Pancakes

I woke up to the smell of pancakes wafting through the house, drawing me to the kitchen like a moth to a flame. I rubbed the restless sleep from my eyes, and combed my fingers through my hair in an effort to smooth it down. Luckily, pancakes don't judge you for your looks.

I stumbled through the hallway towards the kitchen, standing silently in the door frame for a moment as I took her in. Roxy stood in front of the kitchen stove, humming merrily as she scraped the last bit of batter out of a bowl, onto her pan. She wore her dark blue robe, her hair still pulled back into the braid I'd put it in the night before.

"Good morning," I smirked, chuckling as she jumped, whipping her head towards my voice.

Roxy sighed, placing a hand over her heart. "Good morning to you too, you monster."

I stepped into the kitchen, reaching my arms out for Roxy, which she willingly stepped into. We embraced, holding each other tightly until she wriggled out to take the last pancake off the stove.

She carried the plate of pancakes to the kitchen island, and I joined her a minute later with the jar of peanut butter and the bag of mini-chocolate chips.

We decorated our pancakes, making small hearts and our initials out of the chocolate. As we finished and began to eat the fruit of our labor, I felt my mind flood with the realization that we would not be having another pancake breakfast together for a long time.

My thoughts were broken by Roxy, asking, "How'd you sleep?"

I opened my mouth to lie, before I put another bite of food in instead. I didn't want to lie to her, I figured that'd make for a pretty crappy goodbye.

I swallowed, changing the subject. "Any word on your uncle?"

"Nothing new, he's still dragging this out." Roxy looked down at her plate, her voice tinted with agitation.

I watched her push her fork aimlessly around her plate, before noticing I was doing the same with mine. "I mean, do you really have to leave?" I couldn't hide the pathetic twinge in my voice.

"He may be crap, but he still raised my brother and I. My uncle's dying, and it'd be unfair of me to make my brother deal with everything," she grunted. She looked back up, before reacting to her phone buzzing in her pocket. She pulled it out, rolling her eyes at the screen.

"Speak of the devil," she whispered, looking at me apologetically. "One sec, I need to take this." She slid out of her chair, ambling out towards the hallway.

I begrudgingly absorbed her words, straining my ears as I stared thoughtlessly at the table. Maybe her brother was calling to say their uncle had just died, that she didn't have to fly halfway across the country.

Maybe it was selfish, but I couldn't help but feel hot when I thought about the whole situation.

Roxy returned, throwing her phone onto the table as she groaned. She sat down and dropped her head in her hands, rubbing her eyelids.

"He's getting worse," she started, looking up at me, "but the doctors think he might have a month or two left with life support."

"Two months?" I blurted, forgetting to reign in my anger. I gawked at the number, at the idea that Roxy could be gone for so long, just for him. "Why is he even worth your time?"

Roxy shook her head, staring at me with a resigned look. She kept the connection, before melting into a more sorrowful tone. "I couldn't forgive myself if I wasn't there."

"When has he been there for you?"

"Since I was young- I mean, he raised me."

"I mean recently."

Roxy slumped and let her head fall to the table. I bit my lip, though I couldn't stop the words I'd been filtering for so long from flying out.

"He hasn't been there for you. He rejected you! And for what, for getting engaged to a woman, to me?"

Roxy clenched her fist.

I continued, trying to fight tears in the corners of my eyes, ignoring the heat swelling in my cheeks, "He shut you away, dropped contact, and all these other cruel things, and know he expects you to drop everything in your life and come groveling to his bedside?" My voice broke as I cried.

Roxy stood up and walked around the table toward me, arms outstretched. I stood up and caught her, embracing her tightly.

She cried silently into my shoulder, before choking out her response, "I know this is stupid, but I- I couldn't not go even if I tried." She let out a sob. "And at least this will be the last time he'll come between us."

I held her for longer, allowing her to finish decompressing. "I'm sorry for getting upset," I whispered, trying to kill the shame and guilt rampaging in my mind.

"No, it's okay," Roxy mumbled, squeezing me tight. She looked at me, her eyes red and cheeks pink, "I'm sorry."

................................................................................................................................

I sat on the bed as Roxy put the final things in her suitcase.  Her dresser drawers were almost completely barren, only housing old pieces of clothing that weren’t old enough to warrant throwing away.  Her toothbrush was stashed in a plastic bag in her suitcase, leaving mine all alone in the bathroom.  

The last thing she packed was the picture frame from her bedside table, the frame itself made out of the nicest cheap wood at the craft store.  Inside, it housed a picture of us as teenagers, sitting on the steps of our old high school.  We were laughing at some stupid joke, abandoning our textbooks to look at each other.

The picture itself was cut out from the yearbook, where it’s been falsely filed under the “Friends!” section, where we both agreed it clearly belonged in “Cutest Couples!”, though Roxy was definitely not out to her uncle yet.  By the time the picture was taken, we’d been dating for a few months already, though our lack of public kissing had given many of our classmates an incorrect perception of our relationship.

Roxy wrapped the frame inside of one of her sweaters, bundling it before setting it in her suitcase with a sigh.  She looked up at me, fixing her gaze at me as if she was taking a picture.

“There’s not room for me in there, right?” I grinned, trying to lighten the mood.

Roxy chuckled.  “There wasn’t any room yesterday, did you expect the suitcase to grow?”

“Just checking.”

