A sincere disloyalty

(Now try to be a 12 year old girl : with high marks , whom everyone expects to excel in every field of life , whose parents n relatives have high expectations from her , who believes the true love in movies is true , who is new n confused to the feelings n problems young children face , who never wants to make her parents upset , who is not completely a teenger yet, who is funny , pretty , caring , fiesty and most of all is 'sincere' )

Shranya's P.O.V



Yeah so I started going to my tuition last year and here's this senior who tries to make my life always a living hell from the last one and a half year. He is just 3 years older than me . I'm in grade in 7th and he's in grade 10th and while he looks like a boy of his age , I look like a kid at my age . Still he irritates me. Day by day , I became immune to his teasing and now I can't digest his food if he doesn't annoy me .

He was more like a enemy before . You know , one day he complained to the tuition teacher that I was cheating while she was asking me questions . Like seriously! I admit I wrote a question on my hand and sneakily cheated but that doesn't give him any write to expose me . Then he just hold one of his year , signing he's sorry.

One day , we had a fight and teacher asked us jokingly to live like brother and sister not like enemies . The next day , he fought with me again , i told him that I didn't want a brother like him to which he replied " I too don't want to make you my sister . I'll make you my 'that' . My 12 year old mind couldn't even comprehend his nonsense.

Whenever I leave my tuition to go home , he's almost always there , outside the tuition even though his batch got free a little earlier than us . And whenever my work got finish earlier , like at the time he leaves the tuition , he sometimes starts walking being me whistling and embarrassing me in front of all the people. If he ever saw me taking a different route , he would follow me wherever I go asking about what am I going to do , where am I going and I always just ignored his silly questions . He was silly . Like really really silly that he shouldn't be , considering his age ....

One day, he decided to go a little farther and that was he crossed his limits . I was not a lady , a women ; I was just a normal girl whose annoying senior decide to become a stalking pervert . He dare kicked me from behind , more like touching his knee above my knees . Next I don't even know what took over me , maybe it was the fact that he always acted like this weird or the tension between us ( now that I'm more mature , I can understand it ) I turned around and slapped him so hard across his handsome face that he was shocked even I was shocked but I didn't show it. I was furious , I don't like the touchy work . I don't even remember now if he grabbed my hand that day or if just turned back around and went to my home. That day was the first time I replied so harshly to him and I felt guilty too. But the girl inside me didn't like his way of treating me .

It's been a few days after that slap incident and maybe he knew that he was wrong that day too. We're almost back to our bickering . During , lunchbreak , I was on the second floor of the school while he was on the ground floor. I was with my friend Gayu ,talking about him ( I don't know why I talked about him so much with everyone ) when he looked up with that strange expression that was dark and challenging at the same time and me being a competitive bitch decided to curse him directly ON HIS FACE. I hadn't thought that he would really come up to the second floor . I was in front of the blackboard when he entered the classroom in all his glory . Nodoubt , he was handsome , but even some boys in the class that were not out that day , looked surprised to see their senior like that . Like that , means fuming with anger. I grabbed both my wrists with both his hands , pushing me to the blackboards and hovering over me ( Might sound hot now but at that time , my whole focus was on him and the curious glances of my classmates ; not on our position and close proximity ) . And just like that , he left , leaving me confused, scared maybe. 

One of my friends , Shivi came to me and lemme tell you she found it sexy . Then another of my friend, found it tempting . God ! What's up with these girls today! I'm naughty too , but I never thought of him that way. I spent the whole day thinking about aur encounter. That was when I felt the pitter-patter the first time ( I didn't knew it at that time ) but I was too engrossed in crushing over my 1 year old senior Abby and also I knew it didn't and can never have a chance with Tarun . First , because he was my 3 year old senior who was soon going to leave the school . Second , because he didn't like me, ( that's why I thought ) I mean why would someone else annoy you so much ? ( to get your attention maybe ...) . Third , he could have girls who were more beautiful , tall and were of his age ; like Cherry , Paru , Anya bla bla bla . I was a self conscious freak and never even wanted to ever confess to Abby . I was so immature !

