On Towards Repentance

You knew something was wrong, you just didn't know what. Your mom had called you for counseling a number of times and you said nothing a number of times. The lockdown was starting to wear you out. You wished school would begin but as soon as that thought came, you forbade it. You hadn't opened your books since the lockdown began except to tear a piece of paper for the grocery list. School was reality to you. There was no way you'd be this useless in school. What with the editorial team and fellowship and courses to cover and meetings to attend and friends to visit of course. Taking a break from school was like a raincheck on reality.

Everybody at home was complaining, everyone who had something worthwhile to do. That is, your mother and your elder sister, though she - elder sister - never said it out loud. Her subtle way of getting you involved in another one of her 'religious' activities irked you to no end and you couldn't help but be a bit rude. The rest, your dad and the other 7 kids were either just as useless or doing something meaningful but dishonest. Your standards hadn't fallen so low so you plainly avoided them - the dishonest ones.

You watch more movies than some people would ever watch in their lifetime. You're tired of reading dystopian fiction with female leads who are too strong willed for your liking and watching movies with annoying and unassuming female protagonists. You know they don't mean to, but still. You wonder how you even like Adichie's novels. You'd never be a feminist.

You were supposed to be on a diet but now you eat even when you're not hungry, for lack of something to do. 

You feel excited when you write and satisfied when you complete yet another short story, but when you read other's work, you wonder how you even call yourself a writer.

You take online classes for no reason except that your smart friends on social media are taking them. Stupid girl! You've started many and managed to complete only one before being sucked into the vortex of cliche movies, again. 

You think of your age and your coming birthday and you feel nothing but two D's; darkness and depression. Soon you'll be leaving home and you cannot for the life of you think of what you'd be doing or where you'd be working. You try to postpone the future in your head but it seems to be sprinting in reality.

You've stopped chatting online. You avoid any calls from any important person for fear you'd break down and spill your dead guts. You feel dead on the inside but it's a great thing you think, since it's just inside. Hence, nobody else knows, so you parade like the walking dead in no particular direction. 

You were called or rather texted for a job interview, but something about it made you sceptical. You tell your mom and she says: 'All the frequent kidnapping, are you sure it's not a ploy?' You think the same, but you say nothing, you just want to go somewhere that isn't church or market. She continues: 'And you say it's a hotel, aren't hotels supposed to be on lockdown too? Please don't go, I want you to be safe.' You knew she was going to say no so you aren't bothered in the least. Wasting away was probably better than getting kidnapped even if you don't agree. 

Your mom calls for another counseling session, this time with Kiara and Charlie, your equally useless younger sister and brother. She's worried. None of you are saying anything. Kiara has that close to annoyed look on her face with her mouth turned upward in an irregular sort of way. It disgusts you, even though you think nobody else can pull that look off the way she does. Charlie just keeps looking stupid as if wondering what he was doing there in the first place. Your mum's hurt because nobody is saying anything. You're almost tempted to talk, but three young eyes were looking so you shut up and tell yourself you'd talk to her privately. You knew you'd regret it because you recall the 100 other times you told yourself that. Gabe had sat in on the conversation too and was babbling about data to download more games. You wonder how your mom has the patience to listen to his rubbish.

You walk away and after reading award winning short stories that you hate because of the profuse vulgarity but can't avoid because you're trying to learn how to write in a certain way, your fingers find themselves clicking on your video player icon and your eyes find themselves watching another corny movie. 

You almost convince yourself not to write anything for the week's contest, but you're bored so you write anyways.

You finally make up your mind to be useful. You think of what to do. You've tried novels and online courses but having data somehow eventually leads to downloading movies no matter what. You search for places to volunteer and only one seems legit so you apply and wait. You apply for more online jobs but since you're not very active online, you don't think much of it. Imagining yourself active online is like imagining yourself with a boyfriend. Sweet to think of, almost impossible to implement. Dealing with people physically is manageable but virtually, you just want to zone out. You register for a webinar that you don't think you'll attend - It'll just make you feel worse. You decide to pray and you don't cry when you pray for yourself but the treacherous fluids come when you pray for your buddies. You read your Bible and listen to John Piper's passion 2020 sermon. You still complete the cheesey series you downloaded and promise yourself not to download another. You say nothing about collecting from your brothers though. You try hard to push the thought of continuing your diet far far away. 

      ***Three weeks later***

"These people must be stupid."

"Why's he acting like a girl?"

"I cannot believe this."

You're watching another movie and your eyes are weary from rolling.

It's time for bed and you put your gadgets away and begin to bless the name of the Lord.