Confusion

Dear diary,

I'm shaking a bit. I've just arrived home and things are kind of mushy inside my brain. I'd say my main emotion is excitement, but I'm definitely more than a bit scared and confused. I've washed my hands and entered my room, and since then I've managed to slump down next to my bed, in, what I'm gonna be honest is, more than a little bit of shock. Okay. What just happened. I was downstairs, at the entrance of my apartment building, and my best friend just asked me if I wanted to be his girlfriend. What we have is special, and I've never had it with anyone else before. Our conversation just flows, we just click. So yeah, I'd say I'm excited. I'm not 100% on what we're going to be doing differently from now on, since we've already cuddled and exchanged "I love you"s and anything more doesn't feel like something that I particularly want to do, but I said yes anyway. I mean, it's him, nothing could go wrong.

***

Dear diary,

So, things have changed. I couldn't pinpoint it at first, but now I feel like I know what's happening. My "boyfriend", and I don't want to call him my boyfriend, that feels weird, he keeps trying to kiss me. I just want to cuddle but every time I sit in his arms, inevitably he looks at me in this intense way and I'm going to be honest, I'm starting to feel a little creeped out and more than a little uncomfortable. I think that if he'd just done it the day he asked me to be his girlfriend, I would have been happy to do it, but now it's been weeks and everything is charged and I don't really want to be a part of this anymore. I still enjoy going out with him, though, which makes everything inside me a thousand times more confusing.

***

Dear diary,

He kissed me. Now I'm sure I want to break up. I mean, this isn’t what I've been hoping for, this isn't even what I've heard from my friends. They all seem to enjoy it, but to me it just felt like skin. Like nothing. I felt awkward and I kept trying to move my lips, but I just couldn't do it. I've looked it up on the internet obsessively these past few weeks, I've learned the motions, and I honestly can say I feel disgusted at the thought of doing anything like that with him. I know that if we meet he'll try to do it again, so now I'm avoiding him. And that's simply amazing, you know because he's my only friend and now I'm about to lose him because I can't go on like this anymore. He asked me to be his girlfriend in June. It's now August and I feel like the months just flew by, but not in a good way. I don't feel like I've been alive this summer.

***

Dear diary,

Our exam results came in. We both got into the school we wanted! But we wanted the same school so I don't know what to do. He says he wants to study natural sciences. I do too. There's only one class in this school that teaches natural sciences. We both get quiet.

***

Dear diary,

We're going to be in the same class together, meaning we'll be spending another four years cooped up in the same room, breathing the same air. I don't want to be with him in high school. I honestly feel embarrassed I have to go into the school year and introduce him as my boyfriend. We haven't kissed since that day, and we keep hanging out, but I feel like I want to crawl out of my skin every time we do, because I know I've disappointed both myself and him. I'm trying to convince myself to break up with him before school starts but I can't stand the thought of going out with him. He keeps sending me messages, I either ignore him asking me out or find excuses. I tried telling him I need space, but he didn't seem to understand that, so now I'm just baking with my mom everyday I guess.

***

Dear diary,

Today we've gone out with our future classmates. I knew some people there and made conversation. It was actually fun. I shared a can of Strongbow with one of the girls and I felt positively giddy. I almost thought it might be fun. But then my dear boyfriend decided me, he and two of his friends should go to a movie together and walk to the cinema. I said yes, excited because I hadn't actually spoken with these people, even though they'd been my classmates for four years now. We ended up exchanging hellos and walking to the cinema in silence. It was so awkward I could have died right there. None of them made conversation with me, just occasionally speaking with each other. I felt betrayed. He was supposed to be my best friend, but suddenly when his other friends are around he doesn't say a word to me. I don't feel well.

***

Dear diary,

School started, and I broke up with him. It wasn't fun to explain to people I'd just met that we broke up, everyone insisting that we were cute together and that we are "meant to be". I'm so tired of this already. So tired.

***

Dear diary,

I've never been this angry. And I can't show it, because it's not reasonable. It's been three months since the year started and I've made some amazing friends. I think I might keep them for life. For once, I think I can say I fit in. My days are fuller and happier, and honestly? I've never felt like this before. I've never had friends this good, this funny, this many. So why am I angry?

One of the girls I get along with fairly well, but one which my now ex-boyfriend has really hit it off with, has decided to help him surprise me. It's Christmas eve and he decided that his present for me this year would be an expensive lipstick, which I know she helped him pick out, and an equally expensive lip liner, and oh, he also wants to get back together. I don't even know how to feel. Cheap? I sure do. Angry, betrayed? A bit of both. I'm happy for the lipstick, though. But I said no. You should've heard my laugh there, it was so forced I could feel my chest hurt.

Before this, I thought we could go back to what we had before the "relationship". In fact, we were getting there, so it's probably why I feel so betrayed. I thought we were on the same page, and now that it turns out that we're not, I feel like something just broke. Even now, minutes after it happened, I feel like this day is the end of something. I am pretty sure it's never going to be the same.

***

Dear diary,

It's been a year, hasn't it? I lost some friends, I gained some better ones, I've been to the greatest party of my life, with alcohol in abundance, good food, friends, and some of my first cigarettes. Certainly the best ones. It was my first time hanging out at a big party where I didn't know everyone, but I spoke with them all and I feel like they all like me! (they told me they do, but that doesn't mean much in high school, does it?)

My ex, which I'm now fairly friendly with, (because I have to, he's in my friend group and group chat and everything) has found some girl and probably horrified her too with his atrocious kissing skills. I know I'm bitter, but he didn't make it easier. He's been an on and off asshole since my refusal to be with him, so I don't feel too guilty.

I don't plan on being a smoker. I did it at the party because it was technically one of my firsts, and I was high off the alcohol rush and a boy I kinda like gave me a cigarette and taught me how to breathe in the smoke. I smoked three fairly expensive cigarettes and I tried to look natural while at it. I think (hope) I impressed him. We probably won't speak after this but it was fun.

***

Dear diary,

I keep looking at boys and think to myself "I wouldn't mind being intimate with this person, but if they try to kiss me I will punch them in the face." I even think this about the hottest celebrities, some of whom I know  I'm attracted to. By now I know I like girls, but I haven't kissed one so I can't say for sure if it would be different. I'm kind of afraid of women, though. I want to get married and have kids and you just can't do that with a woman. I hope I can get to the bottom of this because I'm tired of questioning my feelings every single day. I'll just wait until the day comes that I kiss a girl.

***

Dear diary,

I'm talking to this girl I had a crush on a while back. I didn't know it back then, but now I know I did. She seems to like me, and we hit it off in an amazing way. She keeps the conversation going just like he did, she makes me laugh and is beautiful in so many ways. She annoys me sometimes, but I think I can have with her what I had with my last best friend, with him, and maybe this time "more" won't be such a daunting concept.

***

Dear diary,

She kissed me. I'm happy, and it definitely doesn't feel the same. The sparks were there, and I loved every second.

Dear diary,

I'm a lesbian.

***

Dear diary,

We've been friends for four years, two before, and two after. He loved me, but not the way I wanted. She did what he couldn't. I want to apologize to him for not being able to give him what he thought we both wanted, and I want to say fuck you fate for taking away one of my best friends in the world with some sexual attraction type bullshit. But I'm happy now, even if I discovered something new about myself in the process. It was something I probably deep down always knew, but it was still a big moment. I will always have love for him in my heart, and he's still the person I go to when shit goes down because he knows me too well. But it can never be the same because every word I send to him feels like giving him false hope. I don't know if he's moved on or ever will, but I hope he does. Dear diary, I hope we all end up happy.