Broken bread

The meal was ruined before it even started. What should’ve been a simple family dinner turned into an estrangement. And it’s all my fault. 

  Cinnamon, garlic, Cayenne and everything nice. With these ingredients you get a dish that’s savory, spicy, piquant just add rice. Something that could bring a whole family together. And it did, until it was my fault. 

  It was all over pride. My pride, their pride, our family pride. I gave my life to the family day after day, week after week. For five years rather I was faltering or standing strong. Rather my heart was broken or I wasn’t feeling any emotions. And that’s my fault. 

  I couldn’t take it anymore so I walked out at “how you feel is on you”. And that’s my fault. I stood up for myself and my brothers and pointed out how they were wrong. And that’s my fault. 

  I yelled into the speckled Black Sea, right in the face of the moon that seemed to say all the things they said. 

“Yeah you’re right about that but the way you feel is on you”. 

  “Thanks for telling me what I already knew” the words came to me again on a fresh wave of pain. My phone buzzed and it was from them. 

Come back here so we can talk. I’m sorry you’re hurting, that wasn’t what I want from our conversation.

  “And that’s the problem,” I whispered to my pale faced adversary “I went for what YOU wanted out of that conversation. When I spoke up YOU felt attacked and YOU couldn’t handle it so we went down the same path we always did”. 

  My voice crack and strained from switching between whispering and yelling. “YOU asked ME YOUR questions based off of YOUR assumptions and when YOU don’t like MY answers, MY answers are automatically dumb and wrong bc YOU can’t just listen. YOU hear just enough to form YOUR opinion so you can snap into action to defend yourselves”.

 “We feel like we owe you bc we’re grown.  My brothers and me understand what you’ve been through and appreciate the commitment you’ve shown us. Instead of just feeling touched and loved that the three of us would go to the lengths of being absolutely fucking miserable for you, you get that look on your face and act like it’s insane”. 

  “We can’t make anything better if you won’t talk about it”. 

  The moon's soft embrace made the drowning in my chest worse. “I can’t talk about my pain because I don’t want to hurt YOUR feelings or ruin SOMEONE ELSES night. If you weren’t hurting Anne and she wasn’t worried about YOUR feelings I would’ve just kept quiet. About my fears. About my feelings over you being short with me. I could keep pretending like everything was ok. It’s not like I haven’t done that for a long time. “

  “This is the first time you had me over since I asked for time off for my mental health. It’s been a month and I haven’t said anything until now so the peace could be kept. Or until you finally decided to tell me how I was the problem. But it’s my fault. 

  “I’m sorry I’ve been short with you but every time I see you texted me I have a panic attack because my anxiety is so horrible right now. After what Anne had the nerve to say about us as parents and the business I just can’t handle anything else bad”.

 “I’m sorry I’m so stressful to talk to. Jesus, if I knew that I was causing panic attacks every time I texted you, to try and show YOU that I love and care about YOU, I would’ve stopped trying to reach out. I would’ve just kept walking feeling like a problem. Like I always do. I’m sorry I couldn’t keep pushing the strength of my mental health. I’m sorry I broke down but in MY defense I was trying my best to push off the break down ever since I found out you two were going on vacation. The week before you went on a goddamn vacation. But I forgot it didn’t happen like that, I’m just making shit up again. Of course you told us about the vacation. It’s my fault”. 

 My voice cracked. The moon watched as I blinked away what tears weren’t streaming down my cheeks. “I’ve tried my best to be a good son and be a good normal boy. I grew from being that hurt angry kid who just attacked everything instead of self reflecting. I started “using my brain” to think about a situation. I honestly try to be a better person than I was the day before. Instead of admitting weakness I used anger to be able to move. And that got me to the point where I could work on myself, by myself. And now I’m to the point where I can accept help. I don’t let you in because it hurts your feelings to know I’m not ok and then it becomes about you two”. 

  “Well I don’t appreciate what Anne had to say, she’s only going off what you told her. It’s not fair for her to say anything when she’s only heard your side of the story”.

  “You don’t get to talk about people making judgements going off of “little” information when you refuse to tell us the bare minimum all the time. If you even feel like it. You guys are horrible at filling us in on your plans that affect us. One of you should’ve kept me in the loop with the driving test let alone the vacation. I’m the one who taught Jacob how to drive. I’m the one held his feet to the fire and gave him the opportunity to drive as much as possible. And you remember asking me if I were free on Tuesday. Dad wanted to know so he could use my car. And he was gonna Until he wasn’t. And I got told at the last possible moment because it wasn’t important to tell ME”. 

