"Uljhan"* *(meaning - Confusion)

Uljhan[1]

The phone rang insistently. With quivering hands she picked it up…feeling a knot rise in her stomach. She let it ring a few times…the desire to talk lingering, the pain lingering. Her beautiful eyes flickered for a moment as she wiped away a couple of tears that threatened her voice to be shaky. “I can do this”, she reminded herself and picked up the phone. “Hello”, she said tentatively. “Hi Mina, how are you?”

Hearing the longing on the other side of the phone almost broke her down. Her mind became a tangled mess of thoughts…this moment became a blur, as she was swept in a wave of memories – both sweet and hurtful…the time he had belittled her in front of his family, or the time he had surprised her with a fancy meal he cooked himself, the day he had walked out for a week, or the birthday on which he had flown her out to her favorite city. She felt like she was in the middle of a storm with straws swirling around her…some were good, some were bad – there were some forgiven, some still raw…which ones did she want to hold on to?

“Hello, are you there, Mina?” the voice on the other end insistent and urgent.

“Yes, I am here”.

“How are you?” he asked gently.

“I am fine”, she said in a voice that she could not recognize herself, “and you?”

“I want to meet you…when can we meet?”

“How about tomorrow at 5? We can meet in the café”, she offered, knowing that he would understand which café she was referring to…

“Ok! Sounds great”. The relief in his voice was palpable, “I will pick you up and we can drive there together”, he said, sounding almost excited.

“No, it’s ok. I will see you at the café”, she said firmly, and hung up the phone.

She went to sit in the balcony where she was surrounded by green – it always calmed her mind down. Her heart was racing…almost like she was drowning in a stream of consciousness…flooded with these memories that wouldn’t let go. Ten years of togetherness…two years apart...

When they moved apart, it felt like a gaping wound that would never full up…she felt crippled, like she would never be whole again…like she would never have a reason to smile again. Her family had quickly ensconced her in the warmth of their love, holding her close. They gave her the cocoon she needed to hide from the world, to just be - go through the pain and to start afresh. She never thought she would be able to. She feared that she would be a broken person, a burden on her aging parents.

But bit by bit she had peeked out of the cocoon, her wound gradually filling in...tender but not quite as raw as before. She gained some strength back as she leaned on her family. She was often flooded with memories that chafed and wounded her mind; swirling incessantly, demanding her attention, demanding some resolution. No memory was sweet in those days…even the good ones brought sharp stabs of pain with them. The days and months passed slowly. Slowly…slowly… some memories were forgiven, some buried, some forgotten and some sweet ones lingering on in a sense of nostalgia. Slowly…but surely…she reflected, she cried, she even laughed. Slowly… she discovered herself again. Parts of herself she had buried in an effort to make the marriage work, sweet parts of her that were fragrant and brought her joy, quirky parts of her that had always made her parents smile, naughty parts of her that made the child in her feel alive…slowly she reclaimed many bits of her forgotten self again. She started to paint again, she spent hours creating her new canvases, and as she brought her artistic visions to life on canvas, it was as if she was filling the colors back in her very being with every stroke of her brush. She began to feel vibrant, she began to feel whole again. 

Two years have passed, she reflected, as she sat in her lush balcony. They had met in college, both with very different passions, yet both driven in their own ways. “Why was I ever attracted to him?” she mused…but could not find the answer in her memories. They used to travel a lot in the first few years, and made many happy memories together. Over time, his relentless drive to prove himself (to whom, she wondered) and excel exhausted her…the frequent moves, the lack of time together, her leaving her work so he could do his…a gradual neglect built into their relationship that slowly took the ugly form of indifference…feigned indifference that hid beneath it layers of mistrust and hurt.

He wants to reconcile and get back together – what prompted this, she wondered. She only knew what their common friend who had approached her on his behalf had told her. “He realizes he was going through a rough phase that tainted his perspective about everything, including his relationship with you”, she had said. “He feels you both have enough to make it work. Please promise me you will at least think about it, Nina” she had said. 

For the last two years of their marriage, as the cold indifference grew, he pushed on his ambitions with double the effort, while she struggled to find some meaning in her existence…something that would energize her days that were filled with the routines of life…leaving her hollow, and deeply sad. 

Meaning – she thought now…she had built a flourishing art gallery as she had emerged from the shackles of her sorrow, slowly dead-heading the bad memories, and making space for new ones to bloom. She felt content and at peace. She felt strong. This wave of emotions will pass, she thought to herself…it’s a wave that will recede, leaving the bedrock of her being intact…"I am whole”, she said, “I am complete”.

[1] Confusion