Who would've thought?

 "Love is the feeling where the world freezes the moment you see that one person. Everyone is in the room, but somehow, you can only see them". That's the definition of love, at least to me. In some cases, love is a beautiful feeling, it can make you the happiest person ever. In other cases, love is blinding, and very confusing. You don't understand what's going on, you just know you want to be here in this moment with that one person ( It's okay if their name pops up in your head out of nowhere while reading this, it's normal). You feel it all over your body. You can feel it rushing through your veins, like a junkie when drugging themselves. You can feel it in your stomach, those "butterflies" you get when you see them ( they never go away, trust me). You can even feel it in the way you speak. You've never had speaking problems, but all of a sudden you stutter? You're so jittery, you can't find the right words to say. You're a crackhead. Yeah, that's the right way to put it. That's the thing about love, all those nerves go away eventually, because you get comfortable, sometimes too comfortable. You're so comfortable with this feeling, you lose sight of the things around you, and sometimes get lost in the idea of it all too. There are songs that you hear, that remind you of them and make you happy, smells that make you remember certain memories with them. The list goes on and on! Love feels great..until it doesn't. At the end of it all, you'd sit and think "who would've thought it would've ended like this"?

 I fell in love once, with a person, and also the idea of them. This man came into my life when I least expected it. Love always finds you when you aren't looking. The year is 2018. It was a hot summer in June. My friends had wanted to go to the pool and knew a couple of people who could take us there. I insisted that I didn't want to go out, multiple times, I do enjoy the comfort of my own home and will choose to stay home on any given day. But, my friend didn't budge, she kept telling me how she showed a picture of me to a man who was going, and even still, I had no desire to go. Ten minutes later, I get a call from a random number. It was Him. He says "Hey, your best friend gave me your number, because for some reason you don't want to come, but she gave me your address. I'll pick you up in thirty minutes, save my number too since I'll be calling you more often ". I was in shock because let's be real, shit like this only happens in movies. I kept asking myself while getting ready "Is this happening? Maybe he isn't coming". Jokes on me, exactly thirty minutes later, I can hear a loud car coming into my block, you can hear the engine roaring the moment it turns the corner to enter the street, and bass so loud it made your heart jump to every beat. I look out my window to see that he double-parks right in front of my building. I then get a call from him saying " Hey beautiful, it's me again. I'm downstairs and maybe I can't make you come downstairs but I bought food since I know it's going to be a long drive and we'll most likely get hungry". Did this man just say FOOD? This man brought FOOD? All I could do was laugh. "You had me at food, I'm on my way down". I answered. I grabbed my bag and keys, kissed my grandma on the forehead and said: "Mami I'm going to the pool, don't cook dinner, I'll be home later than usual." I ran downstairs from my fourth-floor walkup, almost tripping down the stairs from the excitement for food, not the man. As I walked outside, there he was, leaning on the hood of his beautifully polished car. He was a tall man, I'm 5'1 so anybody and everybody is taller than me, but this man was at least an entire foot taller than me. He turned to my direction and smiled. Lord, were his teeth so white, the damn sun glistened on those bad boys. As I approach him to greet him he says "you're even more beautiful in person" I WANTED TO CRY. THIS MAN IS COMPLIMENTING ME AND GIVING ME FOOD. WHAT'S THE CATCH? IS THIS EVEN REAL? Now to some of you reading this, you're probably like "Girl, he's just being nice". When you grow up around men consistently catcalling you, and telling you they want to do disgusting things to you, you kind of don't want much to do with the men around you. But this was different, he wasn't catcalling me, or sexually abusing me with his words. He grabs my bag and opens the car door for me. As I sit down, I can smell the food from the back seat. It was chicken, how on earth does this man know I love chicken? Did my best friend tell him? He puts my bag in the trunk and proceeds to open his side of the door. "I didn't know what exactly you'd prefer to eat so I got you chicken nuggets and a burger". This man knew what I like to eat??? AM I DREAMING?? He was perfect, everything I've ever wanted in a person, at least at first. There he was, as a Knight in shining armor. It was like I already knew him before as if we had met in a past life. We connected on so many levels, we spoke about anything and everything. It was like we were meant to meet. It felt amazing, and even though I was nervous at first, the nerves simply faded away, and we became comfortable with each other. Date nights consisted of what we were in the mood for, We'd play a game every time to decide where we wanted to go. If it was food, we'd say genres of food back and forth until the other person would say "ding" three times, but we eventually continuously went to eat at one place that had good lunch specials if you were on a budget. It was the same for movies and other venues. No matter how busy our schedules were, we still found ways to see each other, even if it was for ten minutes, or to even just pop by his job and have lunch with him. He and I were inseparable, so inseparable our friends became jealous of the fact that we were always together. He was like my best friend. I could tell him things I didn't tell others because I confided in him, and he confided in me. He didn't judge me, he accepted me for who I was and vice versa. It was like the universe put us to be together, and no matter what happened we always found each other. This lasted for about almost a year.

