Ban for Life

Horace Bigalbal

Manager of the Valley Market and Co-Op

1356 River Road

Smallville

Dear Manager Bigalbal,

I am reaching out to provide my sincerest apologies to you and all your staff for the events of May 13^th. I would like to attempt to explain my behavior and try to repay the damage done to your store.

As you may remember, the weather was chaotic that night and it was the very storm warning and oncoming tornado that required the shelter-in-place order that trapped myself and so many others in the store for our own safety as the tornado threatened to hit the streets of our small town. I would like to blame the fact that I am a stay-at-home mom who is surrounded by children all day long. I have a hair trigger for entertaining the masses as a means of survival in my world. It may have been my desperation to get the milk I had come for; to get home to my thirteen- and fifteen-year-old who were watching the baby whom I had abandoned to run to the store for supplies that I had not purchased in advance even though the weatherman, in his ill-fitting suit and nasal voice, had warned me would come. It could’ve been that it had been a very long day at my home-run daycare; I had not showered, and it was now nearly bedtime for my little ones, and I was at the Co-Op in my plaid pajama bottoms and baby food-stained t-shirt with my hair in a devastated Mom bun. It could’ve been your pimple-faced manager who had the other twelve-year-olds blocking the front doors to keep us from leaving your store that threw me over the edge. It might have been that I had left my car running in the parking lot with only our dog Fetch inside. But the truth of the matter is that I don’t have any excuse for what happened next.

I will forever regret that I turned to the other prisoners, I mean patrons, and shouted, “Who would like to play a game?” I am undoubtedly the ringleader of what will forever be known as the Valley Market Winter Games.

I will tell you about the various events, not to brag, but to explain the mess that remained when, finally, the front doors were opened again, and we were allowed to leave your store.

I gathered all who were interested in meeting me near the bakery and there we pulled numbers from the dispenser for the order of our first competition. I divided everyone into several invented “countries” and began the Opening Ceremonies. We opened some markers and colored paper from the office supply aisle and each team had five minutes to create a flag which we attached to dowels from the craft aisle. We then had a processional which passed the meat department and into the produce passing the onlooking cashiers and shelf stockers. Again, I would like to blame the others, but I might have coined myself the COOODE (the Co-Op Olympic Director of Events).

The first competition was a skeleton pairs event down the toilet paper aisle. It was a race to the finish with the six-wheeled platform carts from the garden center with a “speed runner” steering from the back of the cart and one player lying face down on the cart. The aisle choice was for safety (in case of cart crashing or getting away from the driver) with the hope that the TP would absorb the impact of any speed driven team members thrown from the cart. You can see my thinking on that fact, can’t you? We held three heats of two teams each. Frozenfoodland took the gold, The Bananas took Silver and Hungery took the bronze. We couldn’t not hold a medals ceremony on the packing crates in backstock right? They had competed so hard and deserved the cookies from the bakery painted in various colors!

The next event was team on team in hockey. I can’t imagine this event needs a great deal of explanation. There were brooms from the cleaning aisle. There was an orange from produce as the puck. It was a timed event. Chile Verde took the gold; Viet Nom Nom took the silver and Frozenfoodland took the bronze with your pimple-faced manager as a reluctant referee.

We used our hockey brooms for the next event – frozen turkey curling. A team member would roll the chicken down the frozen food aisle and another member would try and slow and direct the turkey with a broom as they shot for the target that I drew on the cement floor with children’s chalk from the toy department. The powerful and skilled Frozenfoodland team swept the gold yet again in curling. Viet Nom Nom took silver and Chile Verde captured the bronze just two seconds ahead of United Yumdom.

The last event was ill-advised and my most regrettable decision. All I will say is eggs on tile in front of the deli as the Speed Skating event ensued was reckless. There was running and sliding for distance.  There were three injuries in this event with two members of Frozenfoodland being disqualified and a tie for bronze. United Yumdom took their first and only gold medal. Chile Verde took bronze. Frozenfoodland tied The Bananas for bronze. All the injuries were secured by a first aid kit and a very helpful employee from the service desk.

The doors were opened before we completed our closing ceremonies, and we received the all clear from the local weather station. We were released. I ran out to check on Fetch and my car running in the parking lot. When I tried to get back in the store, your team of employees locked me out of the store. They would not let me in to clean up the eggs and other items. They left my milk on the outside of the glass doors.

I have included a list of the items we used in your store and enclosed a check for all those items. And my milk. I have also included a photo album of the games.

I received your letter and hope, with my explanation and financial reimbursement, that you will reconsider your ban. I believe that a Ban for Life is extreme when the co-op is the only market in town.  I promise to never hold the Winter Games in your store again - no matter my motivation.

Sincerely,

Former COOODE