Caught in the 4k

3/17/25 The Accidental Post: 

It’s been a few days since I put my feelings about you in my notes app, but here I am again. Maybe that means I’m learning to cope or deal with my feelings better about you, I don’t know. But I’m back and obviously upset about something so…

For starters, of course at the end of the day all I want for you is to be happy. You deserve everything in the world that is great. I was just posting on snapchat about my roommate troubles while in the gym when suddenly I guess fate decided that it wanted me to see your accidental post. As I went from Snapchat to check what’s on Instagram I saw a post of your friends with benefits on your story with cute music attached to it. 

When I saw the post within seconds I then saw it had been taken down. I waited for a couple of minutes to see if maybe you forgot to put something in it and we’re just editing it to post it back on your Instagram sorry again. But you didn’t. So I knew you either changed your mind about posting it or just made a mistake about not posting it to your close friends instead. I contemplated whether or not I should say something about it. My nosy ass and feelings towards you just had to know so I texted you. I said in our Instagram dms “Gurrrrl I saw ur story before you deleted it, or are changing/decided not to post it, or changed it to close friends lmao. What's tea? ” This tone sounds like a friend. A friend is what you wanted to be with me. And only friends. I didn’t want to make the tone sound like I was mad or jealous. I’ve already lost the battle to possibly have you as a romantic partner. So I don’t want to lose you as a friend or in my life as well. 

Anyway, you voice messaged me back saying that it was a mistake and the post was supposed to be on your close friends only. Not public. You also said you wanted to post him because he’s so pretty and that nothing was becoming a relationship between you two. 

Being the nosy idiot that I am and still trying to sound like a friend I text you back saying, “I can see it developing eventually in like real time tbh. Like I know you're not ready for one but I also see that changing because of him lmao” and with that you voice messaged me back saying, “umm no, me and him are not getting together. Trust me because gurlll I’m not ready. I told him give me like a year and if he gives me a year then he can have me. And I mean he’s waiting, he's being patient so we’ll see. But it’s only been a month sooooo.” I reply in text, “Yeah I know! That’s what I mean. Not now but like I definitely can see you guys going for it and him waiting till then lol. Like he seems like he would wait based on vibes.” You then say, in voice message of course, “uhhh yeah, well, if he waits, if he’s good then yeah of course I’ll give him a chance. That means that he loves me and he’ll wait.” I reply back, “I see it happening.” You finally text back “Hahaha maybe.” And I react with a green heart in support “(green heart emoji.)” And that conversation ends there.

So what has bothered me? Why do I still feel the pain and jealousy? What’s wrong with me? Well, to be honest there should be no reason. I should be happy for you but I can’t feel that because I still like like you. First at the beginning I thought maybe they're together then it’s over for me, but you quickly shut it down. Then I thought if you meant to post it on your close friends, I’m not on your close friends. So I’m not even making the cut as friends. And my brain bets that this guy you post is on your close friends and can see it. Also when you explained the situation that you’re not ready for a relationship you gave him a specific time frame… “wait a year.” Where was that for me? I mean I know I said I wasn’t ready either but it would’ve been comforting to know how long you were waiting for. How come he gets all that when I didn’t? And to be quite honest, since you are friends with benefits and I assume have sex a lot, I could see a romantic connection developing sooner between you two than a year. But again those are just my hunches and thoughts telling me that. 

Why should I care? I like like you but you've made it very clear you’ve lost interest in me. I’ve noticed you talking to me less and snapping me less each day. I know you have a life, but I don’t so it kind of hurts. I don’t expect you to give me more attention or even the same attention I’m sure this guy gets more of from you, but it just hurts knowing that he is. 

I always try my best to get over you at least once every day and not to get my hopes up. I think I’ve done a better job at giving you what you asked for (to be just friends) and respecting your feelings towards me. But it’s so hard to see you be happy with someone else even though that’s what we both want, for you to be happy. I can’t stop you from who you like, have sex with, and who you hang out with because it’s none of my business. All I can do is be there for you, which I will be. Cause you deserve to be happy no matter what. The pain that I ruined or never had the chance to experience what it would be like with you won’t ever truly go away, but I’ve accepted that and am learning to deal with it by just going with the flow in front of you. But what will make me happier is seeing you happy yourself. Even with him or someone else that’s not me.

P.S. I now wonder what else is in your close friend's story that you decided to not share with me. (Not that you should or need to, it's just a thought and feeling I have within me.). 

3/17/25 (Later the Same Day) A Loss for Words:

I fucked up. I always fuck up with you. I’m not good enough. I’ll never be good enough. I need to chill the fuck out but I can’t. I swear, before this and before I fell for you, I was way more normal. But now I’m going crazy with my emotions about you. I like you so much, and it fucking sucks that I can’t, or I’m not supposed to. We’re both not ready for a commitment, so why the fuck should I care? Ughhh.

It’s because you’re still having other connections with people, and I’m jealous. I’m finding it hard to believe you aren’t developing feelings for them, especially one of them since you post about them on your story because “he’s just so pretty,” Ughhh! I guess I was never pretty enough to be posted on your story. It feels like you’re playing with my feelings, even though I know you’re not trying to. It makes me want to stab my eyes with scissors and then take those same scissors and stab my chest, driving them to my heart.

