The Man from Avon

          The Man from Avon

Suzanne Marsh

“I QUIT!”

“YOU CAN’T QUIT YOU ARE FIRED DO YOU HEAR ME FIRED!”

“YOU CAN’T FIRE ME I QUIT!”

“GOOD, QUIT THEN I DON’T HAVE TO PAY FOR YOUR UNEMPLOYMENT.”

That was just plain mean spirited, and I had no idea what I was going to do. I was eighteen back in 1968. I needed to find another job somewhere. I was going to college on a partial scholarship that only paid tuition; if I wanted to eat, I had better find a job quickly. I had been working at Sugar Shack until I quit or was fired, I have never been sure. I just knew I would not be getting unemployment; that meant I was going to have to pound the pavement looking for a job. I began by checking the job listed in the newspaper. I really did not qualify for any of them. Then I saw an ad:

“Would you like to make five hundred dollars a month? I can help you do that.

Call 555-556-2313 and ask for Margie.”

How could I go wrong back in 1968 that was a lot of money. I circled the add and ran to the pay phone on the dorm wall. There was one girl ahead of me; she must have been on the phone for almost an hour! I quickly grabbed the phone out of her hand and called the number. I asked for Margie:

“Hello, this is Margie.”

“Hello, my name is Bernie Franklin.”

“Ah, Mr. Franklin, this is Avon and I seriously doubt you would know anything about our

industry.”

“I’m a fast learner and I need this job.”

“I’m sorry Bernie, but Avon does not hire men.”

I hung up; but was undeterred. I called back ten minutes later:

“Hello, this Margie.”

“Hello, my name is Bonnie Macklin.” I said in my best wispy voice.

“Miss Macklin, would you like to work for Avon? I am accepting applications today at three.

The address is 3710 Main Street.”

“Thank you Margie I will be there.”

That gave me four hours to become an Avon Lady. I knew there was a used clothes emporium around the corner. That was my first stop. I needed a skirt and blouse, bra, boobs and makeup. My hair was already cut in a shag style so that was no problem. I also would need to pluck my black bushy eyebrows.

I walked into the emporium and there stood the cutest little blond woman I had ever seen:

“Hi, I am looking for a skirt and blouse and bra for my mom. Mom doesn’t get out much

so, I get those things for her.”

The blond giggled but showed me to the skirts. I saw a lovely, pleated plaid skirt then I saw the perfect white long sleeve blouse with high lace collar. Those would work beautifully. She showed me the bras. I selected a white bra size 36, then I looked at the size in the front and swallowed hard. How was I ever going to fill those up? I would worry about that when I got back to the dorm. I stopped at the store and bought two lemons, two cantaloupes, and two apples, thinking that one of the sets would work well for boobs. I mean I was desperate. I needed stockings and heels I had to return to the emporium. Crap, I thought I need a garter belt to hold up the stockings. The cute blond was still there. I explained that I had forgotten the stockings, and heels. She directed me to both items. I quickly paid for them and headed back to the dorm.

I locked myself in the bathroom and prayed my roommate would not return until later. I could never explain what I was doing. I looked in the bathroom mirror and a nondescript male face stared back. This was not going to be easy. I had three hours to become a lady. I had a beard that I hated to part with. I had been growing it for almost a year. I couldn’t go to an interview looking like the bearded lady. I shaved the beard off with tears in my eyes. I finished shaving and discovered I had a five o’clock shadow. I grabbed the facial powder I bought. I plastered it on my face and over my five o’clock shadow. Then I grabbed the bra; I had never put one on. First, I tried to hook it from the back...I swear women must be acrobats to get that thing on. I wrestled with it for ten minutes; I got a bright idea; I turned it around and hooked it. Now I needed boobs, first I tried the cantaloupes, they were way to big. Next, I tried the lemons, they were too small. The apples gave me to round a set. Finally, I remember when my sister got her first training bra; she stuffed Kleenex into the bra to make it look like she had something. The Kleenex worked for me; I was nicely rounded.

Next, I plucked my eyebrows and arched them. Once again tears ran down my cheeks, that hurt pulling the hairs out one at a time. There had to be an easier way. I just had no idea how. I put the white high neck blouse on next. Hey, the top part looked very feminine. The skirt fit very well. I sat down on the toilet and began to put the stockings on. To this day I wonder how my mom and sister kept their seams straight.

The next part of my “transformation into womanhood” was comical if nothing else. I styled my hair. It was already layered and feathered. That was not a problem. My big problem was makeup. I began with eye liner. I must have jabbed my eyes several times before I managed to get it right. Then came the mascara. I poked my right eye and it began to water. I now looked like Rocky Raccoon.

I checked my watch. I had to leave now, or I would miss the interview. I quickly put on the heels and promptly fell down. These heels were like walking on stilts. I knew I had better it right before I got to the interview. The bus was approaching as I ran to catch it. A rider noticed I did not have a seat and gave me his. Hey, being a woman was not that bad.

The bus dropped me a block from where the interview was. Running in heels is not for the weak or timid. However I did run praying I would not fall again. I walked in looking rather disheveled. Margie, looked up:

“You must be Miss Macklin, I am Margie Thomas, the Avon Representative in this area.”

“Pleased to meet you, Margie.”

“Please fill out this application then we can talk.”

She looked the application over.

“Very good, now what hours are you willing to work?”

“I can work most any hours I would like to do forty hours if possible.”

“That is possible. You are hired.”

I sighed a sigh of relief. Now my adventures would really begin.