Fric the Caveman

So-ho-ho~ You think you know how the dinosaurs went extinct, huh? Think you’re so smart?  

“The dinosaurs went extinct 65 million years ago because of a meteor- the earliest human ancestor was found to have existed only 6 million years ago- no human has ever seen a dinosaur in person-” you believe, but these are all rumors spread by scientists to keep you quiet.

My name is Fric, and I’m a caveman.

I lived alongside my family… until they died in the apocalypse...

“Oh no,” you say , “what happened?!” you ask. Well, it’s a long and unfortunate story… between one thousand to three thousand words or so. An absolute tragedy. Where do I even begin?

It was an average day in the cave. My wife was eating the ticks off my daughter, and my son was throwing rocks at something dangerous… it was a great day. I watched the sun reach the peak at noon, and called for a hunt.  

We searched for hours before we came across a mammoth. It was big and hairy, and it smelled like a mammoth. Preparing our spears we quickly, but quietly, approached. We were starving, but we were NOT going to starve. I took my spear and raised it into the air. I pulled back, aaaaannnnndd…. Boom! Right through the mammoths head! It collapses, there’s blood! AaaahHHahhhah. My children cheer! My wife falls into my arms, “Fric, my hero!”

But… out of the corner of my eye, I see something big… something… unfamiliar… the ground shakes, my wife hides behind me, my children wail. It’s a t-rex! A zombie t-rex! It charges to a nearby brontosaurus and bites it in the neck! It screams, it collapses, and then it gets back up again… Oh no! Two zombie dinosaurs! Time to go!  

I grab my kids, and I grab my wife, and I grab the mammoth, and I book it for the cave. I’ve never ran so fast in my life! Suddenly from out of their grave dinosaurs from all around me start rising from the dead, moaning and groaning and threatening to eat my BRAINS.  

We get back to the cave and I throw my children into the cave, and I throw my wife into the cave, and I throw the mammoth into the cave, and I throw a rock into the cave, and I throw my spears into the cave, and suddenly realize my family… is dead.  

They were crushed and full of spears! “Who could have done this?!” I wailed, falling to my knees in tears, “curse you dinosaurs! Curse you!”  

I pull a spear out of my wife and I run back towards those dinos and I start whackin’ ‘em with it, I whack the t-rex, I whack the brontosaurus, I whack them all! But they don’t fall! I remember the ancient drawings on the cave walls about this great show called the walking dead, and it comes to me. I have to take off their heads! And so I take off the t-rexs head, and I take off the brontosauruseses head, and I take off all their heads! And then I scream and slam my fists on my chest and I scream like tarzan AHhHAHHaAAA.  

The zombie dinosaurs were no more… they were extinct. It was a tough battle. It took a lot out of me. But I did it. ‘We are the Champions’ by Queen plays as I walk back to my cave. The zombie t-rex explodes as I walk away...  

When I get back to my cave the music stops. The mammoth… is gone! I was so afraid I was going to starve after all that I forgot about my family! Where were they?! I look to my left, I look to my right, I look to my left again, I cross the caveman road, and I see something in the distance. It’s a zombie mammoth, chewed up and spit out again by zombie cavemen! My family! My own family! How could they do this to me?! Now I’m going to starve. They have to die. I take my spear, and I pull back my arm, and I throw it. It was the perfect shot. It goes through all three of their heads, they fall to the ground. I ran to them.  

“Rebecka…” I say, lifting my wife into my arms, “why were you such a bitch all the way to the end?” I fall to my knees and lift her into the sky, wailing “REBECKKKKKAAAAAAAAA”  

I dug four graves that day, one for my daughter, one for my son, one for the mammoth, and one… for Rebecka. The love of my life, and the worst cave lady to ever live.  

I take a walk to the ocean, wondering what I’m to do with myself now. I should draw my story on the cave walls. All cavemen will know my name. I am the man, the myth, the legend… Fric the Caveman.  

I run back to the zombie t-rex and I take it’s head off to add to my huge collection of heads and put it into the cave for safe keeping.

I went back to my cave, and I drew my story, using zombie t-rex blood. It’s a story of a man who lost everything in the fight against the zombie dinosaurs. Once extinct, should always be extinct, that’s what I say. There’s a message in this story somewhere. A theme, if you will. A theme so profound, so... photosynthesis… that no normal man could ever comprehend it. This story is not understood by the common man. It is a message straight from god himself!  

I, Fric the caveman, am the man that understands. The theme of this story is, and can only be, “Facing your fears.”. I understand if you can’t understand the deep messages of this story, there are few as smart as I.  

And with that, my story, the story of Fric the caveman, the best story of all time, is complete. Please put this on the wall of special stories. -

And that’s my project! What do you guys think?”

“I don’t know, Charlie… it’s not really post-apocalyptic… at all,” Sarah points out, “and I don’t think she’d appreciate you using the word… bitch…”

“Oh come on, we're seventh graders now, she won’t care about that. And, it’s totally post-apocalyptic! There are zombies! And dinosaurs actually went through an apocalypse.”

“It sucked, Charlie, you’ll get an F, for sure.” Quin laughs.

“Oh come on guys, it’s just a writing class, she won’t be that hard on me.”

“We had a single vocab word, “Photosynthesis”, and you messed that up! We had to write about the apocalypse and humanity facing it’s fears, and you wrote about cave men and zombie dinosaurs.”

“Whatever! You guys suck.” Charlie puts ‘Fric the Caveman’ under his arm and stomps over to the garbage to clear his lunch tray. What do they know?  

He walks past the tall fences with barbed wire and stares out at the wasteland that used to be a place called Kansas. He gets anxious preparing for the impending ‘F’, and goes through the virus screening. But I didn’t want to do a history paper, he whined.