop defending you. You wanted her to, oh, you wanted her to so badly, but she was too loyal for that. It was like the Gods above were trying to torture you, to show you how good everyone else was. They succeeded; you officially hated yourself more than you hated this Rosé that you were being forced to drink. This was your third glass, and you were already convinced that you were an alcoholic. Would you do anything about it, though? No, because you knew that it hurt a lot less to be around Marina and her boyfriend all time if you were drunk.

You had to hand it to her; she knew how to pick ‘em. Oh, how you wished to have a man look at you the way he looked at her, how you wished to have him look at you that way. You knew it was wrong, so wrong, to be in love with the guy who your best friend thought was the one, but you couldn’t stop it. You’d already tried so hard to rid yourself of these feelings, but they only grew stronger. Every time you looked at Damon Jackson, you didn’t see your best friend’s soulmate; all you saw were those beautiful, ocean blue eyes, that raven black hair, the man you loved more than anybody. You tried to tell yourself that it wasn’t your fault, that you knew him first, that he was your best friend before he ever laid eyes on your former dorm roommate, on Marina, but you knew it was all bull. So what if you knew him in high-school? That was ages ago, and it was no excuse. He and Marina had been dating for three years now, so you had no right to be jealous. It only made you feel worse, knowing that she got to him first, that you blew your chance with the infamous Damon Jackson.

A part of you wondered what he’d say if he knew, if he had hint that you liked him- no, loved him. Did he already know? It wouldn’t surprise you if he did; Damon wasn’t one to go out of his way to embarrass someone else. He was probably trying his best to ignore it, if anything. So what if he knew, though? You’d never be able to flat out tell him, for a number of reasons. First, he was your best friend’s boyfriend, and you could never dare to betray her like that. Second, his reaction, you’d bet, wouldn’t be swell. You couldn’t help but think of yourself as ignorant, aware of your feelings for him. Ironic, wasn’t it? The same exact boy who told you he loved you that fateful night in 2012, that day when he ventured off to college, was the same exact boy who you were in love with now, who was dating your best friend. Just thinking of it brought tears to your eyes. You could remember it like it was yesterday.

Laying on the grass, you stared up at the starry sky in awe. “Angel,” he whispered the nickname to you, as if speaking up would ruin the moment. You turned your head, smiling. Damon Jackson was a masterpiece, and looking at him could make stars look mediocre. “Yes, Damon?” He didn’t have to be looking at you to hear the smile in your voice, but he was, and he did see it, mirroring it. “Before I leave tomorrow,” you gulped as you remembered he would be leaving you. Deep down, you wanted to tell him to stay, to beg him to, but you couldn’t be so selfish; you knew that you weren’t that important. “I just wanted to let you know- I mean, I couldn’t leave without saying-” he cut himself off, staring at you with hooded eyes. Your lips parted, wanting nothing more than to know what he was gonna say. “Angel, I- I’m in love with you.” Your eyes widened, quickly sitting up as he followed suit. “W-what did you just say?” You stumbled on your words, unbelieving. He was in love with you. “I said, I’m in love with-” his words were cut off as you connected your lips with his, unable to hold back any longer. It was indescribable. Not butterflies, not fireworks; so much more than anything in the movies, ineffable. When you both parted for air, you said the words you’d been longing to say since his confession. “I love you, too.”

Or, that’s how you hoped it happened. You wished that the exchange went differently, but it didn’t, and now you had to live with it.

“-I’m in love with you.” You shot up, your eyes wide, feeling a bile rise in your throat. He sat up after you. “W-what did you just say?” You couldn’t believe it, and that definitely showed through your tone. For a moment, his confidence visibly faltered, and you hated that you were the cause of this, of being the reason that the ever so confident Damon Jackson lost courage.  “I said, I’m-” he was interrupted by you, “No, I-” tears gathered in your eyes as it finally set in. Oh, God; he was in love with you. “I heard you- Damon, I…” you trailed off, not knowing the words you could say to even begin to describe this to him. “We- I don’t feel the same way.”

