My missing piece

Ive never really felt complete. Is anyone necessarily? As a child I never had much, I never realized that till now. At that time I thought I was the happiest person alive, but once I got older I realized I never really had much. I had to grow up in a house with barely one room. A lot of our meals were instant mash potatoes ( I loved them then though). My mother was never there most of the time, and still isn’t. My father was always taking too much medicine, it always seemed like he wasn’t there mentally but he is physically. He gotten into a accident that’s changed his life and mine, lets just say he can’t remember stuff from stuff that happens within a few days, and he can’t use either of his legs or one of his arms. I remember being there watching it all happen, but that’s a story for a different time. Ive moved around a lot pretty much my whole life, so I’ve been to so many different schools and made lots of friends but lost them all due to me moving all the time. That’s because my parents weren’t together, to be honest I don’t even know if they were married at all. But I would go visit my dad on weekends and stay with my mom on weekdays. I really loved my dad, I wanted to just live with him permanently. But I also loved my mom, but I never knew if when she’s “going somewhere and coming back” is gonna be true or if she’s gonna walk out the door for like a year then come back for a year, that’s what happened when she was at home when she and my dad lived together. But when she never came back to my dad she’d go live with a friend or someone for a while and take us with her. But when she got tired of us or something we’d end up with our dad for a while, like that good old year she likes to pull. It didn’t matter how many times she did that to me I still loved her with everything, her and my father. But after my fathers accident like I was talking about, I had to go live with my grandpa, it wasn’t even a week before I had to go move with my aunt and uncle. I lived with them for a year or so then moved again to my other aunts house because she was taking care of my dad, and me and my little brothers needed him in our life since we didn’t have our mom with us. But once again, a year or so we moved back with our aunt and uncle that we lived with before we lived with her because she stared to come home drunk and bring other people home with her. She would always find a little reason to yell at us, but then she started getting abusive. So we told our aunt and uncle and they took us out of there the next day or that same day, I forgot. At this point I was really just so sad,

I never felt like doing anything, I was always In my room trying to hide from everyone, I was starting to harm myself, and then it got to the point where I started having suicidal thoughts and dreams. So I then started seeing a therapist and I got diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and PTSD. All I wanted and thought I needed at the time was my old life, my home.

My thoughts of home was walls and a roof, where I grew up. The older I got I realized I was so wrong. My home Is not a house.

When I first got to middle school I was scared to death I swear. There was so many new people. I was all settled though, since 4th grade and not expected to move anytime soon so I knew I was okay to make friends, but I decided to keep a small group and not get attached just in case I have to move again, and on top of that I’m not good talking with new people, Its not that Im shy or anything. So I always hung out with my one best friend, she was always there for me so I felt like I never really needed anyone else. Until I started talking to a girl that’s mom used to work with my aunt, me and her also used to be in Girl Scouts as little girls. But me and her started getting close, and the next thing you know I started to expand my friend group. But then I meet this one boy, I talked to him for like a week but felt like I’ve known him for like a year, so we started talking talking. But you know how dumb middle school relationships go, “they never last” which this one didn’t, I wasn’t even close to him, and we were always off and on. He wanted to say we were together for a year just because a new year started (don’t come at me about this, this was all 6th grade) but anyways I never really fully liked him, because there was always this one other boy that was In my mind. This is how I found my missing piece.

There was a boy in my gym class (this is still 6th grade) and him and my best friend were talking and looking at me and in my head I was like, “Oh no. What is she doing now.” But I was so distracted by my thoughts, wondering what they were talking about, I didn’t realized there was a basketball flying towards my face. I got hit In the head and then I looked over at my best friend, and I see the boy just over there laughing so hard that he could’ve peed himself, I don’t know why he found it so funny though. So that second I knew that was hm that threw that ball. And as my dumb 6th grader self I acted like it was he end of the world, and so on. But after that day every gym class he’d throw basketballs at me, which lead to us talking a lot. But then we eventually stopped talking because of my 6th grade boyfriend. So I went through that whole school year not talking to him. Over summer break, going Into 7th grade I found him on TikTok and decided I was going to text him randomly and be like, “ Bruh you used to throw stupid ass basketballs at my head.” The thing is I didn’t know that would lead to a conversation that lead to another conversation, that lead to hundreds of different conversations. Me and him became really close really quickly, he was one of my closest friends, and we would text and FaceTime each other all the time (he moved to Florida at the beginning of 7th grade I believe). Once again I had another middle school relationship (not the boy In  Florida) that didn’t last even two week. I wasn’t sad because of the break up, I was sad because I get very attached to people thinking their gonna be there for me forever, me and this boy was best friends since elementary though. But anyways the boy that lives in Florida was nice and mean to me sometimes, he always helped me when I was down and always tried his best to make me happy, theres so much more I could say. But at one point, this feels like forever ago he asked me to be his girlfriend, and so I said yes. Yeah its still 7th grade, don’t come at me. I said yes, knowing that It wouldn’t last long like the other ones. But little did I know, that he’d play a huge role in my life.

Months and months, and months, and many more months went by. I just kept getting closer and closer to him. We knew everything about each other, we were so comfortable around each other. He soon moved back and we started to hang out as often as we could. Next thing you know we’ve been together for a year, then more than a year and so on. This boy was there for me at my worst, when nobody else was there for me. I had medicine for my depression and anxiety that never seem to work enough, but when I have him there’s no point in taking medicine, he’s my medicine that actually works. There’s so much that could be said about him. But, what I want to say is. He helped me figure out what home is. We weren’t a normal middle school relationship, we were even more and better, because we lasted through all the rough times together. He’s not just a boy, he’s my boyfriend, he’s not just my boyfriend, he’s my best friend, he’s not just my best friend, he’s my missing piece. And you know what my missing piece is? Home. He is my one and only home.