  “Fuck Im an owner of the company according to that piece of paper you had me sogn and I don’t know anything about the bank, the schedule, the office, or why we do things the way we do them. And that’s ok to you because you don’t want me involved in any of that”. 

  “You want a mindless drone just doing what it’s told and not asking questions. I don’t work like that and neither do the boys. We hate walking into shit blind but that doesn’t matter to you, we need to just be grateful for what we get. And we should love it. If you wanted me to be a part of it you would’ve shown me the respect you would show to a business partner instead of a dumb kid”. 

 The darkness seemed to eased a shade. 

  “And Anne isn’t part of any of these thoughts. I’m sentient enough to form my own fucking thoughts so you can stop thinking I’m only this worked up bc of her. She just wants me to be happy and couldn’t understand why I have so much trouble talking to you. But keep being shitty to her if it’s gonna protect your mental health. That’s fine. I give you guys a lot of fucking mercy bc I know who and what I am and I refuse to accept I might not be wrong about something so I try my best to not fly off the handle but I’m so sick of feeling like a bad person just bc I don’t want to step on anyone’s toes”. 

 My voice was horse by now but I couldn’t stop. “I get it, pops ran the business into the ground. I accepted that 5 years ago when I joined and saw the absolute hell hole I walked into. But I accepted it and buckled down and tried with everything I am to be what dad needed me to be. When he did stupid stuff i bit my tongue. When pops and dad talked about doing stuff for the business but didn’t do it because of some reason they refused to tell me, I bit my tongue and got over it”. 

 A cloud snuck it’s way across the moon. “When dad made me feel like a jackass for trying to show interest I got over it and accepted I might just be a dumb kid bc hey ho I don’t have all the answers. When you make me feel selfish for wanting to quit and make a name for myself bc the one my dad, who is my hero, my foolish but we’ll meaning uncle and my old demented grandfather is gonna give me hurts my soul. I made myself push it down and questioned myself until I accepted I'm the problem”. 

  “When you made me feel ungrateful bc I wanted to be paid like I was worth something I questioned and fought with myself until I accepted I was wrong and just being a greedy little prick. I pray and pray and pray that the business doesn’t go up in smoke but I’m honestly shocked that it was competent enough to even get a bank account”. 

  “Don’t worry I never thought it’d be Fortune 500 but I just had hope we could at least look more professional than Bubba. Sure he works out of his kitchen too but at least he could get his name on a truck. I’ve given up on you bc I accepted that either dad and pops are afraid of change (which they are) or there’s something we’re working against that you don’t think I’m worth telling”.   “But it needs to change faster because John has way more options than I do and won’t put up with this nearly as long as I did. And Jacob hates it just as much as I do but he’s more loving and loyal than I am so you better never mistreat him”. 

  “And when both of you put me down over the one thing I have in this world that I love purely, I talk myself into the mentality that you’re right. I should learn to love the misery and give up on what makes me happy”. 

 I found myself talking to a pitch black sky. When did it get so cloudy? “When dad called me a mouth breather because I needed inserts for my boots and didn’t want to wait. To wait on people who move at their own speed, when they’re good and ready to do something, I cried in my car and accepted it and made due”. 

   “I love you both. With all my heart I am very thankful to have you and grateful for the things you’ve given me but bringing that up makes me feel like you’re trying to buy my obedience. I’m not the god damn problem and refuse to keep telling myself I am. I’m not”. 

  “Almost everything I did for years was for you. Even now when I’m to the point that I hate myself all I can think to do is pretend like I’m just an angry asshole to keep everyone else a little better off. To keep the peace”.

  “And yes I had suicidal thoughts. I daydream about it. I picture it so fucking vividly I can feel it and it scares me. I never told you bc I know what you two would say and I didn’t want to put you through this pain. Bc I’m so selfish. And that’s my fault”.

  “And yes I talk to Anne about my life. I’m sorry I value the thoughts and opinions of the person I’m gonna marry. And you know what, I'm sorry. I’m sorry I ever told her about my little fantasy. Because it did what I knew it would, it hurt her and she worried about it enough to tell you about it. I should’ve never told her. I should’ve known by now that my problems and my pain only hurt everyone else. But yes I have suicidal thoughts. And that’s not my fault”. 

  “And if anyone says I’m being weak because I can’t look you two in the face when I try to open up, they can go sit on a screwdriver. I faced down drunks, thugs and angry husbands every weekend in a rinky dink comedy club. Where I never had any backup. Every weekend and every show. I just can’t face down the two people I should be able to talk to. But I can't. And I don’t know why but I know it's not my fault”.