my head's a park

Actually, I have literally no idea what I’m doing here. This whole spring thing fucks me up so much even from the inside of my room, why would I come outdoors to a park? No questions, I’m an idiot. I just want to go home. Or, somewhere not here. All these freaking flowers around me, with their colours, their smell seeping into my nose, the twittering birds, the sun sliding down on the horizon, the creek washing its banks… UGH! Too pleasant, too romantic, too definitely-not-me!

Nevermind, I’ll walk around for a little while. I have to wait for the high to leave my system, I can’t go home like this. Huh… Home. I hate this word almost as much as spring. Okay, maybe even more. I can leave spring behind, I will leave spring behind when I move North. But my home? My family? Hah, no way. They’ll always be the biggest pain in the ass. My pathetic mom, my narcissist father, my self-absorbed, dumbass brother. All of them… Dad will freak out when he finds out I’m leaving. He will come at me with “Little Hailey berry, don’t you leave your family here, we love you so much little berry! You’re Daddy’s only princess, you don’t want to leave all this love and abundance behind, am I right baby?”. I literally hear his sugary voice in my head and I know that it will echo inside for days. And then he will crash the door of my room, sloppy drunk, shouting and dragging mom with her and beating her until she starts shouting at me as well. So there I will be, sitting on my bed, tears running down my face, listening to the people who made me, now screaming at me that I will never make it alone, I’m unlovable, incapable and I can leave right now if I want. “You can move your fat ass to that broke, wasted nigga who you sleep with!” That’s always the final. That’s the last thing they do, talk shit about the only person I love in this world. I can’t even look them in the eyes anymore. I can’t face the depth of their feelings mirrored through their dumb faces. Every single time I tell myself that this has to be the last time, I won’t let them do this to me again. But they do. And it gets worse. It’s like a wicked circle, you can never get out. Sometimes I don’t understand it myself.

Those to whom such things haven’t been done by their parents will never understand the feeling of emptiness after each fight. The touch of the devil, caressing your cheek. The feeling of really being so damn unworthy of everything. When you just lay in bed and hope that somehow the World cracks in under you and you just disappear for good. But guess what, it never really happens – no matter how many stars have you counted when you squeeze your eyes very hard, no matter how much money you wasted on make-up to cover your bruises, no matter how fucking high you get every Friday night, it never happens. You’re stuck. It’s a circle.

Jaden, the “broke, wasted nigga” is the only reason I still haven’t killed myself. Oh, and drugs, but I’m not really proud of that part.

Actually, the riverbank doesn’t look that bad. I like the colour blue. I like the sounds of waves as well. It kind of mutes my thoughts. Oh, and I adore children. They play that pebble game at the riverbank. I always used to play that with my cousins before they died.

When I’ll move North with Jaden, I won’t have to be dealing with this spring thing ever again. Neither the loathsome summer nor all the stupid people around me. It will be just the two us and the snowy mountains, the cold breezes, the fluffy coats and hot chocolate I prepare him every morning. And pretty soon this little treasure under my heart. I can feel my belly growing now.

Before Jaden, I thought I would never be a mother. I abhorred even the idea of following my mom’s example and bring another human being into this screwed-up world, into another screwed-up family. Maybe it’s them. Maybe it’s mom and dad who made me this broken and starving for love. Before Jaden I thought I would always be hungry – so I can never bring to life such a miracle as a baby. 

And even with him, we didn’t really talk about these things, but then just boom... The test showed positive so there was no choice. Jaden was out of his mind happy when I told him. I’m going to show the world what a real family is. I’m going to prove that no matter how broken I am now, I will make the life of this little angel inside a living dream. Me and Jaden. Because he is my shelter, and I will be my baby’s shelter. He taught me how to love and how to accept love. He put my pieces together and kissed honey at my scars. He dragged me out of the pit I was told to stay at so many times by some many people. He held me through the worst and worse – even when I was all crazy and drama and problems. He not only lives in my heart, loving him is the way I breathe, he’s the blood pulsing in veins and now he is my whole life – growing inside of my body.

Okay, this park is getting me too romantic. Or maybe the lines I did before I left home. I should get going now, it’s getting dark. I can’t let dad beat me up anymore, I need to take care of myself.  

Shit, if I run I might catch the tram at the end of the park road. Okay, I didn’t really believe that I’ll go with the next. I smoke a cigarette till that. Why the heck is my phone buzzing so hard?

Jaden’s mom??

Overdose??

Jaden’s dead?

Jaden’s dead.