Litost

I've made a mistake, I tell her without meeting her eyes. My eyes scanning my maths homework. So many mistakes there as well.

"What did you do?" She doesn't seem furious. Of course she doesn't, she doesn't know yet.

Something, wrong, I reply slowly; with a long pause between those two words. I don't want to have this conversation. But I'm still trying. Because I know no other way to fix this. I don't know if I can, even fix this. But I need to try. And I am.

"It's break time" she shifts in her chair. I notice an eight instead of a nine in my answer. I need an eraser.

Yeah, break time, which is exactly why I'm fixing my mess, both with you and this homework. I say as I grab my eraser. My fists are tight. If the eraser were alive it would've been choking right now. I wonder if it is.

"Let's go outside, we can talk there." She shrugs. Maybe she wants me to get some air. Maybe she is one of those who believe fresh air soothes people. Maybe she doesn't know, it makes me restless instead. It takes me away, sweeps me off my feet, as if I were dead leaves of the autumn; and I stop wanting to exist any longer.

I'm fine here, I say, as I furiously rub the eraser on my page. I bet it is in agony. Can it relate to me?

"But I'm not. Let's go" I pause and nod. Right now she's the boss. I need her to forgive me. Which I'm afraid she wouldn't, but, I need to try.

She grabs my hand and I let her lead me to an ice-cream shop, she's one of the few people who know how much I love them. She doesn't ask me to choose the flavour. She knows, my flavour. There's a small lump in my throat now. I don't wanna lose this person. I stare at the chocolate ice cream in my hands, and say, will you be able to forgive me for what I did?

"I don't know what you did yet" she puts a hand on the counter and nods, "but I think I will forgive you."

You won't, I mumble, and try to count how many more ice creams she would've treated me with but will do that, no more.

"You can try and I will, too." I wanna look at her. I have a feeling that she has that old "I know" expression on her face. I have a feeling she knows. Does she? I'm too afraid to ask.

You know, it's not like the mistakes we make in our homework, that we can erase and rewrite, I lick my ice cream. I wanna remember that last taste of our friendship. She doesn't reply back. I don't hope she does. I just hope she holds my hand. But she perhaps won't.

The break is over. Maths class is over. Everyone is leaving. I'm staring at my notebook. She's staring at me.

Why do you think I can't erase this eight, I ask her.

"You know, I might be wrong but I think that's because you used a pen" she points at my blue pen. We're not happy little kids anymore. We cannot erase and rewrite our mistakes anymore. It's not 2008 anymore. She is right. There is nothing I can do to fix the things I do wrong.

You're right, I nod as I close the notebook and pack my things.

The wait for the bus seems forever now. She has nothing to ask me. I have nothing to say. She doesn't forgive me. My mistakes were made with a pen. I can't correct them.

"You know you can always buy a whitener" she smiles as she walks into the bus and it takes her away. I watch her leave but I am at peace for some reason.

It's not 2008 anymore. It's 2018 now. I can buy a whitener right?

I take out my phone and dial the precious number,

"Forgive me" I say

"I do. I already have."

"I have bought a whitener." I have tears in my eyes and a whitener in my hand. It's 2018 now and the shopkeeper must be thinking I'm insane.

I hear her laugh on the other side, "Finally" she says. I can almost feel her pat on my back. I can almost see how to make it better.