Finally Home

Getting into the water was never the plan, but I couldn’t resist. It was the most beautiful blue I’d ever seen and the salty smell was alluring. As I got out, the crystal blue water stuck to me like a second skin and was a familiarity I had missed for many years. Why has it taken me over five years to finally come back here? My mother tried to get me to come home for the summer year after year, but I refused. Being stubborn has its ups, but this was its downs. Nostalgia started to fill my head and my heart, and memories flooded my body. 

I head over to my bundle of clothes on the rocks from where I stripped and ran. There was no time in my mind to neatly fold the clothes so they would look presentable later. Now I have to go to my mom’s shop here on the island looking like I rolled around on the beach for an hour. Putting on my shirt, it smells of the city and is almost foreign to me. My pants then felt like a trap, because here, most people wear shorts. Temped to just wear my bikini bottoms to her shop, I stand weighing my options against what I want versus what I should do. Deciding to put on the trap called pants back on, I make my way to the luggage sitting next to the wood path on the other side of the beach. I took no time getting to the water after getting off the ferry. Stripping clothes as I walked on the beach, I jumped in leaving my luggage at the old, stern wooden path. It takes me a few minutes to build the courage to tell my mother I am home for the first time in five years after graduation. 

The phone rings twice and then before she can say a word, I jump in. “Hey mom. I wanted to let you know I’m on the island and I’m headed to your shop now. I will be walking there so it might be a bit.” I pause to hear her voice. If she speaks to me, it may for once not be full of disappointment because I actually came home. 

“Well look who finally decided to come home. It took graduating college for you to finally say, ‘Hey I think I’ll go home.’ You haven’t seen this place since you graduated, and now you decide it deserves your presence again. Anyway, I’m happy your home and I’ll send James to pick you up. He just dropped off supplies for this week.” She spoke with a feeling of excitement masked by disappointment. These five years away have been both the best and worst thing for our relationship. I chose to go to school across the country because I didn’t want to come back home often, but it turned into no coming home at all.

“No, no, no. You don’t have to ask him to do that. I haven’t spoken to him in years and I don’t think he wants to talk to me again. We didn’t exactly leave on the best terms.” I waited for her to respond with the laugh she always used when I told her about the boy problems I had growing up. James was my high school boyfriend and we planned to go to school together and come back here, but something clicked and I didn’t want to live here my whole life. To battle that situation, I broke up with him and went to New York University to get away. I studied English so I could write for some company in the future, but of course that hasn’t worked out yet. 

“Oh yeah, but you’ll survive. He said he would come grab you. Eyes may have rolled, but he is still willing to get you, so be thankful for that. Now I am going to guess you’re at your favorite beach because no matter how much you don’t want to live here, you belong here. I’ll see you soon.” She hangs up the phone confident in knowing my location. I’d love to say she’s wrong, but alas she is not. This is my favorite beach. It’s quiet and full of life. The ocean stretches out as far as the eye can see. Now I wait for my ride. 

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His car stops on the road, and I can hear the barking engine from here. I walk on the path hoping he will not get out of his truck, but I am wrong when met with the bluest eyes I’ve ever known. 

“Look who’s back home. Your mom’s missed you, and I’ll be honest I did too, for a while. Now I just want to get this over because you are not someone I want to be around again.” He spoke to me like I was the last person he wanted to see, and that was true. I had been horrible to him in the end. No one should have to endure the emotional trouble of the love of his life telling him she doesn’t want a life with him, but he did from me. I want to say I’m sorry and make things right because I never stopped loving him, but my pride takes over and says nothing. He grabs my luggage and throws it in the back of his truck. It’s the same one he drove in high school. I’m surprised it’s still in one piece five years later. 

“I’ve got to drop off some supplies at Big Joe’s on the way to your mom’s shop. It will only take a second. Will you survive being in here with me for that long, or am I gonna have to revive you halfway through so your mom can see you smile?” His sarcasm and frustration is more apparent than he intends, and he knows by the look on my face that I can tell. He turns back to the wheel in front of him, and we start moving toward Big Joe’s I can’t remain quiet any longer. 

“You know I can see the frustration you’re trying to hide on your face, right? I know you too well.” I pause for a reaction, but get nothing. He just continues driving with the windows down and one hand on the wheel. He still looks the same from high school other than his improved sense of fashion. The French crop haircut still on his head, but is accompanied by a shadow of a beard. It is almost alarming to see him grown up, because my memory of him is still young.

“I don’t care what you can see. I don’t care that you are back, and I don’t care if you stay. I am giving you a ride and that’s all. You will not see me while you are here unless you have to, because I’d rather not re-live the memories of high school when I look at you.” Frustration more apparent this time, he continues driving. He takes a sharp turn and smirks when I fly against the door of his small truck cab. My pain is some enjoyment to him. Nothing has changed since high school except for his motivation behind that smirk. I hurt him so he takes joy in my pain. What happened to that sweet boy I loved? 

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Once we arrived at Big Joe’s shop, he hopped out and threw the supplies in the back of the truck over his shoulder. I sit alone in the truck in the middle of town for all eyes to see. Being on the platter of town before I could see my mom is not what I hoped for, but I had to deal with it. To make it all worse as eyes started to notice me, I realized they are seeing me in the truck of my ex-boyfriend from high school. Oh joy, that’s exactly what I need on my first day home. To my surprise when I look up I meet the eyes of sweet old Mrs. Bayler. She owns the pastry shop across the way, and happens to be walking by Big Joe’s. I look away hoping our eyes that met hadn’t. 