Oh, how you wish you could turn back the time. How foolish you were back then- it repulsed you to no end. You were sure that the universe had set this trap for you; karma was anything but on your side. Of course, when this man re-enters your life- this man who was your best friend- this man that you’d rejected- this man that showed you nothing but kindness, despite the heartbreak you made him feel- this man that was dating your best friend, you instantly fell for him. It was like the world wanted you to see what it was like, to have happiness only for it to be snatched away from you. And now look at you! You were an unemployed drunk, in love with her best friend’s man who was your childhood best friend. Karma’s plan had succeeded; you were done for, miserable. And who could you tell? Not your mother, who absolutely hated you after getting yourself fired, and, sure as Hell, not Marina. You were all alone.

What you hated most about this was the small… loathing that had grown for Marina, for the girl who had never done an ill thing to you. God, you were jealous, and you hated having to admit that to yourself. Marina Delgatto was everything that you weren’t, everything you wanted to be; she was beautiful, smart, loyal, honest, and overall perfect. Of course, Damon would choose her over you any day, and the thing that hurt you about that was that you knew he would never feel the same way for you again. He’s seen you passed out on their couch, vomit in your hair- oh, yes, he and Marina lived together, practically married. He’d never look at you the way he looked at her, and you’d never seen two people with so much admiration for each other. Compared to her, you were nothing. 

You were brought out of your self-hating thoughts - ones that Marina would scold you for having - by the guests of honour making their way to you. Oh, that’s right, it was their anniversary; today marked three years of love between the two. You never even got a day of love, but you would in no way bring your best friend down on her day, especially after all that she’d done for you, putting up with your crap; you would put on a smile, no matter how bad you felt. You’d drink the champagne that you hated; you’d come to her parties that suffocated you; you’d even be miserable while watching her have the life you always wanted, while watching her prance around with the man you loved, just for her. “Hey!” Marina squealed at you as you replaced your frown with a smile. As the couple quickly made their way to you, you couldn’t help but let your gaze linger on their clasped hands, swallowing before your mask went back up.

As your dark brown-haired friend let go of her lover’s hand to pull you into a hug, you couldn’t help but wonder if this was what your life would look like, if only you hadn’t turned him down, if only you hadn’t been so ignorant. Would he be holding your hand? Would this be your party, yours and his? She pulled away from you, still holding on to your arms, “Oh, my God! It feels like I haven’t seen you in ages!” At your friend’s theatrics, you let out a genuine laugh. Oh, you didn’t deserve her at all. Would she be looking at me like that if she knew the truth? you asked yourself, not giving yourself time to answer the question; it would only bring you agony. You smiled at her, hoping the pain in your eyes was concealed well enough. “You saw me yesterday, Rina.” Your tone was playful, and you wouldn’t believe yourself if you were her, but, judging by the grin on her face, you were in the clear.

“Still!” The brunette complained, stomping down like a child, leading you to chuckle. Your laugh was in perfect harmony with his, with Damon’s, and you suddenly remembered he was there, too, making you tense. His laugh was music to your ears, and it disgusted you that it probably was to your best friend, too, that hers was melodic to his. Oh, you screwed up big time. If Marina noticed your stiffening, she didn’t say anything, perfectly oblivious. You could remember the times where you couldn’t lie to her, but just look at you now. You could barely recognize yourself. “You’re my best friend,” you wouldn’t feel that way if you knew, “and,” she dragged out the ‘A,’ smirking, you mirroring Damon’s smile at her antics. He must love her so much, you thought. “I have something extraordinary to tell you.” Her eyes widened in emphasis, playfully nodding to herself. Your laugh was loud and made a few people turn to you, but your care had flown out the window at the very second that your best friend arrived. You fake groaned, impatient as ever. Hearing about Marina’s happiness made your guilt ease, just a bit, at the thought that she was okay, that you weren’t hurting her. You whined, “Just tell me!” You almost blew your cover when you heard him laugh. You made him happy, albeit not as much as before, but you did. That laugh of his could cure your depression… could, not would.

