One last time

Most people don’t know a relationship is failing until it’s over. For Maya, she knew long before the breakup, before April walked out, before the incident. If only she had done something when she had the chance. Now she sits a shell of herself, watching as the love of her life is lowered into the ground. Watching as the single greatest thing to happen to her gets covered in dirt, while people who barely knew her cry, handing her cheap flowers and empty sentiments of getting better with time. Maya gives out hollow thanks, doing everything she can not to fall to her knees and beg April to come back. After the funeral, she can barely move; she just sits unmoving believing sitting here long enough, not crying, or getting up or breathing too loudly, she can somehow bring April back. To fix it, to do something before it’s too late and she loses everything. Time doesn’t stand still in fact it seems to speed up and she knows she has to get up and go on. And if she can’t go on, at least go home where she can collapse. So she does just that, stripping off her black dress and shoes and sitting down in front of her vanity for the first time since the incident. Looking into the mirror she hardly recognizes herself. Her once bright eyes dulled and red from crying. Her collar bones jutted out from lack of eating. And her hair is in one big knot that she doesn’t bother fixing. She runs her hands along the vanity remembering all the times April would unpin her hair and brush it before bed. A sacred nightly ritual they did while they shared about their days. Well, April did most of the talking. Maya preferred to listen. Watching how animated and excited she got from telling the most mundane stories about her walk in the park or what she ate for lunch. To anyone else, these stories would be dull. But Maya would listen to every part intently not because it was interesting but because it was April. She would do anything for her, April’s smile when Maya would watch through the mirror as she flailed her arms and excitedly talk to her felt like the greatest reward. She couldn’t bear sitting at the vanity after the incident; she even considered throwing it away. Along with her bed and April’s clothes and perfume. Every time she got ready to throw them out she just couldn’t do it. Yes, the memories were painful, but they were hers. Instead of throwing them away, she would hold her lover's pillow to her face and sway, hugging it tightly kissing it hoping to feel the warmth of April’s lips. Pretending that April was still here and they were still happy. Slowly spinning around and dancing to their song. On days when she felt her worst she would spray April's perfume in their bedroom and dance for hours. Imagining what their wedding would have looked like in their first house or their first child. Today though Maya just couldn't, all she could do was sit and stare at the mirror. Then she saw something in the mirror staring back at her. The most beautiful pair of eyes she has ever seen, April’s. “April” she calls out she can’t believe it. All her pleads and prayers were answered. “Is it you?” she said tears welling in her eyes. “Yes, well not really it's part of me” April responded, coming closer and sitting beside Maya. “oh” was all Maya could say not wanting to ask any more questions for fear of the answers. “Look at me Maya please let me explain” April moved to grab her lover's hand. “ There is nothing to explain you left me, our promise, do you remember when you said we would love each other and never leave one another? Did that even matter to you?” Maya said, snatching her hand back. This is what Maya did best push people away with false accusations and her insecurities. Deep down she knew April loved her but it still hurt her having to have her so close yet so far. “Maya it was not about you and you know that I loved you more than anything or anyone. I know the incident was hard for you but I-” before she could finish her sentence Maya cut her off. “Stop calling it that, call it what it was a suicide, you committed suicide and it was all my fault”. Everyone has been tiptoeing around the word. Pretending that it was an accident or an incident. She was done pretending. If this was going to be their last conversation then it would be real. They owed themselves at least that. “It’s not your fault you did nothing but love me” April grabbed Maya’s hand again turning her body so they faced one another. Maya’s breath caught in her chest and tears filled her eyes. No matter how many times she saw April it always felt like the first. Her beauty never fails to catch her off guard. If Maya could she would spend eternity just admiring her, the way her eyes were the color of the earth yet shined like the sun. How her nose was pointed up in the most regal way. Or her smile that was too big for her face and a little uneven but so genuine that you couldn’t help but smile too. All these things on anyone else would be ordinary brown eyes, brown hair, and dark skin, but on her they shined and she stood out in any room she walked into. It wasn’t just her beauty that took Maya’s breath away, it was her warmth and spirit. Even now as she stares at a version of her, nothing else compares. " What are you thinking? '' April asks. "You are so beautiful and I let you down. It is my fault I should have seen the signs. I should have made sure you got help. I should have done more to save you because not being with you and being near you is a worse punishment than death” The tears in her eyes now falling. “ Maya there was nothing you could have done please don’t blame yourself I have been watching you and I can’t rest knowing you blame yourself it was my choice I just couldn’t do it anymore and I didn’t want to burden you with my issues,” April said using her thumb to wipe the tears from her eyes. April looked deeply into Maya’s eyes and felt a rush. Maya always talked about April’s beauty but to April there was nothing, not a single thing more intoxicating and beautiful than Maya. Even now with her face streaked with tears and bags under her dark eyes and tangles in her blonde hair, she remained stunning if not more so. She loved how she expressed herself and how she followed her emotions. The thing she loved most about Maya though was how she loved. Watching how she loved her family and how she loved her friends made April's knees weak. When she loved, she loved hard, sometimes too hard causing her to push people away to protect herself. To most people that would deter them but for April it made the other women all the more compelling. She loved the enigma that was Maya. “You could never burden me. I would have done anything to get you better to keep you here where you belong” Maya stood up, turning her back on the woman. She couldn’t handle this anymore. Talking about how she failed to protect the one thing she loved made her feel hopeless. “ We are never going to agree about this. I don't know how much time we have left but I won’t spend it arguing about things we can’t change. I love you too much for that to be our last memory together” April stood and walked around to once again face Maya. Maya stayed silent, crossing her arms in an act of defiance. April chuckled thinking how much she would miss her. “May I have this dance my love?” she said, pulling Maya into her chest. “ Yes,” she said, relinquishing into the hold. They began to sway in one spot, heads pressed together and eyes closed. “ So am I better than that pillow?” April said quietly. “So much better” Maya responded, trying to get closer and hold her tighter, too afraid to let go. They stayed like this for a while and the whole world felt like it stopped just for them. Eventually, April began to disentangle herself. “ No no no no” was all Maya could say she knew her time was up. “ Maya listen to me ok you will be ok” April hated this she almost wished she didn’t visit she couldn’t stand knowing she was hurting her again. “How? Huh, how can I be ok and live in a world without you? We were supposed to do this together, remember?” Maya cried out. “You will be ok because you are strong and you will never be alone I’m keeping my promise we are doing this together I will always be there just look up at the sky or press a hand to your heart or even dance with that silly pillow and know I’m there listening and watching I know it hurts now but one day you are going to wake up and it’s won’t feel so bad and eventually I will be nothing more than an occasional memory you revisit in your dreams or think about when you see a picture of us, I know you loved me but you will love again and this time it will be forever” April said joining in the tears. Watching Maya move on is going to hurt but she will because she can’t hold on to her forever. She gave up that right when she took those pills. “ I already do love someone forever and she will never be a distant memory or just a picture in a frame she was and is so much more than that” Maya said leaning in and meeting April in a kiss. “I love you” April said as she faded away. “I love you more,” Maya said to a now empty room. She smiled a broken shattered smile and she climbed into her bed laying on April’s side smelling the pillow. She knew tomorrow the smile would be gone and she would awaken patting for someone who won’t be there but right now she didn’t care. Maybe she was going crazy, maybe April was never there and she just hallucinated from lack of sleep, she didn’t care. All she cared about was that she got to dance with her one last time, feel her one last time kiss her one last time. She knows the next time she dances with her pillow kissing and wishing for her, she may not see her but April is there dancing, kissing and wishing for her too.