I don't remember quite well why , but I do know that i was upset with Tarun . He came to my class , bickering again . Seeing me place my hotdog on the desk , he quicky went outside the class ( he already knew me too well ) and that saved him because I pulled out one of my black buckle school shoe and threw it at him ; narrowly missing him . I started to feel a internal battle for him . I wanted him to stay at a distance because I was fighting with my teenage hormones . I didn't wanted to get attracted to someone at a really young age . Believe it or not I thought it would embarrass me and my family if I fall in love with someone now . But my mom knew that there's a certain spoiled brat annoying me ; )

I always felt jealous whenever he talked to any other girl. It was not good for me.That made me tell my myself to stop seeing him like that ( Like he can only talk to me . Uff ! Why was I like that ??? Taking others' decisions on my own. )

It was nearly time for his final exams . We were okay ( bickering as usual ) . But then , he decided to ruin that . He wanted to tell me something . I feel dreaded as well as excited . Little did I know it has something to do with with his strange behaviour these days but I thought it was just me being weird . He didn't threw a bomb , he threw a whole missile at me . We met in lunch break in the classroom of grade 1st . I was still thinking it his way of irritating me then....

He said " You might not like what I say but if you find it bad , its okay " I nodded feeling my heartbeat faster . He smiled a little "I love you" he confessed. Wanna know my reaction? Without saying a single word or wasting a single second , I turned around and with wobbly legs , a wildly beating heart and heaving breathing , took off to my class...

I love you

I love you

I love you

His words kept repeating in my mind . Never in a million times , had I thought it would be really coming out of his mouth . But was I ready ? Was I ready to give myself to someone ? To maybe get heartbroken ? To maybe let my parents head down ? To defocus on my studies ? I was so young to think correctly . Later that evening , he kept asking me about my answer to his confession. I was confused . I couldn't comprehend the situation . I was so torn out . But I wanted to experience what's people called love or more like a bf/gf relationship . But I was too small for that . But I wanted to try it. I wanted to see our chemistry. I wanted to give it a chance . I wanted to give us a chance and I acted out of impulse without thinking anyone can end up getting heartbroken. I told him yes . A yes to his question , a yes to his confession , a yes to his love .

He said he wanted to give me something although I am against gifts n all ( I prefer one wild flower over a bouquet of roses , one cola plastic ring over a metal ring , a toffee over the box of chocolates ) but I got excited too afterall it was from my first boyfriend . In the lunch break, we met again in 1st grade classroom . He said he wanted to give it later after school but excitement got the best of me . And I told him I wanna set whatever it is now and to give it to me now . I took the wrapped rectangular box . Seems like a notebook to me. I was happy he didn't go far away. I would have never accepted something expensive ( from anyone ) . I went to my class. Break was over . It was Social Studies' class when I decided to open the wrapped box. I ripped the white-raddish pink ribbon and the wrapping paper carefully. I opened it only to get my breath got knocked out of me. There was a beautiful double chained silver necklace with red and green beads and there were two matching earrings as well. I was shocked and guilty too that he had to do this for me . My friends looked at me sympathetically, it was just too much to take in.

"I had bought another one for you , but my sister liked it and exchanged hers with yours" he said awkwardly . 

That's why it was so heavily designed , his sister had bought it for her . She's his older sister and she didn't know about us yet . "I can't take it . Its too much."

"No its not. Wear it on the school picnic" he said . What !?no doubt the necklace was beautiful and it might go well with a indian saree or dress but on picnic we just wear comfy clothes . Everyone's gonna make fun of me . Even teachers would scold me definitely for wearing such a thing. I internally groaned . Why can't boys understand we can't wear anything anywhere .

" i can't bring it to home . My mom will kill me if she ever came to know about this necklace or us" i said . Which mother would like her 12 year old daughter dating her senior ? Atleast not MY mom. 

"Just hide it somewhere. No one will ask you . Tell her it's a gift from any of your friend" he said. Why don't he understand I'm old enough like him to receive gifts from friends and no friend would gift something like this. I can't keep it from mom if i hide it. 

