Shine

‘Wait. What do you mean?’ I prompted as he stood up to leave, ‘You cannot leave without-you cannot leave just like that-’ I stuttered trying to find my words, ‘I- want to know.’

‘Innocence. Entitlement. Eagerness. I don’t know what it is with you, young people.’ He replied as he walked towards the coffee maker at the corner of the room. I let out a subtle breath of relief, secretly happy he was not leaving the room yet without answering my question. But anger rushed in simultaneously as I processed his words. I trailed behind him as I tried to control my emotions. 

‘Us? Young people? What’s with you old people acting like you know the secret to life when all you’ve left us with is pain and violence. We are restless to know because we are tired of hearing all your excuses. We want answers now and we want a change now.’ I snapped, and despite my composed face I could still hear my voice quiver in the end. All I could think about is the horrible tragedy that had finally affected my life despite me thinking I might be an exception. Hoping I would be an exception. 

‘Aaliyah! Aaliyah!’ My mom screamed and wailed as she saw noticed my arrival into the room. I drew a shaky breath as I felt all her weight on me when she collapsed into my arms. But it was not her weight that pulled me to the ground. It was the pain in my chest, in my gut, that had nothing against gravity. My tears had unknowingly betrayed me and were now flowing freely down my face. 

‘Is he-is he okay?’ I mustered with what was left in me as I brushed the hair from her face which was wet with tears. I felt her shake her head against my chest and the pain in my chest only increased, and I didn’t even know that was possible. I saw the rest of the familiar faces of our friends and family looking at me with their sincere apology in their eyes. Why were they sorry? They shouldn’t be sorry. My mother shouldn’t be. I shouldn’t be. And my brother definitely shouldn’t have been either. What once could have been the worst nightmare for a black family, was now my reality. My brother had been shot. Twice. By a fucking cop. And all for what? For the color of his rich dark beautiful skin?

The shock hit me once again. I struggled to breathe as reality slapped me harder than before. Why us? The last thing I remember was letting out a harsh sob before I collapsed down on the cold white hospital floor with my shaking mother in my arms. 

‘Darling, you think life is just? It’ll take everything from you and leave you naked on the street begging for mercy. Life is cruel but life can also be beautiful.’

‘How can you say that? Life isn’t beautiful!’ I whisper-shouted not wanting to disturb anyone around us in the waiting room.

‘But look at you. You are as beautiful as they come. And as beautiful as they go.’ He replied with a small smile as he made his coffee. His indifference towards the miserable state our world was in made me boil in anger. I didn’t want to hear if I was beautiful or not. I want to hear why someone thought my brother did not deserve to live. I took in a sharp breath and glared at him with anger. 

‘It’s because of people like you that think everything can be forgiven when it just can’t!’ 

‘Your brother, with the rest of the kids, deserve justice. But if you carry that pain in your chest, it’s going to eat you away. Like cancer, like a bullet, you might not have been shot but you will still end up killing yourself.’ He replied calmly as he went back to our previous seats. I followed his actions as I sat on the cold hard metal chair again.

‘Then I’d rather die than live in this miserable world for even a second more.’ I replied harshly. 

‘Would you say that in front of all the young black kids who were killed on the streets while they thought they’d see tomorrow?’ He questioned back without missing a beat, making me numb all over. I wanted to burst out crying again. My pain consuming me once more. Although I had no more tears left at that moment, he must have felt my pain for he looked at me and let out a small sigh before he hugged me tightly. His arms around me and his scent engulfing me reminded me of my brother, who was also like my father, and I embraced it for as long as I could. 

‘To answer your first question, No. That night I argued with my son, I told him I didn’t want to see him ever again if he didn’t shut up. My son, he never liked to listen or obey anyone. He had his own crazy ideas for the world but all of them came from the right place in his heart. He wanted to do good things but just didn’t know how. I don’t remember one time he actually did what I asked him to do.’ His chest rumbled with a rough chuckle as his nostalgia swallowed him. He was next to me, but he also wasn‘t. He was far away somewhere with his son. ‘But for some reason, he decided to listen to me that one night. He finally shut up like I asked him to, but forever. I s-saw him one more time the next morning, but it was too late. I, now, have to live with that. I have to live with knowing that my last words to my only son was asking him to leave. His last words he heard from his father were words of hatred. Yes, I am sorry I couldn’t have a better goodbye with him. But worst of all, I feel guilty knowing he died with an unrest heart of sorrow that I put in him. Goodbyes? They don’t exist in this world. You don’t know when’s the last time you’re talking to a person. You don’t if you’ll ever see them again or if they’ll ever see you again.’ 

‘I am so sorry...’

‘It’s okay, my love.’ He rubbed my shoulders warmly, his voice old and rusty but soothing me even though it was filled with so much pain, ‘You are right though. This world does have so much more suffering and pain than love and happiness. But do not ever forget, love and happiness still does exist. It exists within you and it is up to you to share it with every soul you come across. To make their journey in life less miserable than it already is.’ 

