Table of Bliss

Rollo was the kind of guy who was so full of himself his ego couldn't fit into the L.A. County Coliseum. He didn't have any friends, because he didn't need them. He was his own one man press agency. If only the rest of the world could see him the way he saw himself: FLAWLESS.

This never ceasing sense of entitlement and delusions of grandeur played havoc with his sex life. Never feeling the need to pay for it, he had been a monk for several months since the last woman he slept with had had it with his bullshit and left. Was Rollo devasted, no. He figured it was HER loss. However, that made a severe hole in his sexual dance card, as he was beginning to feel like an unintentional monk. So, he begrudgingly made the decision to try: Dates R Us. It wasn't the BEST or HOTTEST dating app out there, but it was FREE. He signed up, made his profile look like he was a God, or at least a reasonable facsimile of one. And waited for the offers of a date to pour in... They hadn't been.

There were detestable qualities to Rollo, but, like Hitler, he WAS kind to his dog. Said dog's name was: Rocco (he was going to name him Rollo Jr., but he was afraid of confusing the neighbors). Rocco tried to run away from home several times during his tenure with Rollo but was never quite successful. Mostly it was the PRIMO pet food (you know the kind you have to keep in the fridge) that kept bringing him back. From Rocco's perspective it wasn't his devotion to Rollo, but his love of Fresh Pet that truly made him think of this cramped, one-bedroom, shit shack that he shared with Rollo as "home."

Rocco had trained himself to balance himself over the toilet to pee and poop, since Rollo never remembered to walk him. He didn't bother to paper train him either. He did provide the BEST food, but he reasoned that Rollo only thought food went in, never out!

Finally, blessedly for Rocco, Rollo finally got a hit, and he was set up for his first date with an Elizabeth Shroyer. He was beyond excited, which Rocco could smell on him. I wonder who's in heat around here Rocco thought to himself smelling the hormone factory that WAS Rollo at this point. Rocco, had a typical dog's mentality: If you can't eat it, and you can't fuck it, piss on it!

Enter poor, hapless Beth (Elizabeth Shroyer), the only female butcher at the Whole Foods in Toluca Lake. Her dumb but well-meaning friend Sophie, who had signed her up with Dates R Us and the horrid possibility of having a Date R Us Encounter with one Rollo D. Hapgood (and, no, the D wasn't for DICK as some of his past dates had speculated).

Beth arrived early to the restaurant, fresh from cutting T-Bones into perfect 2-inch, ready to BBQ masterworks of beef wonderment. So, of course, she still smelled like dead meat. She changed clothes and "freshened up" so now she smelled like freshly cut meat and Dolce & Gabbana.

Rollo came bounding into the restaurant with his typical swagger, spotted Beth from the red rose she wore on her lapel (a spotting tool she gave him, since she didn't look much like the picture that Sophie had posted, from 10 years ago).

"Hey, so you're Elizabeth, from Dates R Us?" Rollo blurted out as he slid into the chair across the small round table from Beth. Rollo then sniffed the air and looked around. "I don't know why, but I have the strangest craving for a T-Bone."

Beth, had been sipping water at the time of Rollo's words, now said water came squirting out through her nose. Some of the nose water Splish-Splashed all over Rollo's new silk tie.

"Whoa! THAT was $49 well spent! Would you care to shit on my shirt now?"

"Sorry, and it's Beth. Only my mom calls me Elizabeth, and only when she's pissed."

"When does she get pissed? When you launch nose water at her?"

"I said I was sorry. What do you want me to do?"

"Pay for the tie? Snot isn't really my color."

"Did you flunk out of charm school, or did you never go?"

"I can tell THIS is going to be fun!" he said, then finished under his breath. "Like the Menendez brother's childhood."

Beth tried to change the subject and get Rollo's mind off of his dampness.

"So, Rollo, according to your profile you're a marketer."

"And according to yours, you work IN a market."

"I work at Whole Foods. I'd hardly call it your typical market."

"A snooty, high-end, high-priced market is still just a grocery store. Granted it does have the dubious distinction of attracting folks that actually WANT to go in there to pay way too much, for way too little."

"Our valued customers don't see it that way."

"And if any of your customers knew the meaning of the word: value, they'd shop at Trader Joe's."

Wolfgang, a transgender member of the restaurant's waitstaff, approached the duo's table. They watched the duo like a twisted tennis match as they continued sniping at each other.

"Do you really want to continue this Rollo, or shall I just pay for my iced tea, and we can call it a night?"

"No, no. We're here, and I'm hungry. And I assume there will be no more cannon fire from any other orifice of your body? So please, let's order."

"Can I order a new date?" she asked Wolfgang.

"Make that two, to go." Rollo addressed Wolfgang as well.

"I-I'm Wolfgang. I will be serving you. I guess? Why don't I give you two a minute? Here's some complimentary bread." Wolfgang put a basket of bread down on the table and hastily departed.

"Did you have to say that to the poor waiter?"

"I didn't have a choice! You started it. Now, eat some bread, cuz trust me it'll be a while before Wolfie comes back to this... This... Table of BLISS!"