Life ChANGER

"No more of this" I tell myself, knowing full well I'll be doing it again tomorrow. I tell myself I'm going to make a change every time something doesn't go my way and over and over it stays the same. Well I've finally dropped the ball (and everything else I touch) one to many times. So it's time for the usual tuck and run that comes with this type of frustration. It's almost a comforting feeling to be in this familiar type of chaos.

All winter you wait for the Spring, for the break in the cold and dreary that only winter can bring. As the weather warms for the first real time and life seems to return to the world; it sparks a hope in all of the world around you, that even the blind can see. Suddenly there's a motivation that wasn't there, not of this intensity. You've told yourself over and over its time to make a change and be happier, why not now? As you move toward the first steps of change you begin to count the things you'll risk losing, or outright send away from your life.

The lazy days in the habit of repetition are the first item on the docket. The thoughtless tasks that you can do in your sleep, with your thoughts hidden in your music. Those glazed over days that all seem to fade together, the ones that trigger deja vu when you try to remember them. Not much of a loss right? You contemplate how they do help you to get through the hard times and decide they aren't worth saving, and can be replaced.

Next you jump to the fear of uncertainty, to the great unknown of tomorrow. Already you're leaving your safe zone, feeling more exposed. Realizing that your heart has begun to quicken, you feel more alert yet still calm. Now thoughts are wondering toward survival, toward fitting into society in such a way as to flourish. Not knowing can often stop even the most seasoned of veterans in any situation. Of all the directions you desire to go, how will you choose which path to take?

For you to feel this driven toward an unknown path, surely it's God right? How can there be this much strength for a load that seems to only be in theory. Is your purpose ordained? Have you some knowledge the world seeks? Where is this mindset coming from? You know the wisdom is somewhere to be found and its waiting for you. Your whole body feels this, almost enough to give you chills. There has to be something to this for your body to react this way, or is it the power of your mind affecting your whole existence?

Now it's time to explore how you'll feel if you fail, what going right back to where you were before will taste like. Is there any bitter taste to failure? Dangerously close to the time now. Can you save the situation and pick right back up where you stopped? Going forward into a new path can be derailing, but the change is always welcome, since it is the only constant after all. You're growing and becoming more well rounded; surely its good. This feels like an almost convinced thought process now.

In short taking the next step is difficult, in any direction. The skinny of life is uncertainty and lack of control. You've accepted this and ultimately, its ok. Is this a pseudo-intellectual person convincing themselves to follow a toxic thought process on a bad day? There's no way to know and what happens next is almost as much of a mystery as the point to it all...

There's still time to change your mind. A sign would be ideal right about now. Something to tell you what to choose. Maybe just a little reassurance you're not crazy. That these inner monologues are a sane person having sane thoughts. All seems to be still around you, not particularly any different then always just less because your looking for a change.

Now in the stillness of it all you realize its you caught in place. The world kept moving forward even though you stopped. Are you frozen in place? Now it feels like an eternity before your body and mind catch back up. Suddenly its funny that you're here, in this moment. Your sense of humor saves the day. The reminder that being here, today, is not a boast everyone can make.

Time to laugh it off, to recompose yourself. Catch your breath and stand up straight. Make sure your appearance matches your confidence. Hair in place, clothes in place, thought out plan... maybe acting a little prematurely.

How are you suddenly right back where you started the day? Did you really take yourself in a big loop? Maybe that's the sign you wanted. You are already back to the task you disliked to start that day dream. Do it a little longer and be sure. Feeling weak again, spite is bubbling, resentment is growing.

Now you move with deliberate steps toward the door. Walking faster, with determination just because you failed before. Going with your body letting it run itself for the moment. Auto-pilot isn't all bad. If you're meant to stay surely two, even three tries will render the same results. The definition of insanity is repeating the same action expecting different results. Are you crazy? How many people would be right if you were? Strength returns at this thought, if only to prove the naysayers wrong you will succeed.

Now in these last moments before the fall, you see as much as you can of the future. Realizing any observation of the future is even crazier then you are.

Crazy or not, its time to begin this process. If nothing else its at least a moment to entertain the idea. See where it goes from there, how bad can that go? Reserved and determined to at least experience the attempt, you truly move this time. How it ends will be the story for the day, maybe the rest of your life. Everyday and every moment after this will be tied to this. Even if last minute you bail and go back to what started it, it was hinged on this moment for you. You've got this either way, why stress?