My illusion

I could hear someone trying to break the wall from outside. Some idiot must’ve thought that they can possible break this damn building. I have tried it myself for countless times and every try becomes more and more tiring. Cursing out loud I got up from my bed. I opened my eyes to complete darkness and staggering along the way with all the garbage I found the light and switched it on. Scratching my head, I looked around trying to figure out what’s the day today and if I’m lucky, the time. All my life I have been inside these four walls looking down on me. Countless times I have tried to make some connection of how I even ended in a packed four walls room. I barely have space to move around. I relied on newspapers scattered around to usually figure what’s happening outside. Most days I don’t know if it’s the day or night even. When I first opened my eyes in this room, I couldn’t remember anything about my life. For days I called for help and tried to break the walls with every little bit of strength I had. But no luck. No one answered me. The only sound I hear is someone trying to break the wall. Some days it’s dead quiet and I feel like I’m losing my mind slowly yet gradually.

I used to draw lines with every passing day and now all the four walls are covered with them. I lost count on how many days I have been inside these walls trying to breath in and out without suffocating myself. For some reason there is a big, I mean really big box inside the room with canned food of every kind including huge packs of water bottles. I don’t know why am I even inside these walls and why I can’t remember anything. All I know is that before long I would die of suffocation. There is a small lavatory in the corner but no window nor a door. I can’t even understand how I ended up in this place. My only memories are of from the day I opened my eyes in this closed place.

I had hope. I used to pray for whoever god up there. I didn’t know if I believed in one but I prayed every single day to get me out of this hole. But no prayer was answered. I could feel losing myself every day and some days I questioned my sanity and other days if there’s actually a world outside these four walls. It was not long before I gave up trying. I looked for any weapon or something that I could use to kill myself. But there is absolutely nothing inside these walls. There is a bed which is too small for me, a lavatory with only a tap and the huge box with food and water. I have a small bag with clothes but I have worn them all and I could only wash them with water. They smell so bad that if I could vomit without fainting I would have already vomited every body part inside me. The room smells of garbage and sweat.

Soon I gave up trying to find a way to escape and clutched to the newspaper that was in the corner of the room. I protected as if someone will come and steal it away from me. That was my one lifeline. I must have read it more than thousand times. I tried to understand every single word that’s in it to see if there are any clues on how to leave this place. But no. I have tried everything that I could possibly try and do and everything I did was in vain.

The only way I understand that I’m living is from the noise of someone trying to break the wall. Other days I feel like either I’m in a deep sleep and I’m dreaming or I’m dead. The noise makes me realise that I’m still alive and I’m still breathing. For me every single day is my last. I repeat the monotonous tone that I’m tired of even repeating. Some days I just lie on my bed without even bothering to get out and eat hoping that death will come soon. Somedays I hear people screaming and some days I see people that look like monsters haunting me in my dreams. Some days I feel immense pain and I feel like my whole body’s in fire. Somedays I feel numb. I can’t feel my legs, arms nor my fingers.

For me day starts when I open my eyes and day ends when I close my eyes. Sometimes my days are too long when I don’t sleep. Other times that are so small as I wake up eat and then go back to sleep. I live my days like I’m living the last day of my life. I don’t ask for anything and I stopped praying to whoever up there long time ago. Some days, I wake up screaming and sweating drenching the whole bed with sweat. Most days I dream of someone strangling me in my sleep. My worst nightmare repeats itself frequently now more than ever. Every time I close my eyes, before even drifting to sleep, I feel like a monster eating my leg. I could clearly see a monster that looks like a person eating my leg slowly smiling at me. I could feel the blood running down my leg and the suffocating pain that makes me open my eyes and scream.

My life is a failure. I have gone crazy more than I could handle. I don’t know how I ended up here nor who am I. I tried to remember but I only get a headache that I makes me scream. I told myself that there is no world outside and no person beside me. I told myself that I lived my whole life in these four walls. And for one last time I told myself that I’m a crazy delusional madman who’s living inside an illusion that I created myself. I told myself that I have to get out of this illusion that’s in front of eyes before I put my arms around my neck and strangled myself. I heard voices and saw light. I felt someone shaking me and I heard someone calling out to me. I swear I felt and it was real. 

ps. even i have no idea about what i just wrote!