A Final Choice

I stare into the sunset, doing my best to feel as if I am the earth below me and the sky above me, or at least as if they are parts of me as much as I am parts of them.

This day had been overwhelming to the point of a total mental breakdown. You know those days where you get into your car after work or school- or whatever dumb shit you have going on that day- and you just want to start driving until you find a new life? Those days where you could just keep your foot on that pedal until you reached a place where no one knows your name or recognizes your face?

And normally, you don't. You drive home. You do whatever you do to soothe your burning soul, and you wake up again the next day. You wake up in the same life. But I am not you. I am an unhinged force of chaos, desperately seeking for some grosser, larger meaning to this mundane world.

So, when I got into my car after work and started driving home, I did not stop. Without knowing I was going there, I headed to the bay. I watched as buildings turned into highways, and highways turned back into buildings until it all melted away into sky, sand, and sea. And now I sit here, from that same car, watching the sunset on this horrid day, as the disgusting feeling that I've missed something great lingers deep in my stomach. The thick, sticky California summer air clings to my skin and my clothes.

"Fresh air?" I say to no one or nothing in particular, yet some unknown seems to agree with me as I step out into the world and towards the water.

The beach is surprisingly quiet for night in July, especially this close to the fourth. You'd think you'd still have some independence day stragglers in the sand sleeping off their celebrations, but there's a comfortable lack of people. All I can see is what looks like a couple a few yards down.

I turn my attention back onto the scene before me. The sun has set halfway below the horizon now as it emits a warm pink glow into the night sky. The minutes of the day seem to slip away as I watch the natural clock hit its mark, and I realize that I've once again ended a meaningless day.

Before I can spiral into a deep depression and blow half my bank account at the liquor store, a gasp breaks the surface tension of the sea. My head snaps toward the direction of the noise, revealing the sight of a boy bursting out from underneath the water, swimming towards the shore in quite an aggressive manor. Without thinking, I run over to help him out of the water and heave him on to shore, pulling my sweater off for him to use as a towel.

The boy kneels on the sand, dark skin shimmering against what is now officially a night sky as we wordlessly collect ourselves. I expected to see more signs of the struggle, but the dude was barely out of breath. If it weren't for his soaking wet clothing, I might have doubted what I had just witnessed.

"Thank you," he says when he hands me my sweater. Shocked and speechless, I gesture towards the water, and then towards him, and then back towards the water again before releasing a confused (and embarrassing) gargle. If we're being completely candid with each other, this guy is pretty cute. He's got a short-ish afro that hangs perfectly just above his eyes, which give off a bronze tint that sends shivers down my spine. After my ridiculous non-verbal question, he lets out a laugh that I could set as my alarm tone and never get sick of. A sticky sweet feeling begins to grow in my stomach.

"I can't give you an answer that you don't know the question to." The boy says with a wry smile. This is sort of infuriating, because what am I supposed to ask when I just watched a boy walk out of the water I've been watching for an hour and a half? He laughs again, assumingly at my frustrated and complexed expression. 

“Where did you come from?” I finally ask, a breath of resignation following, “And who the hell are you?”

The boy sighs before pushing himself up onto his feet and responding with, “You can call me Raff, and I’m pretty sure you know where I came from.” He gestures to the sea with the last part of his sentence. I stare out into the quiet waters, trying to recall if I had seen this boy run into the water while I had watched the day end.

“There’s no way, dude. You’d have to have been under there for over an hour.” I finally conclude. 

“Oh, it was much longer than that,” Raff smiles knowingly, “Could you possibly give me a ride?”

This guy has got to be pulling my leg. I stare deep into his penny-colored eyes, trying to see the truth behind his words. Let’s think this through, yeah? I just pulled this (moderately attractive) kid from, apparently, the depths of San Mateo Bay and now he wants a ride to god knows where? To be fair, it was my decision to run and help him. It didn’t even look like he was struggling to get out of the water, I just felt as if I needed to give him a hand. 

Maybe this is the hand he needed. 

“Fine.” I answer after a solid thirty seconds of silence and he grins at me before heading directly towards my car. A small, anticipatory shiver travels from my toes to my nose. 

How did he know where my car was?

Silence permeates the first fifteen minutes of the car ride. Raff rides with his window down, hand hanging out by the side of the car while his fingers tap lightly to the tune of the music. I keep the sad-girl indie rock up high for a second, trying to plan some sort of conversation that could provide me with more answers. 

“You never told me your name.” Raff states as he takes the authority to turn the tunes down. I glance over at him, catching his eyes trained on me knowingly. Something inside of me feels as if he already knows the answer. 

“It’s Mara.” I say it anyways in order to avoid being impolite, “Did you want to go anywhere specific or am I just driving you to another body of water to disappear into?”