You were brought back to the conversation by your brunette companion, dramatically sighing, “Well, if you insist.” She giggled, looking like a schoolgirl, blush spreading over her cheeks. What she said next made you wish that you never asked. “Damon and I are getting married!” It was like everything stopped. You almost dropped your God awful flute. Everything was blurred, words were muffled. You felt as if the air had been knocked out of you. You almost choked, breathing out, “You’re-” Marina hadn’t a clue of your state, cutting you off. “He proposed to me yesterday on the pier, and-” the brunette drone on and on, but her rambling fell upon deaf ears, her words replaying in your head like a broken record. Getting Married. Proposed. Pier. That used to be your spot, Damon’s and yours, the pier, and he went ahead and proposed to her there.

A lump grew at the back of your throat as you attempted to blink back your tears. You didn’t deserve to cry, nor did you have a right to; you rejected him, not the other way around. You’ve never regretted anything more than you did at that moment, your body in autopilot as it watched your friend hold up her left hand to show her ring. I should’ve told him I loved him while I could’ve. Suddenly, the urge to say the words you wanted to say grew stronger. Marina was still ranting, and you hoped that you at least looked like you were listening. Just say it, you silently pleaded to yourself, screaming out in agony. You knew you'd regret it if you didn't. You knew that you couldn’t make the same mistake again, the mistake of not saying the right thing. You didn’t want to live the rest of your life, wallowing in your faults. 

Your lips parted, ready to form the words, I’m in love with your boyfriend- your fiancé. You almost did it. You almost let yourself cause that type of chaos, almost ruining your best friend’s relationship. You almost let yourself say the words that you were sure would make Damon hate you, that would make Marina hate you. You almost gave in to your own desires, almost put yourself first. But, then, right as the words were about to be uttered, you saw the wide smile on her face, heard the chuckle he let out at her excitement. You saw how happy they were, and the words just halted themselves. 

“-and just, isn’t this incredible?!” You blinked, being pulled out of your reverie, watching your best friend jump up and down. You forced a smile onto your face, hating yourself for not being able to naturally be happy for her. You didn’t deserve her, not one bit. You mustered up a chuckle, softly shaking your head. “It’s amazing, Mar.” Liar. Marina’s naivety didn’t seem to last as she noticed the tears in your eyes, the smile slipping from her face. “Are you okay? I can call off this whole thing if you-” you couldn’t have interrupted her any quicker than you did. She was willing to put her happiness aside for you- you did not deserve her in the slightest. Her loyalty only made you feel guiltier. You responded to her, smiling fakely, “Yeah,” you paused, shaking your head and wiping your eyes before any makeup could be ruined, disappointed in what you’d become. “I’m just-” for a split second, those words almost spat themselves out, but you stopped them before any damage could be done. “I’m just so happy for you.” But you weren’t, though, and that felt worse than any pain you could ever endure. One lie just led to another, it seemed. You were going straight to the depths of Hell to be damned, you were sure. 

The brunette looked skeptical for a moment before her grin returned. You almost felt thankful to her for hiding the good alcohol, because Lord knows what you would’ve spilled had you been intoxicated. “Oh, goodness, we’re gonna have so much fun! You’ll be the maid of honour,” maid of honour? Oh, God, you’d have to go to their wedding. "-and we’re all gonna-” she continued on, gesturing with her hands for emphasis as your eyes trailed away from her and onto him. When you looked in his direction, your eyes met as he was already staring at you, gratefulness in his eyes. For what, you wondered, before it hit you. It was then that you realized, he knew. He didn’t want her to know. Your heart felt like it was being ripped apart; he cared for her so much so that he went to such great lengths to make sure she was happy, to keep that joyous smile on her face. He moved on, and you could see that just by looking at the love that swarmed in his eyes, that love for her, that care, that concern. His happiness sprouted from hers, his heart beat for her. Oh, how you longed to be her, but then, you realized, that used to be you, and you had everything that she did, but you ruined it.

With a frown, you realized that you lost your chance with the best man you’d ever met, and you would have to watch your best friend have the happiness that you would never get, receive the love that you never had and always wanted. You couldn’t help but let your mind wander to places it shouldn’t have been, wondering, what if I had said it, told him I loved him back that day, told him today? Well, you never got the opportunity to find out. Guess some things were just better left unsaid.

THE END