“Charlotte? Is that really you? Wow! I haven’t seen you since you were in high school.” I meet her eyes to be kind, but I really want to get out a run away. This is the last thing I need today. 

“Yep it’s me. I’m back in town for a bit. I’m headed to my mom’s shop.” Not knowing how long I’m staying, I lie and hoping just it’s for a bit of time. I wish I knew how long I would be staying, but I will find out when others find out. 

“Oh and I see you’re in James’ truck. I’d like to ask if you two are back together, but I’m going to assume your mother sent him to pick you up. You two were so cute in high school. I always hoped you two would live here and start a family.” As she spoke, James came back to the truck. A smile crept on his face when he saw Mrs. Bayler, but it fell back down when he saw me talking to her.

“Mrs. Bayler, out for your walk I see. Is June handling the shop for you?” He glares at me and then puts his full attention on her. 

“Yeah, she forced me to take it now and I’m glad she did. I ran into Charlotte here, and it’s been a delight to see her again, and in your truck may I add.” His smile turned into an irritated smirk and he made his way back to the drivers seat. 

“We’d better get going Mrs. Bayler. I’ve got to drop this one off at her mom’s shop before I head back to work. It has been nice chatting with you.” He climbs in and starts the truck. Mrs. Bayler waves goodbye and continues on her walk. James backs up with force and takes off on the road like someone is chasing him. It takes about ten minutes to drive to my mom’s shop because her’s is on the edge of town. Olive’s Dresses sits in big blue letters on the roof. My mother is sitting on the porch when we arrive. I hadn’t realized how late it was. The day had gone from the sunrise ferry to this cool two o’clock afternoon. 

James breaks hard so that I get out just a few seconds sooner. Spending the with me must be that bad if he wants me gone even sooner. I hop out, he glares at me and waves goodbye to my mother. 

“Well, look what the tide dragged in. My own daughter, Charlotte, who left without a second thought five years ago. Your father would be disappointed if he could see you now. You wouldn’t visit your own mother while in college. Come on, kiddo. I missed you. Now take your stuff and put it in the car. I’ll take it home when I leave, but you are walking.” I don’t even get a chance to respond as she turns around and heads inside. Her car sits a few feet away parked out front, and I grab my luggage to throw in the back seat. Of all the ways my mother could welcome me home, she does it by making me walk to my childhood home. My clothes get a ride, but I don’t. This is going to be the best day ever. 

“You know, you really hurt that boy. He loved you, and you left him with nothing. You guys had a plan, Charlotte. He tried to contact you many times, even through me, but I told him to just leave it after two years. There was no way you would be talking to him. You’ve got too much pride.” Her words hang in the air and wait to hit me until I’m in the door. Who wouldn’t want to be welcomed with words of disappointment upon returning home? She grabs her sketchbooks and extra fabrics before walking out the same door.

“You’re walking home. Use the three miles to think. Then when you get home, you can nap because you look dead.” She flashes a smile while locking the door. All this time I stay quiet because that words I want to say are hidden behind years of stubborn pride. Without another word, she gets in her car and drives off. 

My walk is quite pleasant I may say, and it allowed my to tire myself out, but as it got dark, I rushed to the house. All I wanted was a nap. If only my dreams could take me from this reality and give me a new, better one. When I finally make it to the house, my mother is in her studio working again. I walking into my old room and lay down on the dusty bed I once called my own. My eye lids are heavy from the moment I hit the pillow, and before I can protest, I’m out like a light. 

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I wake up what feels like a few hours later but am surprised to see the clock says, 10:30 at night. My mother is asleep by now, and to not disturb her, I think about walking to the beach. It’s always so lovely at this time with the stars shining brighter than anywhere else. I make my way to the beach closest to the house. 

If the stars had not been so bright I would not have been able to find the path worn in the ground like the seat of a chair. Generations upon generations have walked this path and now I do again years later. At the beach I am met by a dark figure in the distance. I freeze in panic to discover it’s James. Why in the world would he be at this beach at this time of night? I just wanted to be alone on this island for once today. I sit further away so he doesn’t see me. The last thing I need is for him to roll his eyes and glare down into my soul, but to my luck, he does see me. 

“Charlotte McAdams. Why am I not surprised to see you on this beach? I just can’t seem to get away from you today. Well, I did get a few hours to myself.” He pauses before continuing with an explosion of the last five years behind it. “You left me here! I loved you, and frustratingly I still love you after these years. I wish you had never come back. All you do is cause me trouble.” It was not until this moment that I heard some slurring of words. He’s been drinking a little. Probably because I came back without any warning. He sits down next to me. This time I don’t stay quiet. 

“I know what I did to you. I know what I did to my mother. I regret how I handled it, not leaving. I was able to study what I wanted, but I didn’t have what I wanted. I left you behind because I was scared, and I know you will never forgive me. I’ve accepted that you won’t.” I hold back tears and just look at the sky. If he responds I wouldn’t know it because in this moment, all I wanted was to escape to the stars, because I’m finally home.