Red or Blue?

Red or blue? She couldn’t make up her mind about choosing between the blue and the red dress in the store like she couldn’t about most other things. It was the red that had first caught her eye but blue was really her color. She couldn’t possibly be seen wearing the bright shade of red to work. But if she were to buy the blue, it would make it the fourth blue in her wardrobe this season. She decided to come back the following day after making up her mind. The next day, she purposefully strode up to the shelf where she had found it. But it was missing. ”Madam, sorry it is already sold. We have a red in the same pattern. Would you like to try it on?”, the young shop assistant offered helpfully. “No, thank you. I don’t wear bright colors”, she walked out of the store.

They said it was a typical Libran trait. Librans were always trying to balance things. But it was really frustrating to be born under a sun-sign that made indecisiveness a genetic disability. Her family and friends dreaded going shopping with her because she would make them walk the length and the breadth of the market and return, most of the times, without making a single purchase. Not able to decide between high heels and flats, the clutch and the tote, the pashmina stole and the poncho, she would helplessly turn to them for their advice.  More often than not, they would approve the one that she seemed to have set her heart on so that they could get back home as soon as possible. To make up for their patience, she would offer to treat them to cappuccino and brownies at the nearest Café or filter coffee and dosas at the Indian restaurant. But she would decide to take them home for samosas and Darjeeling tea in a last-minute change of plans. Her friends had gotten used to her whims over the years but still found it exasperating to adjust to her fickle impulses. 

She would promise herself that she would not agonize over making simple choices and learn to make quick decisions. But it was not an addiction that one could give up at will since it appeared to have been divinely ordained.  So, she had no choice but to live with it like one does with all chronic ailments. Every day offered an array of choices that she had learnt to take in her stride. She would lay out a number of outfits every morning and decide on the one she would finally wear a few minutes before she left for work. Should she walk to work or hire a cab? Should she pack her lunch or eat in the office canteen? Should she stay late and complete her to do list for the day or bring work home? Should she stop over for a cup of tea at her friend’s place or call her after reaching home? Most decisions would taken out of her hand for which would be immensely grateful. Such as a particular dress not fitting or the cab not showing up, the canteen shutting down or server breakdown at the workplace, friend not being at home or something equally providential. Social events were a torture because one wasn’t sure who would be wearing what, whether one should arrive early or fashionably late, whether to eat before leaving or stay on to dinner, whether to buy a gift or give cash.

Then came a day when she needed to make the most difficult choice of her life. It was a day like any other but in hindsight it was the most important day in her life. It was the day she received a blue envelope by air mail that she had been expecting for a week. She couldn’t wait to go home to open it. Gingerly, dreading the decision, she tore it open her eyes scanning it for the single line regret letters that she had received so far. But no, her gaze was fixed on the single word followed by an exclamation mark, “Congratulations!”. She quickly skimmed through the rest before sitting down to read every line carefully. She had to read it three times for the contents to sink in. She had been offered a prestigious fellowship at one of the top universities in the world and had to communicate her decision within the next two weeks. This was the opening she had been waiting for ever since she completed her undergraduate degree. The opportunity to follow her dreams had now presented itself. She would be able to read all the books she had wanted to but couldn’t afford to buy them or borrow them from the local libraries. She would be able to meet all the Professors whose names spelt magic. She would be able to interact with the best students from all across the world. The romance of the river, the nature walks, the medieval architecture, the collegiality beckoned her to the city. She couldn’t wait to share the news with the person who mattered most in her life. Her fiancée who had encouraged her to apply for the fellowship in the first place.

She dialed his number to break the news to him. No, he would be driving back home now and might not take the call. She began to compose a message. “I have got the fellowship”. But it did not seem right. She changed the words, added exclamation marks and even emojis. But they were unable to convey her excitement. She deleted all the messages and chose a simple one. “Need to tell you something. Can you come over”, she sent it?  She waited all evening for him to show. “Would he, would he not?”, she began to pace around the room restlessly. But it did not work. So, she decided to turn to her time-tested stressbuster, dusting and tidying the room. She dusted the three-seater sofa and the chairs, the rattan couch and the paintings on the wall, the books and the shelves on which they were kept, the frolicking Ganesha and the smiling Buddha. She fluffed the cushions and arranged the magazines on the coffee table. But the hour just did not seem to pass. She had another idea. To cook his favorite meal. She went into the kitchen and began to chop the vegetables. In the meanwhile, she had left the dal to cook in the pressure cooker. By the time she was done with washing the vegetables, the dal was done and she tossed the vegetables in a wok and covered it with a heavy lid to cook slowly in their own water. All she needed to do was to make hot rotis that could be left until just before he came. She set the table for two placing the flowers she had received that morning in a crystal vase and placed the candle stand next to the vase. She pulled out the lace table mats and placed fine bone china dinnerware on them. The mood was just right. Get the rotis done and wrap them in the warmer. A quick shower and she was all ready to greet him when the doorbell rang. He had already reached home when he received her message but decided to come because he had an equally important news to share with her. She gave him a hug and served him his favorite curry and sautéed vegetables with hot phulka. The news could wait until they had finished their dinner.