“Oh, Mara,” Raff chuckles again, “I’m going wherever you’re going.” 

I slam my foot down on the break, sharpingly pulling to the side of the interstate before jumping out of the car and storming over to his side. He’s already out of the seat, that annoying wry smile still glued to his perfectly pillowy lips. My fists clench whilst anger bubbles up inside of me, ready to boil over.

“You know what, Raff?” I say his name with disdain, “I’ve had a very very difficult day- you know what? Fuck you, I’ve had difficult year and the last thing I need is some sea boy trying to stalk and assault me! So, either I leave you here on the side of the road and some other vulnerable, lonely girl can find you and take pity, or you can start telling me what the hell is going on! Right now!” 

“You asked to break out of the mundane and now you just want to know everything that’s going to happen to you? Is that not what you’re trying to run away from?” Raff shakes his head, “And we thought you were ready.” 

I take a step back, inhaling sharply. My fists unclench and I try to take a few more deep breaths of the dewey night air. 

“Get back into the car.” I say with complete apathy, continuing the breathwork as I situate myself back into the driver's seat. With my focus set on the road in front of me, and only the road in front of me, I start driving again. We don’t bother to turn the music up or down for a while, and Mac Miller whispers underneath my internal monologue. 

“So, Mara,” Raff begins, “did you want to go anywhere in specific or did you just want to go to another body of water for me to disappear into?”

“We’re going to the mountains.” My response is once again pretty apathetic. The energy in the car has turned from tense to stale. 

“Look, Mara, I didn’t really mean what I said-” Raff starts, but I hold one hand up before he can finish.

“I don’t even understand what you said! Who is ‘we?’ Why do they think I’m ready- for what am I ready for?! All I know is that I’m basically the only person who has called life mundane in probably decades, and this entire day I’ve been searching for something bigger than what I know. So, you were right, I guess. But I’m still pissed off and confused and I don’t know why!” I hold my breath as if trying to contain any more words that might fall out of my mouth. The world seems to vibrate before me- or I seem to vibrate within it, as if the entire energy around us has begun to shift. Raff reaches out to hold my hand. I don’t pull away, surprisingly. Something about being connected to another physical being makes this all seem a little less complex.

“You’re going to understand everything soon. I promise you. You’re headed in the right direction.” He says this without any amusement or humor in his tone, and for the first time all day, I find myself trusting the way I’m going. 

I pull up into the lookout lot, the clock shining a neon green 2:22 a.m as I turn off my car. Neither Raff or myself says anything as we step out towards the edge of the cliff. I look down at the rocks below me, thinking of how fragile life can be. One little slip and this whole confusing experience goes away. 

“Yeah, but you chose this.” Raff sighs, “I tried to tell you, but… your stubbornness reaches across many lifetimes, Mara.” 

My heart jumps when he utters those words. I chose this?

“So, it’s all true? There’s something more than this?” I gesture to the city far below us. The handful of ant sized vehicles whirr in the streetlights as each soul goes from task to task, desperately searching for themselves in everything they do. 

“I know it’s hard to remember but just try, Mara.” Raff grabs both of my hands as he says this, turning me to stare directly into his gaze. He moves his grip up towards my elbows, drawing us just the slightest bit closer. I stare up into his eyes, feeling simultaneously small but limitless. The seconds that pass in that moment feel like hours, up until he leans down and presses his lips into mine. Time begins to speed up and I start to see it all, memories flooding into me at lightspeed.

Two lightforms in the shape of human bodies meet above the cosmos, an argument is happening. One of them- the one with a deep purple glow and blue orbs of energy lining where the spine should be- is gripping on to the lighter green, seemingly begging for something. The green one turns their back and the vision dissipates. 

There’s a young girl running around a field in what looks like nineteenth century attires. The dolly-like pattern on her dress is stained with greens and brows as she runs through the field, talking to invisible soldiers and commanding an imaginary war. A call can be heard from just over the hill.

Another change reveals a dirty young boy in the streets of 1920’s Chicago, handing out newspapers to anyone willing to pay attention. Someone drives by, dousing the boy in rain water that collected in the street. I watch as he leaves the newspapers sitting in the mud.

A new vision shows an older woman standing above a crowd of people, one fist held high and the other wrapped around a sign that demands rights for all. Her voice carries the collective pain of all that have been oppressed. Calls to action cry out as it all fades away.

A futuristic scene of a world I’ve never witnessed before depicts an androgynous subject sitting in a dystopian version of the oval office, tears rolling silently down their cheeks. Their hand holds steady on a big red button. 

When Raff pulls away from me, tears are rolling down his cheeks as well. 

“Refferty.” I whisper, only realizing as I say his name that I am crying too. We look towards the night sky together, holding these bodies we inhabit close. I give him one last tight squeeze before finally, “I’m ready to go home.”