When It Was Just Sean

Shawna pulled into a well-lit gas station at 1:45am, praying they wouldn’t notice her transition. Not yet. Obviously, she wanted people to notice, to acknowledge her…woman-ness, but not here, not in the middle of Nowhere, East Kentucky. She just needed to get home first, then she could sort out how to…do this. How to live. 

She kept her head down as she pumped the gas, using her credit card at the pump to reduce personal interaction. As she waited for the gas to finish, she realized she needed to use the bathroom. She felt her anxiety rise as she faced yet another huge decision. Which one to use? She decided to risk it. The gas station was empty, anyway, except for the middle-aged attendant at the cash register. Plus, the bathrooms were down a hall just behind the counter. She probably wouldn’t even know–or care–if Shawna went in the women’s instead of the men’s. 

Feeling more confident after making such a bold decision as the bathroom choice tonight, she opted for some coffee and a pack of gum, bought quickly and without conversation. Thank god for not-nosy gas station attendants. She wasn’t ready to practice her new voice on strangers. 

Returning to her car, Shawna quickly started the engine then bumped up the heat. Driving south from Ohio to Florida in March would mean warmer temperatures at every stop, but she was only getting started and it was the middle of the night. She had a long way to go. 

As she began to ease onto the highway, her thoughts wandered back to the events of the past few months that had led up to this moment. Decision after decision to walk this path were coming to fruition, and she was as excited as she was nervous. 

At Thanksgiving, just a few months ago, she had revealed herself to June, her closest cousin. Shawna and June were only six months apart in age, now 19 and 20 and both in college near their respective hometowns. Shawna and her brothers had arrived earlier that week at June’s house for Thanksgiving with her family.

“I’ve known forever that I’m meant to do this. I just need to figure out how to take these steps without my parents interfering,” Shawna, then still Sean, explained quietly.

June nodded solemnly in understanding. “Why don’t you come live with us for a while? Next semester. Don’t you take a lot of your courses online?”

“Yeah, but why would my parents let me go? Like why would that make sense to them?”

“What if we got you a job up here? Maybe with my dad? Something you couldn’t do down in Florida. And you’d live with us, so that would feel safe to them. They wouldn’t be worried about you off on your own somewhere or whatever.”

“Right, that could work. Maybe if we talk to your dad this week, we could have it planned before next semester. Get through the holidays with everyone then move up here.”

“I don’t see why it wouldn’t work.”

It did work. Everything worked perfectly. Maybe too perfectly. Sean and June spoke to June’s parents, Sean’s aunt and uncle, and everyone loved the idea. Sean would move up here at the first of the year. It would give Aunt Karen time to get a room set up for him. He would tell his parents right away, so they had time to get used to the idea, and then leave right after New Year’s. 

The problems wouldn’t arise until after Sean started transitioning. He knew they wouldn’t be excited about it. They might even try to stop him. That’s why he had to get away. What he didn’t anticipate was how he would feel in reaction to his parents’ reactions.

The first week in Ohio, June and Sean talked to June’s mom, Sean’s Aunt Heather. She was as understanding as they expected, if not a little eager to be part of something so trendy as a queer person in the family. 

“Have you done any research about transitioning? Like, do you know where to start?” she’d asked.

“I can get hormone replacement therapy right away in a pill form. And I can practice changing my voice on my own–there are apps for that, and I basically just practice a lot. Anything else, like surgery, is going to be expensive.”

“Okay, well, let’s start with some pills and June and I can take you shopping so you feel more…comfortable.”

A few outfits and makeup tutorials later, and Sean was beginning to feel more like Shawna. June and Aunt Heather referred to Shawna as “her” and “she” when they were out shopping or around their home. Shawna practiced her new voice, working to make it higher and softer. 

That was two months ago. Since then, Shawna had worked for Uncle Theo at his small, independent office, but otherwise tended to stay home unless June or Aunt Heather went out with her. 

Telling her parents had not been easy. Her mom yelled. Her dad cried. She wasn’t even sure how her brothers reacted. She’d written them emails and only her older brother had written back. He said she could do what she wants and he’d support her. Helpful, but not especially deep or sentimental. 

The only person who’d really seemed to understand–to actually get it–was Lizzie, Shawna’s friend from high school. Lizzie and Sean had not been super close during high school, but had connected more through social media lately. Lizzie saw everything Shawna was trying to be and wasn’t just “okay” with it. She was encouraging and gave helpful advice. Except lately, Lizzie’s abusive father had become too much to handle, and her mom’s absences were getting longer and longer each time she went away. Lizzie needed to get out of her situation. Shawna wanted to be there for Lizzie the way Lizzie had been there for Shawna so much recently.

Now she was on her way home to confront, well, everything, in person. She needed her parents to see her, see that she was still the same person. But she also needed them to know she was serious about this. That she’d started this transformation and there was no going back. The decision had been made. And, she hoped she could provide a safe space for Lizzie, something she wasn’t able to do from Ohio.

