Being the Beaver

“I didn’t expect to see you here today,” Jane said with an air of concern.

Tim shuffled inside and replied, “Well, I hoped you’d have some extra time for me. I know we usually do Thursdays, but…”

“It’s fine Tim, I’m free. Let me just put the kettle on.”

“Thanks, but I can’t stay that long, really…” he said, looking down at his feet, and then out the window, staring at a squirrel rampaging down the tree outside. “I’m just feeling so out of place today.”

“Some days are like that, for everyone,” she said, as she settled into her large brown armchair, and motioned for him to take a seat.

“It’s just that, I don’t know how to continue on, as if nothing has happened, as if everything is normal.  I feel like people expect me to be calm and rational about all of this, but inside I feel like the world has ended.  I want to scream at them… say ‘what about this is NORMAL to you? What do you see that I don’t??’”

“I think that’s a perfectly rational feeling Tim, given the circumstances.  There’s really no right or wrong here, you know?”

“Yeah… I guess so. I mean, I know that my feelings on the matter are my own, and it’s nobody’s business how i feel, but I can’t help but feel judged for having this constant rage and just... sadness, all of the time”

“Who do you feel is judging you?” Jane inquired earnestly.

“EVERYONE!” Tim spat out, and looked at her with tears in his eyes. “My relatives say ‘Get over it. He won. Nothing’s gonna change that, and life goes on. In four years it’ll be the same thing again, and since it’s out of your control, you just have to ignore it and worry about yourself. Count your blessings!’ Things like that.  I don’t even want to talk to anyone about it, because it’s always the same thing.”

“And do you?”

“Do I what?”

“Do you ‘count your blessings’, as they say?”

“Honestly, if I hear that phrase one more time…”

“The reason I ask that, is that you might have a good result from taking stock for a moment, of what things in your life that you are in control of and what things are going right.  That way, you might see how you may be able to turn this sadness and rage into something positive, so you can carry on with life without being overwhelmed by this grief. Because it is a form of grief, what you feel, and that doesn’t just go away. You have to work through it.”

“What does it matter if things are going right for me, when the whole world seems to be so... “ he searched for the words, “so out of control and messed up!”

“Can you honestly tell me a time that the world didn’t feel like that?” Jane prodded.

“Well, no, er, I mean… I don’t know. Things just seem worse now than I can ever remember.”

“I can think of countless examples from history when people probably felt the same.“

“Yes, but, lines have been crossed that can’t be uncrossed!  Now I turn on the news and it's just all bad. I go into my accounts, and people say this, say that, and no matter which side I take, someone gets angry at me. I’ve had to unfriend so many people because of this, and every day I feel more angry and alone.” 

“I can see why you’d say that.  I think that is a very common problem right now.  Can I ask you, is ‘unfriending’ people making you feel any better ever?”

“No. I have never felt so alone in all my life.” 

“Maybe instead of unfriending them, you could just walk away from your phone.” 

“Easier said than done…” Tim squirmed a bit.

“But what do you do when those feelings come up?  Do you have any methods for shaking it off?”

“I try to remember to shower & eat,” he tried, “pet my cat, take out the garbage, things like that.  Is that what you mean?”

“Well, yes, sort of.. taking care of yourself and your household are always very important.  But more than that, it’s good to try a new hobby, or do a simple exercise routine, or even just try breathing techniques which can be very helpful to get you through something stressful.  Some people try writing down how they feel, on paper, so as to get it all out, not let it build up.”

“Yes, yes, I’ve heard all this before.” He said, exasperated. He slouched lower in his chair.  

“Perhaps this time you could give it a try?”

“I know all of this already, it just feels very futile, like trying to plug a hole in a dam with only a pebble, when you know that eventually the dam will burst anyway.” 

“Yes, but maybe you could look at it differently.  Maybe instead of plugging a hole, you’re the beaver who’s trying to build the dam in the first place? They always start with just one twig. Then two. Then three. Before you know it, they moved the whole river just to suit them!” Jane smiled broadly and continued, “that’s how I think of life and getting over bad feelings.  You can start by making small changes, and doing even the tiniest of things, in order to achieve some sort of peace with yourself, and better deal with those around you. Even just one small thing a day can make a world of difference in a few months’ time. The endless stream of things to upset you will indeed continue, as sure as the sun will rise and set again.”

“I guess so…”

“What is it that is stopping you?”

“Well… nothing really. Just…” Tim searched again for the words that matched how he felt about it, “my gut tells me that it doesn’t matter anyway, that we’re doomed.”

“Well, if it doesn’t matter, and we’re doomed anyway, then it certainly can’t hurt for you to at least take care of yourself in a way that is kinder, gentler, and maybe even might make you happy once in a while? There’s no shame in that, wanting to feel happy, even when things seem to be going wrong around you. Only you get to say ‘enough is enough’, and only you can decide to plot that course. If you want to bemoan it all first, cry about it, scream at it all... you can do all that too.  As i said, there’s no right or wrong answer here, but each day you have the chance to make new choices, and see things with a new perspective.”

He stared at her blankly.

“I can’t believe that I pay you for this.” He got up from his chair and stormed out.

Jane looked out the window.

“One twig. Two twigs. Three twigs. Four twigs.” Jane said, as she breathed in and out again. In and out, In and out, In and out, she thought to herself, this too shall pass.