Rachel Rose

There you are! I can't believe that I finally get to hold you! All these many many months I have felt you growing inside me. At first, you were just a tiny flutter, like a butterfly that had landed on my belly and floated inside of me to grow - YOU!

I remember us going to the doctors office so that we could get a sonogram and these would be the first of many pictures that we would take of you over the years to come.

You were not much more than a bump and I could still wear my regular jeans. I had to weave a rubber band around the button of my jeans and then through the button hole which I then covered with a long shirt - Don't tell! That will be our secret!

We watched as the nurse traced a magic wand through jelly on my belly and then we saw you there, all nestled and safe. And if you looked real close it looked like you were sucking your thumb! You are so tiny still but there is still plenty of time and room for you to grow.

Did we want to know if you were to be a boy or a girl - or would we rather be surprised, they asked us. Your Daddy said that he wanted a surprise but I wanted to know and since I have you inside of me I get the bigger vote - and then they tell us that you are a girl! Our little girl and Daddy and I already have your name - are you ready? Rachel Rose - that's who you are my daughter!

Do you hear me when I sing to you and add your name to the song? Do you hear Daddy's lovely voice as he reads you a story? Do you feel my hand laying across your form inside of my belly? Do you feel your Dad as he takes hold of your foot (we think its your foot!) as you trace it across my belly from the inside? Do you mean to make me pee my pants when you kick me in the bladder? No, that's an accident I am sure!

We get a big surprise when we get home from the doctors one day. All of our friends and family got together and gave us a baby shower! We were so surprised to see that someone put balloons on our mailbox and then when we got inside I thought I might pee myself I was so surprised! We had cake and played some funny games. Then your Daddy and I opened a lot of presents. Some of our friends and family knew that you were a girl so we got a lot of girl stuff, I love PINK! We also got some onesies that are purple, yellow, green and some that have bunny rabbits and kittens and puppies. You will love them all we are sure.

My favorite was a blanket that your Daddy's mother made. It is a baby size quilt that was made using pieces of your Dads clothes and mine too! They are so excited to become Grandma's! Our mothers got together to make this quilt and it will keep you warm through many winters as you grow up. Maybe you will wrap your own baby inside its warmth some day.

Just last week we painted your room a lovely shade of rose - not too dark. Your crib and dresser are a creamy shade of white, not too bright. And your Grandfather, my father, gave us a beautiful white birch rocking chair. Daddy arranged a lamp and a bookshelf right next to it so that he can rock his daughter while he reads her a story. We can't wait for you to see your beautiful room!

My belly gets bigger and you are getting bigger. I wonder if you taste the peanut butter and pickle ice cream that has become my favorite night time snack. Or the sweet butter that i spread on the awesome Blue berry pancakes that your Daddy makes? Of course I'll pour on extra syrup! I hope you love salads as much as I do and that the Blue Cheese dressing isn't too much. Okay, EXTRA Blue Cheese dressing!

Now we are in the sixth month and you haven't moved much the past few days. And I have a tummy ache so we are off to the doctors to make sure everything is okay.

Well, now I am in a room at the hospital, they just want to make sure that I am close to the doctors and nurses. They are not saying that anything is wrong - but they are not saying that everything is okay either. I hope that you don't feel how worried I am. You see, there was another baby before you, but something was wrong and after almost four months God took our little Angel. Angel could be a boy or a girls name so that is the name we chose.

But you have grown so big over these months and now a days a baby can be born sooner than nine months. It is amazing what the doctors and hospitals can do.

You woke me up tonight and it seems like you want to be born! An alarm was going off and I felt like I had wet the bed - but that was you! You are on the way!

WOW! I am glad that is over and here you are Rachel Rose! They had to cut my belly open to bring you out and they had to do it fast. Too fast for Daddy to get here in time to see you born.

Boy, it sure got quiet when you finally got here and I am just waiting for that first cry!

I don't understand at first when they want to take you away. You are so very tiny and you must be hungry. I ache to feed you Rachel Rose, but there will be plenty of time to do that.

Then they are placing you in the tiny clear crib and I try to see your tiny arms waving saying "Goodbye Mommy! - Don't cry, I'll see you soon Mommy!

The nurses are so quiet as they give me stitches and then they clean me up. Suddenly, there is the doctor and he takes my hands in his and he says that he is so very sorry. They did everything that they could do but nothing helped. He says again how very very sorry he is. Like this is his fault? What would be his fault?

This cannot be right, there must be some mistake. I felt you moving inside me, didn't I?

Rachel Rose, you were just in my tummy moving, weren't you? But no, there is no mistake and then here is Daddy. And Daddy is crying and then I am crying too.

And I will cry forever and ever.

~ RACHEL ROSE ~

June 2, 1984