We smiled at each other, though only for a moment.  In the same breath, our faces fell, and I felt a plunging feeling through my chest as Roxy’s eyes filled with tears again.  

She got up slowly and joined me on the bed, giving me a moment to lay down first.  She curled up next to me, resting her head on my shoulder.  She raised a hand up to fiddle with my hair, and I raised mine down to fiddle with hers.

We laid there in silence, stimulated only by the sound of breathing and the twirling of hair around fingers.  I couldn’t help but feel like this was fated to be our goodbye, sinking into each other on our bed.  

I opened my mouth, ready to say what I couldn’t that morning, only to be cut off by the shrill ring of Roxy’s phone.

She grunted, reluctantly reaching for her phone.  She glared at it, mumbling to herself as she accepted her brother’s call.

“Yes?” Her voice was groggy, though she’d already been up for hours.  

She listened to her brother for a moment, before retorting to her phone, “I’m just trying to spend a moment with my fiancée.”

She rolled her eyes as she put him on speakerphone, dropping the phone down onto the bed.  

“Geez, I’m just trying to ask you when your flight is coming in,” his voice came through the phone, carrying his annoyance.  

Roxy mocked him with her hand, mouthing his words with a stupid look on her face.  I tried not to chuckle.

“Roxanne, you need to answer me.”

“Don’t call me that,” she snapped.  “If you care so much, I’m supposed to land at one thirty-something, now lay off!”

Both siblings sighed at the same time, before he grumbled a vague “thanks”, and hung up.

“This is so stupid,” Roxy mumbled to me, staring intensely at the ceiling.  

Roxy and her brother had been close as kids, but had grown apart since she’d graduated.  He hated her for moving halfway across the country, she hated him for basking in their uncle’s light.

The words I'd wanted to say fluttered out of my mind, leaving me to stare blankly at the ceiling as well.

................................................................................................................................

The drive to the airport was eerily quiet. The radio was turned down low, though it was the only sound in the accompanying our breathing.

My thoughts raced as I drove, trying to comprehend how long a month would really be. I knew 62 days wouldn't seem outrageous on paper, but I quickly realized that it meant there would be 62 nights were I went to bed alone. I would go to work, the whole reason I couldn't go with her in the first place, and come home to an empty house. I would always be able to call Roxy, but no slightly distorted words from a box could hold a flame to waking up to the love of your life in bed next to you.

I almost didn't flick on my turn signal to exit the freeway, to drive past the exit sign with the word "Airport" written in big, white letters. I almost didn't find a spot in the parking garage, and I almost didn't unlock the car doors.

Roxy felt my hesitation, turning to me with a feigned smile. "It'll be okay," she said, reaching her hand to my shoulder. She leaned over and kissed my cheek, as I finally unlocked the door.

We stepped out and walked back to the trunk of the car.

"You can walk with me to the check-in counter, then I'll head through security-" Roxy's voice trailed off, dissipating into the open air of the garage.

"Mhm," I nodded, a creeping feeling of anxiety wrapping around my chest as her luggage was removed and the trunk closed.

We each held a bag in one hand, holding each others as we walked towards the entrance to the airport. We didn't always hold hands in public, especially in our small, old hometown. The same hometown that Roxy was now flying back too, crawling with snide comments and tyrannical uncles who only gave a crap about you on their deathbeds.

As we approached the check-in counter and stepped in line, I looked towards the front, where checked bags were placed on the conveyor belt, before being carried through a large, dark hole in the wall.

My attention was pulled away as I felt Roxy squeeze my hand. I looked at her, swiftly noticing the fear creeping in her eyes.

I squeezed her hand back, making her look at me. I set my bag down, using my free hand to hold the side of her face. She leaned into it, blinking slowly as she took deep breaths through her mouth.

"It's alright," I said, holding the lie back behind my tongue. The line pushed forwards, and I begrudgingly slid my hand away as she opened her eyes. I picked my bag back up, and we stepped closer to the counter.

When our turn came, Roxy confirmed her flight, and we set her bags onto the conveyor, watching as they were escorted down and through the hole, gone from my sight. We were eventually dismissed, waved by the attendant towards the security gate.

Hand in hand, we traversed the airport terrain as we walked to the point of separation. We slowed down as we arrived, feet away.

The anxiety in my chest stabbed at me, but my mind would not stand another ruined goodbye.

"Roxy," I said, clearing my throat as she took my other hand into hers. We moved closer to each other as I resumed, "I- I hope you have a good time. This is going to be hard, but I'll be a call away, everyday."

She nodded, freeing a hand and cradling my face. "It's the same for me. I will answer your calls, every time."

"Every time," I repeated.

I couldn't tell who was going to speak next, but we were both interrupted by the shriek of Roxy's phone. She refused to take her hand off my cheek, using her other hand to reach into her back pocket for it. Without looking, at the screen, she held down the power button, silencing her phone as it powered off.

"I won't do that to you," she laughed, returning her phone. Her hand came up to other side of my face, as I placed my hands on hers.

We pulled into each other and kissed, silently exchanging our goodbyes.

As we finished, we slid our hands down, looking at each other for one last moment. She pecked me cheek, before whispering, "I love you."

I kissed her cheek back, "I love you too."

We turned away, her to the security, me to the car. I didn't turn back to look at her, because I knew that I'd said all I needed to.

I knew she would board the plane, and be gone for two months, but I also knew she would have my goodbyes, and I would have hers.

And, of course, the leftover pancakes.