I can’t control where I live or where your friends with benefits live. He just lives closer. Which fucking sucks because I can’t have the opportunity to have that kind of physical relationship with you. Which sucks once again because your love language is physical touch. So it feels like I’m already at a disadvantage in connecting with you. Not that I’m competing with him because we’re just friends, and that’s all you want to be with me. But I act fucking crazy in front of you, always making it weird with my over-obsessed mind that just won’t let things go. I fall too deep before I realize it, and then I fall lower and lower down your tier list of caring feelings. At least that’s what goes on in my mind, but I suspect it’s true.

I realized today that you don’t care about me the way I care about you. I’m never going to be good enough for you, no matter how hard I try. I can act like everything is okay and try to remain just a friend. I’ll try my best to do that. However, the best way I can do that is to shut my ass up. The more I speak, the crazier I sound, and probably the more unattractive I become to you.

Today, when you said not to feel bad because you have "high standards" and are very "picky," it felt like you were saying I wasn’t good enough for you. That is when I knew I’ll never be good enough for you. And it hurt. It hurt really bad.

I wish I could go back to when you used to like me. I wish I could tell my past self to enjoy it while it lasted or warn him not to pester you about being sad over how it ended with your ex. I wish I could do it all again with you. A memory that sticks out is when we first started talking on Snapchat. You told me that a person in your class had a crush on you and asked if you were interested. You replied, "No, I’m talking to someone named Seb right now, and I really like him." I hope I never forget that moment. And of course, I hope you're happy now that you're choosing how you want to live your life. You deserve everything in the world. I just wish I was the one you could be doing that with so badly, even though I know I’m not good enough due to your high expectations that I apparently don’t meet.

I love you. I always will. (Again, whenever I say that, it doesn’t mean I’m in love with you, obviously, but I’ll always have some sort of love for you). Even if you don’t have that same affection for me, my feelings for you won’t ever stop. I hope whatever happens in the future, I’ll still have you in my life. I don’t care how—just as long as you’re there, because you’re important to me. And I can’t lose you. Even though I never wanted to be in a relationship with you at this exact moment, all I wanted in the end was the confirmation that I could be a possibility if we waited until we were both ready for one. However, I now just will be whatever you want me to be. And I hope you're happy with whoever you end up being with because it definitely sounds like it won’t be me in the future, as much as I want it to be.

3/18/25 (Around Midnight) A Loss for Words and Hopefully my Feelings:

I’m not even sure where to begin with these anymore since I’m just writing these for myself to feel better. I always think that when I write these, this will be the last one I write. But it seems to never end. This one is really unbelievable to me, and I’m still processing it all. But I guess this is still my fault. I let it probably come to this and gassed you up to believe I was okay with it, even though I wasn’t.

There I am, about midnight, in my bed, in the dark, thinking about you. Suddenly, I feel my phone vibrating on my bed. I check, and it’s a snap notification from you. Always checking my phone when a new notification pops up, I open it. And what do I see? I see you cuddling with your friends with benefits, who I’m jealous of, in the same bed. You scream, "Caught in the 4K," and you two laugh, turning to each other and start making out! I watch that video on loop, disbelief clouding my mind, my heart shattering into a million pieces.

At that moment, I had to think quickly: what do I do? How do I respond? But I decided to do nothing. I just left the snap open, essentially leaving you on read—something I’ve never done before to anyone.

Tears fall silently as I cry, trying not to let my roommate hear me. I texted my friend about it. She thought I was joking. Honestly, her reaction made me laugh for a second. She warned me all along that you weren’t worth it, but I still disagree. Probably because I have my own issues.

Eventually, I try to sleep through the pain, but I wake up around 4:30 AM to see a notification from you. Even after I didn’t respond, you snapped me. By the time I work up the courage to open it, it’s just a kissy face from you in the dark. I reply with a blacked-out photo.

I try to start the day, but it’s impossible to ignore the hurt. You knew how hard it was for me to not have you care about me in the same way I care about you. Yet you still send that video, even though I told you how difficult it was for me. Do you want to break me? You agreed not to send anything like that, and yet, there it was. That carelessness, that I don’t care attitude we talked about—it’s becoming clear.

I admire that about you, though. I wish I didn’t care so much. You live life with a freedom I can’t seem to reach.

I regret saying I’ll always have a likeness toward you to myself, but I can’t help it. Any sane person with respect for themselves would've dropped you by now. For some reason I can't. I’m still stuck here, not ready to let go. I can manage my emotions better and recognize the situation is better when I’m quiet and just supportive with whatever happens. Even if you're not with me. However, this still makes accepting these truths and possibilities all the more difficult to do.

You and your "friend"—you’re going to be happy together, I can already tell. You’re posting pictures of him with sappy music attached, the connection between you is so obvious, so natural. It seems like you’re falling for him, even though you say you’re not ready for a relationship. Maybe I’m just assuming, but it’s apparent when you post those photos on your story.

I’m not enough for you like he is apparently. I never was. I’m just not good enough. So I wish you happiness. I can’t wait to find mine too, but it sucks knowing it won’t be with you.

I know I'm crazy for this, but I’ll always still have a likeness for you. I love you, forever and always.