But he had his own news to share. “You first”, she whispered to him playfully as he held her even though she could hardly hold back her excitement. He reached out in his pocket to pull out something and gently extricated himself from her arms. “Let me see if it fits”, he said and slipped an exquisite diamond ring on her finger. “I am going on thirty and I am due for a promotion next month. My parents want us to get married within a couple of months. Will you marry me?” he murmured softly in her ears. He began to share their plans for the wedding. The priest had found an auspicious date. His parents had promised him a grand wedding in one of the resorts that belong to the luxury hotel chained that his uncle headed and they had booked a honeymoon package for them in an exotic location. They had called one of the best designers in the city to coordinate their outfits for the wedding and all the seven days of the rituals connected with it. The designer had called them for a fitting over the weekend and the jeweler needed to take her measurements for the bracelets. He looked at her lovingly and waited for her response. “Do you want any other designer honey? You don’t want to go to this country? We will do whatever you would like to”, he asked softly. A host of emotions rushed through her leaving her expressionless. “Is there anything wrong, please tell me,” he asked. 

She had dreamt of this day ever since they had met. This was the wedding of her dreams. The diamond ring, the designer, the resort, the honeymoon location had all been her favorite choices. Why was she not happy? She sat down to collect herself and forced a smile. “Nothing at all”, she said and then pushed the blue envelope in his direction. “What is it?”, he had completely forgotten about the fellowship application he had helped her prepare. He read it at one go and took in its contents. “Oh my god! You made it”, he exclaimed, “Why are you looking so sad? Isn’t this what you wanted?” “Yes, I did”, she said in a wistful voice, “I have been asked to join within a month”.  It was his turn to look crestfallen. “But you can’t do that. Our wedding date has been fixed. I have brought our wedding card samples for you to choose from”, he stated in a flat tone. She looked at him helplessly and tried to plead with him, “But If I don’t take it up, it will be given to the next person on the list. You know what it means to me”. “Yes, I do”, he nodded, “But you know what the wedding means to me. I have been waiting for you all these years”. He left the wedding card samples on the table with the words, “Do let me know by tomorrow morning what you want to do. The choice is entirely yours.”

She was too tired even to put away the dishes. She went straight to bed and decided to sleep over it. But she lay awake all-night tossing and turning in her bed. She had less than 12 hours to make the most important decision of her life. She considered every choice carefully.  She could write to the University and request them to let her defer her joining. But the letter clearly stated that she was expected to join before the term began and assist with the teaching. Perhaps she could talk the administration into giving her another month to join. She could get married the following month, go on her honeymoon and join the University. This would be like having her cake and eating it too. She tried to explore the next best option. She could talk to him the following morning and reason with him that they could postpone their wedding to the following year. She could complete her essential residential requirement and return home to do her fieldwork and submit her dissertation. But the finality with which he spoke told her that he was not going to accept that option. The last choice to take up the offer and take the risk of breaking the marriage if the need arose. She closed her eyes and saw the majestic building of the University set against the backdrop of beautiful mountains, the faces of the Professors she could recognize from their photographs, the classroom and the labs, the theatre and the café she had heard about. She opened her eyes to check if she was dreaming. She closed them and saw his compassionate eyes and his gentle smile and slipped into contented sleep. The answer will reveal itself to her. Let the decision be made without her having to make a choice. She woke up to the shrill sound of the alarm the next morning and picked up the newspaper slipped under the door.  

All visas had been temporarily stopped due to an emergency situation. All students accepted in universities would be eligible to join the following year. Once again, she had left the decision to powers higher than her and it had worked.