The Last Meeting

Gabe wasn’t surprised to find his mother standing in his apartment. Even though it had been almost four years since they last spoke, he had gotten a feeling that she would be waiting for him as he started up the stairs. He got feelings about things sometimes like knowing a package would be waiting at home while he was still at work or that the train would run late on his way to the station. Once he had a feeling the elevator would stall and sure enough the thing had gotten stuck between the second and third floor trapping his neighbor Mrs. Merkins for over two hours while the fire department freed her. He could never bring himself to trust the elevator again and so had taken the stairs everyday since. His feelings weren’t always right of course but over the years he had found that, more often than not, they could be trusted.

Even so he didn’t believe this one at first, things had been so bad with his mother he would have sooner expected the actual queen of England to be in his apartment before he’d expect her. Yet there she was as he opened the door. A queen of a different sort, the matriarchal monarch of his formative years standing in the middle of his living room looking as small and insecure as he’d ever seen.

She looked at him for a moment and didn’t speak right away but eventually she managed, “Hi Gabe,” in in a voice as diminutive as her stature.  A reflexive smile started to draw across her face but she quickly wiped it away.

He regarded her for only a moment before letting out a deep sigh as he turned away to hang his coat on the hook by the door.  He managed to maintain his composure but his hands were shaking. Just the small moment he looked at her had brought up a wave of emotion and he squeezed his eyes shut to drive back the welling tears.

“I’m sorry to just show up like this but I just,”

“What are you doing here mom,” he said in an even tone cutting off her explanation.

She was silent for a moment before she continued, “I just wanted to…”

“You shouldn’t be here,” Gabriel said quickly cutting her off again and turning back to face her. He tried to keep his expression even and stoic but he knew he was doing a poor job.

The short thin woman stood there for a moment processing his rebuke. She had looked away now trying to hide her own growing emotions. She was wringing her hands like she always did when she was nervous and he could see she was chewing the inside of her cheek with anxiety. Gabriel took the moment to regard the woman standing in front of him. She looked exactly as she had the last time he had seen her.

No, wait, that wasn’t true, the last time he’d seen her was in hospital bed a year before. It had been the first time he had seen her in person in seven years and the first time he’d spoken to her in nearly three though she didn’t speak back during his visit.

Her disease had taken a staggering toll by the time Gabriel had swallowed enough pride to make his visit. She was unconscious when he arrived and the nurses reported she was like that most hours of the day, most likely due to the large amount of Ativan to help with her comfort. It was difficult for him to reconcile that the withered body curled in the bed had been the same prideful, strong and regel woman who had brought him up. It was like a caricature of his mother, recognizable features here and there but none the spirit.

“She looks like fucked up Halloween decoration.” Gabriel had thought with immediate disgust at himself. Though part of him had been hoping to speak with her he was grateful she was unconscious.  it would have been torture for her if he saw her that way.

He had thought about leaving for a moment but decided to stay. He sat by her bedside taking her small boney hand gripping it gently. After a while in silence he began to talk; it had been slow at first but eventually he began to gain steam. There were three years of life to catch up on and many more years of bad blood to reconcile. He stayed for several hours her eyes never even fluttering. The nurses went about their business seeming to ignore him for the most part. Though he could feel their eyes on him. Their look wasn’t of contempt but something close and there was less pity than one would have expected. No doubt his mother had given them her side of their story when she had been conscious and without the benefit of conflicting information, they had drawn their own conclusions, at least that was his feeling. There was a time in his younger years when Gabriel would have taken his place upon a soapbox and set the record straight to these strangers with a burning fury of righteous anger. The backhanded compliments that made you feel like you were an inch tall, the passive aggressive comments on his devotion to her, disinterest in his accomplishments and worst of all the lack of belief.

But the truth was he had been no saint himself and as he held his mothers small hand he could feel all those slights and regrets wither away like the body before him. He finished what he needed to say and wiped his eyes before leaning over to plant a small kiss on her forehead. Not even then did she stir. He knew the nurses and staff might think it cowardly to try and clear the air while the poor woman could not receive it and to be honest, he had felt a little that way himself. But as he left, looking back at the unmoving figure he had a feeling that she had heard every word and was begging him for more.

As he thought back to those hours spent in the hospital room it seemed like distant dream as he looked at the woman in his apartment. She was dressed her best as she most often was, a well pressed white and black plaid skirt a black sweater on top. She had shawl the same design as her skirt over her shoulders. Her face was fuller but her features still sharp as always. Her skin was no longer pallor and seemed to glow. Her hair which had been sparse and unkempt in the bed was now full and pulled back into a braid several streaks of grey running through but these didn’t make her look old in fact they added an heir of further respectability to an already respectable woman.  The illness it seemed had left no permanent mark and Gabriel couldn’t help but feel a sense of relief seeing her the way he always remembered.

“Its good to see you looking better,” he said breaking the awkward silence that had been growing. As he said it he flashed a small smile so she knew he meant it. She returned it a bit of color rising in her cheeks.

“Yeah everyone at the hospital took great care of me,” she said looking over his shoulder into the distance no doubt remembering those hard times. “I hear you’ve been taking care of a lot people yourself Gabe.” She tried to smile at this but there was a bit of guilt behind her eyes. The statement prodded around the edge of the biggest wound in their relationship and Gabe could feel the small twinge of discomfort at its mention.