  Things then things started to shift, and it was a shift that affected us in many ways. I had a brand new job, and so did he. My job was closer to me, his job was farther for not just him, but for us. His job was so far from home he'd have to wake up so early in the morning just so he wouldn't get caught in traffic. His job required long hours, sometimes even overnight shifts. Sometimes I wouldn't hear from him for a whole day. But I wasn't mad, at least not yet. I didn't get angry, because my job was long and gruesome. Sometimes I would get home so tired, he wouldn't hear from me until the next day. We were so busy, we began to drift. Every time we came up with dates, we'd have to cancel because of having to go to work so early the next morning, and we were so tired the day of. We no longer had time, like we used to. With a lack of communication, comes greater space for imagination. We began to argue more and it became unhealthy. He would assume I wanted nothing to do with him anymore, and I would assume another woman in the workplace was involved. In my head, all I could think was " Who would've thought we'd be in this position right now"? Was this going to pass? Or was it going to break us? We fought and fought for two months until one day I had enough. I was so angry with him I told him that loving him hurts me. Could you imagine telling someone you love them so much it hurts you? Holding on for so long, to everything that became nothing in the blink of an eye. Too many broken promises were made, too many times when I felt like I was going crazy, and it could've possibly been my insecurity messing with me, but nothing was going right anymore, and having the idea that things would change and go back to normal was an idea that would never come to life. He became inconsistent, he began to care less. The relationship became draining, and holding on to something that wasn't there anymore was pointless. I was giving CPR to a dead situation. We weren't going to come back from what happened, not now, not ever. At least I thought. We both knew at that moment, that we were no longer who we used to be when we first met. We've changed throughout time, and we got too comfortable. I never thought I'd see the day where I'd have to leave this man or where we'd ever get to the position where I'd feel hurt by loving him. But sometimes you have to realize that if the love is mutual, the chase never ends. You'll go to the ends of the earth for this person, and that's how it was until it wasn't. You learn that you shouldn't settle because love shouldn't hurt you, or make you feel insecure.

 This isn't the story of how I should've never loved him, because when I wasn't loving the idea I created of him, I was genuinely loving who he was as the person he presented himself to me as. This is the story of how I should've let go the moment things weren't working out, because, at the end of it all, we just became different people, with different emotions. I should've never loved the idea of him I created in my head when things got rocky. That's what messes you up. Love does this thing where you'll create an image of that person in your likeness. You begin to expect more than you should and it becomes an illusion, it's not real. It's all in your head. This usually happens when it's all so good and then it randomly just gets bad out of nowhere. The person you are with is not responsible for the person you created in your head, that's not who they are. Some may ask, "why create someone in your head who isn't real"? When things start getting difficult, you can only hope for the best, you create scenarios where things are better, and it's what causes a person to stay in toxic relationships longer than they should. You don't see it until you do. You ignore red flags and when it's all said and done you just think "Who would've thought"? Not me, that's for sure. You learn from experiences like this. Sometimes the universe sends you exactly what you want in the form of a lesson to show you that it is not what you NEED. Something better always comes around when you least expect it. That's how the universe works. The year is now 2020, and some may ask me now "Do you still love him? Do you guys speak anymore?" Of course, I still love him, I'm just not in love with him. After a couple of months of realizing that we both needed fixing, we came back to each other in the most serendipitous way possible. At our favorite lunch special, budget-friendly restaurant. We were both on break getting lunch, and we ended up sitting down together and caught up on all the things we missed out in the past months. We came back not as lovers, but as friends. Great friends too, we caught up on everything that was anything and kept up with each other now and then. I'll hear certain songs and it'll remind me of him, or smell certain things that'll bring me back to a certain memory, Some people aren't meant to be in your life intimately, sometimes they're better off in a platonic matter. The universe has a way of making things right for you, it always does. Don't ignore those red flags, they usually come back to bite you in the end, and remember, some people come into your life in the forms of lessons or blessings. This man was my blessing, but he was also a lesson in disguise. From this relationship, I learned to love myself more. I learned that the moment you feel to create an idea in your head and bring it into the real world, make sure it makes sense. You can have any idea you want, but you should never mask a person with the idea you have of them, it'll only make matters worse for yourself. Love always finds you, and when it's real, you'll never have to create an image in your head of something they're not, because the image you've created in your head once, is the person the universe will send into your life when you least expect it. At the end of it all, you'll think "Who would've thought I'd find the actual love of my life"? Not you, and definitely, not me.