"Its not possible Tarun. Really." i pleaded while he got a call. He cut the call. "No no. Keep it. I have to go . My dad is calling me. Bye and i'll look forward to you wearing it." And just like that he left . i sighed . The only solution i could find now was giving it to someone trusty to keep it. I gave it to my tuition bestfriend Tashi who was 2 years older than me .

Its been a week and a half since the necklace he gave me the necklace and i didn't wear it on picnic.He did'nt ask me why. I still remember how breathtaking he was looking. He wore a white full sleeve top with black designs , there was a scarf like design made with the cloth around his neck. He matched it with black paints with a belt that has the logo CK on it , He paired it with black polished slender shoes. His brown hair were gelled but looked long enough to run your fingers in it. To top it all he had that bad boy smirk on his lips. It was our last school picnic together . After that he'll be leaving the school.

 It's a school function today . Tashi had to perform a traditional style dance so she asked if she could wear the necklace during the dance. She was helping me. She had been keeping the necklace since that day, so without thinking i let her wear it. But when i saw her wearing it felt wrong , like i had let her take something that was not meant for her but me. Her friends marvelled over the necklace's beauty. I think Tarun noticed it too . he might have felt hurt seeing i never wore the necklace and let someone else wear it. After the function , Tashi told me that she won't be able to hide it anymore. Her mother saw the necklace and she had to say that i bought it for my mother's birthday. Her mother was naive enough to buy her lie but mine was not. I had to take it from her . Tarun still wasn't understanding my situation. I was stressed and anxious . I had to do something with the necklace. I acted out of impulse and wth a heavy heart , teary eyes and trembling hands i threw it in a drain. I shouldn't have done this. It was the only solution that came to my mind but it will hurt him for sure. But what's done has been done.

I don't deserve him . I don't even love him as much as he does. I don't know if I ever can... Also , I feel like I'm cheating my parents . The guilt is eating me alive from both sides. I don't Tarun to get hurt and my parents to feel betrayed. I come from a middle class family. My parents always supported me and me ignoring my studies and being with a boy at such a young age will surely make them feel betrayed. I will have to find a solution to not hurt my parents as well as make sure Tarun will not have to deal with my messed up life.

The best thing in a relationship is to communicate ; but I didn't. I never told him why and how I was feeling and even he didn't try to understand me or maybe he didn't know how to ( he might have though I was heartless , even I couldn't understand myself ).

We were okay... But I wanted to stop being in a relationship . It was just too much overwhelming for me. My little brain can't take so much stress . I would feel sad for no reason and would cry for no reason . I felt like i was not good enough . That i can't make him happy and i would always feel unhappy if i keep doing this . So i did the only thing i could thought of . 

"I have changed my mind. Sorry but now i want to say NO" I said . He didn't took it very well. I broke my heart seeing him cry. I never saw him cry and that was too because of me. I stood there like a statue not stopping him from crying . That i felt heartbroken even though it was him who was heartbroken. I felt guilty so muc like i need to repay him but i never got the chance . He gave his final exams , pass out and went to another school.

One day , he posted a quote and instantly tears prickled my eyes but nonetheless I smiled at my screen , the smile not reaching my eyes. His post wasn't directly for me but I knew better. He might not know but I knew him too well and I know what was in his post was what he really thinks. In his post, he called someone disloyal . He had a few more posts like this but this one was what made me throw my phone at the wall , shattering completely , like my heart.

He called me 'disloyal' and that broke me completely. Its not his fault. It was never his fault . It was always me. I felt crushed hearing him call my sincerity a disloyalty. I truly liked him but not as romantically as he liked me . I loved him but I knew I couldn't give him the love he wants , he deserves. If hadn't said it now , it will still happen in the future . I know myself and I know him . He won't be able to take the pain in the future .

If saving him from the pain , hurt and betrayal is being disloyal then I can say I will do it again and again till he gets completely away from me , my toxic feelings. I can't drag him in my mess. I know he will hate me . I can live with it. At least I know he won't suffer ever because of me . I can it is "A sincere disloyalty"