“I don’t know about that,” he said with a shrug, trying to downplay it and avoid old pain.

“That’s not what I hear”, she continued clearly as nervous as Gabriel was but not willing to let it go. “I hear you’re doing a lot of good, that you have a real gift.” She trailed off after this, despite her best effort pride was a hell of thing and it cut her off before she could say “I’m sorry.”

Gabriel could feel the apology though, and saw the deep regret etched into his mother’s face. She did not owe him one; long hours of self-reflection and self-loathing had finally showed him that. But to dance so close to the words after all the years of strife and not say them still touched something raw inside him.

“So, I have gift now huh? And all it took was a bunch of strangers to validate me in your eyes? Gee thanks mom.” He didn’t say these words though they had burned at the tip of his tongue. His smile gone he chose his next statement carefully. “You really need to go mom.”

He had spoken these with as even a tone as he could though a bit of anger still leached into them and he saw her recoil slightly at their bite.

“I made a lot of mistakes Gabe,” her voice was barely above a whisper and she looked down and away like a scolded child. “I thought about all those mistakes as I laid there in that bed. I thought about the empty chairs by the bed and the people who should have been there in those chairs.” She looked back to him small diamonds of tears at the corners of her eyes. “I don’t want to leave things broken Gabe, I don’t want to look at an empty chair and know you could be in it if it wasn’t for me.”

In an instant the small ember of anger he felt was snuffed out when he saw those tears. Gabriel moved from the place where he leaned next to the door and rushed across the room wrapping his arms around the smaller woman embracing her tightly. She did the same burying her head into his chest beginning to sob. Gabriel could feel the ache in his eyes as his own tears began to well.

“I should have been in that chair mom, I should have been there a lot sooner and a lot more. I’m so sorry.” Though his pride was as great as hers the words had become easy through practice. He’d said them many times to old photos of better times and to the marker above resting place.

She shook her head as he said it. “No I’m sorry,” she replied a hitch in her voice as the sobs continued. “But I’m better now and we have time fix things maybe make them better than they were.” She had pulled away a little and looked up at him the tears running down her face.

Gabriel shook his head gently as he looked down at her. The motion pained him, but he needed to do it, for her. This seemed to panic her and she started to plead. “No, no, I’m better now and there’s so much to talk about and we can do it now there’s still time.”

Gabriel again shook his head his own tears flowing now. “No mom, we can’t and there isn’t.” He gently laid a hand on her cheek. “There’s no more time for talking it’s gone.” There was sadness in his voice, but he tried to smile to comfort her. “And we can’t fix what’s broken because there’s nothing to fix, nothing is broken, not anymore.” He wiped away a tear with his thumb.

“I’m sorry I ruined your life.” She said and Gabriel pulled her close to him again.

“You didn’t ruin it not at all.” He said his own voice now the pleading one. “And you need to move on now not for me but for you. There is no more time right now but there will be someday I’m sure of it.”

He held her in their hug for a time longer and after a while her sobs began to subside, and her voice retuned mostly to normal, “So we can’t talk again?” she asked a tone of sad acceptance in her voice.

“No, not like this anyway. Someday yes, but not for a while.”

There was a small gap of silence before she spoke again. “Do you promise?” she asked a small bit of that pleading tone still in her voice.

“I do,” he answered confidently.

“Will you visit?” She asked almost shyly.

“Of course,” he said.

There was another moment of silence before his mother spoke her final words to him “Gabe, I love you.”

“I love you too mom, always have and always will.” As he spoke these last words he closed his eyes and when he opened them he was alone in his apartment tears flowing a smile on his face.

He stood there for a while lost in memories both good and bad all complimenting each other. Like the time his mother had nearly gotten into a fight with the father of a boy who’d been bullying him. Or when she’d sat out in her car all day on his first day of school in case, he needed picked up early. Then there was the first frantic therapy session about his imaginary friends and his “feelings”. There was through line to these memories and many more like them. It was a through line of love and concern. Sometimes that love and concern was misguided in how it was applied. The message was always there though and had been drilled deep into him, serving to help grow that part of him that his mother now called a gift. The part of him that drove a wedge between them when he failed to explain in his resentment, and she failed to understand. The part of him she feared for what it might do to him. The part that brought together in his apartment one last time.

He was brought from his memories by the feeling there would be a knock on his door. It wouldn’t be anyone he knew or was expecting. It would be someone looking for his help, a woman who’d heard about him from a friend and who just couldn’t bear to wait. She’d be holding a set of ballet shoes, but they wouldn’t be hers they’d be her sisters. No, not her sisters but someone who’d become like a sister through many tough years. He’d answer she’d look confused as she stared at the large man with five o’clock shadow and he’d take a moment to assure her she was at the right place. Then he’d show her in and help her if he could.

The knock came soft and unsure a minute later. Gabriel wiped his eyes and as he went to the door he caught site of himself in the hall mirror. Even though it was his reflection he found his mother staring back. He paused for a moment and realized in a way he would always see her there and that was something he was just fine with. A small smile came to his face as he opened the door.