In a definitive move, she’d quit her job with her uncle and packed her things to leave. She appreciated everything her cousin, aunt and uncle had done for her, but it was time to face the music. She knew by leaving in the middle of the night she was risking her safety net. 

Besides helping Lizzie, she hoped being around her parents would force them to face her changes. Maybe she wanted to control their reactions. Or maybe she just wanted to know she was loved unconditionally, that she could always return home, no matter what. 

Late night drives like this led to so much introspection, Shawna was almost dizzy with the spirals her mind and emotions were taking. 

Another few stops for gas and caffeine at remote gas stations and Shawna found herself crossing the border into Florida. The weather was so much milder than in Ohio, even in the dark early morning hours she needed to shed her heavy coat. This would mean revealing the beginnings of curves and femininity of her changing body. 

Light slowly chased the inky deep purple of the eastern sky away as Shawna continued moving south. As the sun rose, she imagined her parents’ reactions to seeing her for the first time since she announced her transition. 

When she was just Sean, she was the one of three brothers who didn’t love sports or cars or other guy stuff. She’d seen how her dad, a football coach at the local high school, struggled to find anything to talk about with Sean. Her mom always tried to be understanding, but could trigger Sean like no one else, setting him off and sending him into full-blown tantrums without knowing why. 

Maybe now they would understand. Maybe they could see what they’d been missing all along and everything would start to make sense. Plus, Lizzie needed a friend right now, someone in person who could truly help. Shawna envisioned sharing her childhood bedroom with Lizzie, a place Lizzie’s dad wouldn’t even think to look. It was a perfect plan. 

Pulling into the driveway of her parents’ home, Shawna took a deep breath before stepping out of the car. She pulled her purse across her body the way June had showed her, fluffing her blousy top around the strap before walking to the front door. She ran her manicured fingers through her shoulder-length hair, and mashed her lips together to blend her lip gloss. 

She knocked on the front door before stepping inside, just to be polite. She didn’t want to give her parents any extraneous reasons to be upset. However, she hadn’t told them she was coming home today, so she was counting on the shock value to be high as she took hold of the situation.

  Her parents were both in the kitchen when she walked in. Dad was pouring coffee while mom pulled eggs out of the fridge. They both looked up, surprised, as Shawna stood in the doorway. 

“Oh my god, Sean!” Mom said and set the eggs down on the counter to hug her. 

“It’s Shawna now, mom,” she corrected as she let Mom hug her. 

“Right, right. Sorry. I’m still getting used to…” Mom trailed off and looked at Dad for help. 

“Hey, son…Shawna,” Dad fumbled and drew out Shawna’s new name awkwardly as he started to offer his hand to shake, then moved into a side hug. “We didn’t expect you. When’d you decide to come home?”

“You must’ve driven all night?” Mom exclaimed and asked in bewilderment. Neither of Shawna’s parents seemed to know how to react to her surprise arrival.

“I did. I need to move home.”

“Wait, what? Now? Did something happen at Aunt Heather’s?”

“No, I have a friend down here, Lizzie. I know her from high school, but we’ve gotten close lately. She needs my help.”

Mom and Dad glanced at each other. “What kind of help?” Dad asked.

“She needs a place to stay, away from her dad. He’s awful, abusive…I thought she could stay here, with me. At least until she can figure something else out.” Shawna tried to keep her voice high and light, like she’d practiced, but longer phrases and explanations were still challenging. She sounded whiny instead of confident.

“Ummmm, I don’t think…” Dad started, looking at Mom. 

“Let’s get some breakfast and talk about all of this. Are you hungry Shawna?” This time Mom’s attempt at her name was more deliberate. At least she was trying. 

As they sat around the kitchen table, Shawna explained the trauma Lizzie had endured and how they’d become close. She walked her parents through her decision to come home so quickly, to give Lizzie a place to stay and get away from her dad.

“Well, I think all of that is really noble, Shawna,” Dad articulated her name slowly, “But here’s the thing. We didn’t know you were coming home. We didn’t think you’d come back at all, after you started going through your transition at Aunt Heather’s. She said they liked having you and we just assumed everything was good up there. So…”

“We turned your bedroom into an office.” Mom’s bluntness stung in a way Shawna didn’t think possible. “We didn’t think you’d want to come back, at least not anytime soon.”

“You probably should’ve told us you were headed home,” Dad explained, trying to soften the blow of Mom’s words.

“Wait, so I don’t have a room here anymore?”

“I mean, you can sleep on the couch for a few days while we all figure this out…”

“What about Lizzie?”

“Sean! Shawna. We don’t even know Lizzie, much less had any idea we were expected to provide a room for her! You’re springing a lot on us at once.”

“I’m sorry, I’ve just always thought of home as a safe space. Not just for me, but for my friends. Is this because I’m transitioning?”

“No, sweetie! We couldn’t have known you’d come back. You didn’t seem like you wanted to once you started…” Dad waved a hand up and down toward Shawna in a general motion to indicate her transformation.

“Okay. I get it,” Shawna felt completely defeated. “I guess you never know a good thing until it’s gone.”

The End