I am Sasha

TW: abuse, sexual abuse, mental health

I was just turning 20 years old when I went into labor with Sasha. I had just given birth to my son Damien, he was only 1 month old. Sasha was conceived by a series of events that had taken place up to her birth. Her descendants are rape , neglect, pain , molestation , abuse, anger and death .

On the day of Sasha's birth. I remember I was cleaning my new apartment and moving the remaining pieces of furniture I had left out of storage. Damien's father Robert and I had got in an argument prior to me moving into my own place . I didn't want him to know where I lived and I didn't want him to have my phone number . I was so happy to have my own landline phone ,these were the days when caller ID came out.. I loved the fact that if I called someone, my name would show up. I felt accomplished by just that small simple thing . 

Anyway, that day I blocked my number and called Robert and asked him if he wanted to keep Damien while I finished getting my house in order . (Why did I do that) he said sure . So I went to his house to drop the baby off ,but Robert's mother Patricia wanted to keep the baby instead. Robert said he would go with me to help me finish the house . (Why did I accept his offer?) So we left Damien with his grandmother, and headed back to my place. While driving I felt the contractions coming , I knew Sasha was on her way. We got to my home , everything was fine . He helped me like he said he would . But then he started making smart remarks , I felt more contractions ,they were coming less than 8 mins apart . I was trying to overlook his comments and keep busy to avoid confrontation. 

I walked into my bedroom and Robert was standing there with my house phone up to his ears . I watched him and asked who are you calling ? He replied , Nobody! I asked him again, he began to get defensive and walked out of my room after putting the phone down. I immediately picked up my phone and pressed redial . He had called his phone so he could have my number. 

That's the moment my water broke and the being that was forming inside of me gushed out of my loins. I began to yell at him and asked him” why did you do that ? I didn't want you to have my number . YOU ARE AGGRAVATING !!!” The next thing I know , Robert had slapped me. I hit him so hard he flew into the bathroom ,and the door shut behind him. I knew that strength did not come from me . There was an unstoppable force behind it . A force named Sasha.

Sasha was born March 15 ,2005 . Sasha is immortal ,she is not like any regular being you would encounter. Sasha developed for 19 years before she was birthed out of my womb. She was a full grown woman . Ten foot tall and bulletproof ,So beautiful, with long black hair with a body like a Goddess, her eyes were hazel and piercing to any man's soul. She had multiple personalities and was a very diverse and complicated being . She could manipulate and talk any man out of their drawls. She was dark ,wild and promiscuous. She was a strong independent, fearless woman that wouldn't take any crap off anyone . She was a predator that would sometimes fall victim to her own prey. She was heartless, but would love with a passion ….

Sasha was a sex addict . Sex was her poison , her drug. She strived for the pleasure of being the best and having the most body count. She was willing, ready and able to do whatever, whenever, however to whomever regardless of the consequences of her actions. She was very dominant but found the utmost pleasure in being dominated. Finding a dominant male intrigued her . Not to be submissive, but to be rebellious. Being controlled , disrespected, defiled, degraded, abused, torn and dragged through the mud just added fuel to her fire , it penetrated her passion. To be treated in this manner Sasha felt this was love , and the only way she could feel love was through pain and pleasure .

 Sasha was a very angry, emotional, unstable being. She was always in control ,always on the go with no map or destination. She was always looking for something , she wasn't aware of what it was she was searching for . Along with her sexual appetite ,she also was an alcoholic with no filter . She was a fighter , a homewrecker, an instigator and an embezzler of the soul. She was a warrior, she was a leader , but she was weak . She was a hustler by any means , a provider , a giver , but she often took things for granted , with no regrets. 

Her mouth was ruthless with foul and vulgar language ,her voice was loud with a carefree tongue . She spoke very bluntly. She dressed in the tightest , shortest clothes .. the most revealing tops …. The less clothes the better. She was never ashamed of her body or her scars . She felt like she was the sexiest being on the planet. Her confidence level was sky high , but she was so depressed . She hated being around people but wanted to be loved by the people she was around… she often wanted to be left alone , but she wanted to have someone there with her at the same time . Like I said, Sasha was a very complex diverse, contradicting being. But she made many choices for me that impacted my life forever. Sasha was not my friend, although at one point in time I admired her and who she was . When I looked into the mirror , I saw nothing but her beauty and nothing from her heart. I was Sasha for several years in my life . She is my inner being . A being I have tried to kill by myself so many times, but like I said , she is immortal. I haven't met any medication or a shrink that could get rid of her . She is a big part of my life and my mistakes. She cries for help , but she is never heard.