‘But what is the point to this journey of life then? Why are we even here?’ I asked him tiredly as we broke apart from the hug. He let out a hearty laugh at my question and ruffled my dark thick curly hair. Despite not liking anyone touching my hair, I did not have it in my heart to stop him. 

‘That’s a very good question, Aaliyah. But a very tough one. Our whole journey is a mysterious cycle. The sun rises and sets everyday, and has been for many centuries. But yet, tomorrow still remains unkown. And that’s the beauty of it. It’s life’s way of allowing you to go do your thing. To do whatever that brings you and the people around you happiness as long as you exist in this human form on this lovely mother Earth. The unknown allows you to create your own meaning for life and that is why life is such a subjective term.’ 

‘Life’s way of letting me create my own meaning for life? Sounds like we are trying to hold on to something unreal but hopeful because we can’t accept and live with the fact that our death is meaningless. We are just a mere spec of dust, maybe even smaller, in this huge universe. Why would anything mean anything?’ 

‘Ah, that’s where you are wrong, my child. We are not a mere spec of dust in the universe; we are the universe itself. You and me, child, we are the universe experiencing itself through us and that’s why you matter. The stars and the gold in you, they will shine. You gotta let them shine.’ 

His words left me in silence, left me alone in my thoughts, and my thoughts; oh, they were so heavy, drowning me with it’s harsh breeze, but also, for the first time since my brother had been shot, I felt like I could breathe. We sat there in a comfortable silence until the pain started pouring in again. All those countless names of people that have been mercilessly killed like they don’t matter; who was going to tell them they mattered? Who let them die without even giving them their time to shine? When are they going to shine?

‘I am really sorry about your son.’ I softly whispered. 

‘Thank you, but I know he continues to exist. In my heart, in my memory, and in everyone’s soul he’s managed to bring life, love, and happiness. He shines in all of us. And that’s why it’s important to love and be loved. Because at the end of the day, when all else fails, love will always prevails.’ He ended his sentence with a small cheeky smile making me burst out in laughter. 

‘Ah, you were so good until you dropped that cheesy quote on me.’ I replied as he laughed with me. We sat in silence once again listening to the soft chatter that occupied the room. I didn’t think this man sitting next to me realized just how much he had changed my life, and unknowingly he somehow made me want to live again. And to think I only met him today. I opened my mouth to thank him but I was interrupted by a voice booming through the intercom. 

‘Mr. King. Your results are ready. Could you please follow Nurse Haley.’ 

‘Ah, that’s me. I guess I’ll see you later, sweetie.’ He got up to fix his clothes to leave while I stuttered to find the right words to say before he left and somehow the tears that I thought were empty rushed back into my eyes.

‘Mr.King- I-’ I choked and glanced down at my fingers trying to keep my tears at bay, ‘I- just- um-um... Thank you.’ I choked out after a deep breath. I smiled gratefully through my tears as I looked up and nodded at him with respect. Even though I couldn’t say more, I really hoped he understood how grateful I was. He smiled back and tilted my chin up. 

‘Don’t need to thank me, child. Just always keep your chin up for me, will ya?’ 

‘Yes sir! Tell me how to results go.’ I replied with a huge smile as I wiped a small tear away.

‘Yes ma’am, I will. Shine on, girly!’ He happily cheered as he followed, who I presume Nurse Haley was, into another room. After few more minutes of being alone with my thoughts, my name was called out too and I entered the Dr. Tamara’s room for the results I had been waiting for the past few torturous days by making the hospital’s waiting room as my new bedroom. 

‘Aaliyah? Where is your mother?’ 

‘She’s at the church, praying. She couldn’t bare to be here.’ I winced as I looked down at my fingers instinctively but quickly looked back up again remembering Mr. King’s words. 

‘Tell her to come over, her prayers have been answered. Your brother woke up and wants to see his family.’ She replied with a huge happy smile. I don’t know if it was her glassy eyes with unshed tears, or my mother’s face, or Mr.King’s words earlier, or even the fact that I had almost mentally prepared myself to say goodbye to my brother and now I didn’t have to, or maybe it was all of that but it came rushing down at me all at once. And I broke down crying, crying, and thanking the doctor, thanking God, if he even existed, and just crying until all my tears ran out. I felt Dr. Tamara pull me into a soft hug as she patted my back. 

‘It was worth the wait, right? You got your brother back.’ Just the simple thought of being able to talk to him again, even about the most irrelevant topic, or hear his laugh, made me so grateful and happy. I nodded as I cried even harder. And somehow my conversation with Mr.King entered my mind again. A lot of good things had happened today. I wiped my tears and looked at her, 

‘It really was worth the wait. Thank you Doctor.’ And thank you Mr.King. And thank you ma, for praying.

— The end—

‘Dear god, if you are there, can you even hear us cry?

Or is it your way of saving us, by letting us die?’

-Jyothsna Venkatesh