Fighting with Gratitude

Gratitude, positive thinking, meditation…BLAH.

As a born realist (with a healthy dose of pessimism thrown in), I have never believed in the power others placed in these practices.

Life is what it is. Bad things happen. You deal with them and move on.

That’s how I was raised.

If one more person tells me to smile - or worse to count my blessings - I will scream! Loudly and in their face.

What the hell is there to be grateful about, anyway?

My life started unraveling last year, in the form of a break-up, a fire, and the passing of my dog. The first two were bad enough, but my fragile heart shattered when I lost my dog. He was my child, my best friend, and for the past few years, my co-worker.

With my dog’s advanced age and health issues, I knew our time was limited. Whenever I voiced those concerns to my ex, he would feign compassion and swear he would be by my side when the time came to say goodbye. But that was just one more lie.

Instead, he dumped me a few months before my sweet Peanut died. Leaving me alone during one of the worst times of my life. When he heard the news, I received a perfunctory text and nothing more. A text completely devoid of actual sympathy, I might add.

Gratitude?

I am not grateful.

I am unhappy and pissed off.

So unhappy, I finally sought professional help. Not that I believe in therapy.  I just don’t know what else to do.

Now my therapist wants me to keep a gratitude journal.

“Writing things down and making a conscious effort to find something for which to be grateful, will help”, she says.

I don’t buy it.

Sometimes life just sucks. Gratitude doesn’t solve anything.

But…I’ve always been a good student who does my homework, so I bought a gratitude journal. Well, I bought a cheap spiral notebook. Do you know how expensive those journals are? My therapist must have stock in whatever company produces them. She probably makes money off this whole gratitude racket.

I will give it a shot, though. It can’t hurt, right?  

Sigh. Here goes nothing.

Day 1

Why am I doing this?

Day 2

I don’t know what to write. There must be something.

Well, I guess I’m grateful for my job. Even though I don’t really like it. Still, it’s a paycheck.

Day 3

I miss my dog. How am I supposed to be grateful for the gaping hole his absence left in my life?

Day 4

I definitely can’t do this every day. Maybe I’ll try weekly.

Day 10

It’s been over a week, and I haven’t found anything to be grateful for except my job. I mean, I’m glad I have a home, but isn’t everyone?

Day 15

I saw my therapist yesterday and told her this wasn’t working. She cocked an eyebrow and asked me to keep trying. She is optimistic, I’ll give her that. I’m grateful that my parents raised me to be more realistic. Ha! I guess I CAN find some gratitude!

Day 21

They announced layoffs at my company today. Two people on my team were let go. I feel terrible for them, but I am so relieved it wasn’t me. I am super grateful for my job. I don’t know what I would do without a steady paycheck.

Day 24

They finally finished the smoke remediation in my house. I am so thankful the smell is gone. I can finally walk into my laundry room without a mask. I know it was killing my lungs. Thank goodness I lowered my insurance deductible last year, so it didn’t cost me an arm and a leg.

Day 30

Valentine’s Day. UGH! I HATE this day. All these couples acting cheesy and romantic. At least I didn’t have to buy him another gift he wouldn’t have appreciated. There’s that, I guess.

Day 31

I miss my dog so much. He was such a huge part of my life. I am still heartbroken. I would give up every future romantic Valentine’s Day to have my Peanut back.

Day 32

Words cannot express how grateful I am for the 13 years I had with my Peanut. 

Day 40

I haven’t kept up with my journal, but it’s for a good reason. I found a dog wandering around the neighborhood last week and have been trying to find her home. She’s such a sweet girl. I’m so glad I can keep her safe.

Day 42

Owners found! I am so happy!

Day 47

I had my first session with a personal trainer today. It’s expensive, but I am saving a ton of money since the break-up. I never realized how much I spent on my ex! It’s so nice being able to spend money on myself for a change. 

Day 50

My friends are amazing! We had the best time tonight! What would I do without them? I am so grateful they are here to support me and make me laugh when I’m down. They don’t even know how much our get-togethers mean to me.

Day 52

I can’t believe I haven’t written about my family! We don’t always see eye to eye, but I am so lucky to have them. My sister is my biggest cheerleader and my nieces and nephews…there are no words for how grateful I am to have them in my life. They have grown into amazing humans. My heart is full.

Day 53

I initiated a weekly gratitude text with the women in my family today.  Each Friday, I will text them something I am grateful for and ask them to respond in kind. They seemed a little skeptical, but I really want to share my gratitude journey with them. I think they could all use a little pick-me-up. I hope it helps.

Day 59

Rough day. Work is tough. I still miss my Peanut. I even miss my ex sometimes. He did have his good points. I felt myself sinking this afternoon but refused to go down into the abyss. Instead, I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and recounted all that I was grateful for. My job, my house, my car, my family, my friends…and the 13 years with my Peanut. It’s become a daily mantra. It always quiets my mind and makes me feel better.

Day 65

I have to admit, I was super skeptical about this gratitude thing. I look back at my early journal entries (note to self: buy an ACTUAL journal) and cringe at the negativity. I was in such a dark place at the beginning of the year. I feel like a different person now.

Day 74

I forgot to send my weekly gratitude text today, so my niece did it instead! Yay! Everyone has embraced the exercise. I guess I owe my therapist an apology. Apparently, that degree is worth something after all. Haha.

My therapist! I am so grateful for her! I can’t believe I left her out!

Maybe it should be our secret, though. We wouldn’t want her to get a big head. She might start charging more.

Day 79

I have so much to be grateful for today! I don’t even know where to begin.

I am grateful that I saw the truth of my relationship before committing my life to someone who didn’t truly love me.

I am grateful that the small dryer fire was contained, and I didn’t lose my home.

I am beyond grateful for the 13+ years of unconditional love and happiness with my precious Peanut and even more grateful that he is no longer in pain.

Day 90

Maybe there’s something to this gratitude thing after all. I mean, it’s not easy. It takes serious effort. 

When I catch myself sinking into the negativity void, I close my eyes, breathe in, and rattle off my gratitude list.

Does it always work?

Nope.

But the more I do it, the easier it is to choose gratitude when my heart is heavy and my thoughts turn dark. There are still days that I am sad, anxious, or depressed, but they tend to be short-lived spurts, not drawn-out emotional crises.

I wonder if other people know how powerful it is?

Hmm…Maybe I should write about it. 

Time to buy another journal!