Finally Away From Home

Life can be a beautiful and ugly thing, that was the case for me.

I've finally saved up enough money to live downtown in condo. It has an indoor gym, pool, and it's in the center of downtown. I felt free for the very first time. I could eat, sleep, laugh, and love whenever and whoever I wanted! This was a dream come true.

Back at home, it was worst than a nightmare.

*Backstory*

I was conceived out of hatred. I never had gotten to know who my father is, except that he was my moms long time boyfriend and he worked at a coal mine. My mom is pretty sure he is dead, but we don't know for sure. Today I live with her, but it is no fairytales and roses. Life is pretty calm, at least for now. I feel like I maybe hit a turning point in my life, maybe the abuse has stopped, I have no tears left to cry. Ever since I was born, I was dropped on my head in the realm of life. School was hard for me up until I started high school. Between being molested by my teacher, death, and bullying, school was hard, but I made it. I remember having to sit by myself 8th grade year, that year I really needed some friends in my corner. My uncle had just gone off to prison, I lost my cousin, and my entire family had written me off. I felt abandoned by the entire world. There were many times I had considered suicide. My mom was no help either, she had been a raging alcoholic since I was born, but its not her fault. I felt so powerless. Everything in my life was spinning out of control, I lost my friends, my family, my confidence, my smile. Everyday I would wake up hoping it would be the last time. I felt as a burden to society and to everyone. No one wanted me, I felt ugly, I was better off dead. I miss my cousin dearly, its been two years now. Even though it’s been two years, I’m still miserable. I may go to the best school around, have a great job, a nice car, and made new friends, but my heart is still broken, and my mind feels messy. I need therapy, my confidence is shot to the ground. When someone tells you that they hate you, your ugly, no one loves you, over and over, it plays in your head on repeat at random times. I could be in the middle of having fun with friends and a movie plays in my head, when I was verbally abused by a trusted adult. My mood changes, people around me can notice, I have gotten better at putting on a front sometimes, but I feel so powerless. No one knows what has happened to me, no one knows my story. Legally and mentally its hard for me to share my story. In order to create a better life for myself I must move on, but my mind is so messy. I feel as if I’m being held back by traumatic memories, the scars are not battle wounds, but permanent cracks in my heart. I recently started the dating field, but its hard. When the males you are introduced to in the beginning of your life make you believe you are a piece of crap, you tend to have trusting issues and confidence issues in dating. I have always believed I was ugly to everyone.

Growing up I was mistreated by the males in my family. I didn't have a dad growing up, so I relied on my uncles and cousins to have male interaction. All I got in return was being ignored, made fun of, and always put as runner up. I was never important in my family. anytime my mom brought a new boyfriend around, he was more important than me. I try and understand how she feels, but I feel as if I'm the biggest victim of the equation. I try not to play victim because it feels like a crutch, plus my family would get angry if I cried or show any emotion. a lot of what they had done to me made me awkward when talking to people, especially males. I even have trouble dating. I always question if they really love me or like, I question my appearance a lot. I usually end up with assholes a lot of the times. I let them verbally abuse me because growing up that's what my family used to do to me. its all I know and I cut them slack because I stepped out of line or such. I remember sitting in my sink for hours looking in the mirror at myself and questioning my existence. I would sit there and cry and think about how every other girl was better than me in any possible way. I remember becoming so insecure to the point of taking my own life. I was at the age of 14 when this happened. I was also a celebrity in my town. everywhere I went they knew who my family was for the wrong reasons. We were known as big wigs in the drug business. I hated it, I've always felt ashamed for who I was. I hated the way I looked, I always felt as a burden, no one liked me, and every one was better than me.

I always felt so lonely in this city. There was no one I could trust or talk to about anything without secrets being let out about me. Eventually I started picking up hobbies and working out and keeping my grades up and working on my fashion line. Things began to get easier. I eventually started working and I met some decent people. One guy got my attention, his name was Jeremy. He was pretty cute and was a gentleman, but he was 22. I was 16, that would just look wrong. Even though we work together, he doesn't even know I exist and that really sucks. There was another guy who lived around my neighborhood. He was tall and had blue eyes, he was extremely gorgeous, but he did drugs and alcohol. let this also be known, he didn't find me attractive and I was 16 and he was 18, still wrong. Looking around, everyone had somebody that loved them . I wanted to know what that felt like so badly.

*Back into present time*

I finally met someone, his name is Eli and he is completely different from anyone else I have met. He is a great guy and comes from a happy home, he is super smart, works at the roller dome, super sarcastic and funny, and loves movies! we just started talking, but we've known each other for three years now. I think he likes me too, we are always texting and face timing each other. I have made new friends living in this new city, found an amazing job, and adopted a puppy to keep me company in my new place. I guess there are happy endings?