California Beaches

The bubbly champagne trickles down her throat as Piper gazes onto Santa Monica’s beach from her hotel suite.  It was new year’s eve and she had nowhere else to go so she bought herself a nice hotel room overlooking the ocean.  Sitting on her balcony she hears the waves crashing, sees the palm trees swaying, and hears the tourists laughing.  It’s her birthday.  She finally has enough money to buy a hotel room somewhere nice.  Somewhere she had dreamed of going all her life. 

When Piper was in high school she always kept a collage of California beaches on her walls.  It was her motivation to get out of the small town of Portales, New Mexico.  Every New Year, she cut pictures of beaches out or magazines she found in a bin at the library.  It was on her vision board to move to California, live near the beach, and buy her parents a house every year until it wasn’t a vision anymore, it was her reality. 

Piper was labeled a nerd and bullied by Stacey, this older girl that had blonde hair, big boobs, and severe dyslexia keeping her from doing well in school.  Stacey shoved Piper against a locker, spread rumors that Piper hooked up with a special needs student, and locked Piper in a closet at a party.  Piper just remembered that Stacey hated her because she wanted to be her.  Piper had potential.  Potential that would leave everyone in that high school in the dust.  She daydreamed of blues skies and ocean waves while she studied relentlessly, competed in speech and debate, volunteered with her church, and created the resume of an all-star student.  Every missed party, every cute boy, every high school dalliance was pushed aside.  Leaving the cows, tumbleweeds, and dyslexic Stacy to go to the University of California Los Angeles. 

Now it’s New Year’s Eve, and as sunset was nearing, she takes her cup and decides to walk to Santa Monica Pier. Walking onto the clean sidewalks, roller skaters zoomed by, drummers line the sidewalk, and the ocean air filled her lungs.  She strolls barefoot on the sand.  Each step sinks into the sand then she pulls her feet out.  The resistance as it pulls her in then she pulls her feet out.  The tingle of each little tiny bead moving across her feet was always so strangely refreshing.  

She passes Ivy at the Shore where she and her ex-boyfriend Lucas went for breakfast before exploring the Abbot Kinney Street Festival. She remembers the ridiculous prices and the fruity drinks.  They spent the day wandering around the area which was packed with day-drinking locals and artisan craftsmen.  By the end of the day, they walked onto the beach with some beers and said, “I love you,” for the first time. The flicker of the memory made Piper smile and she quietly took another sip of champagne.

Lucas and she broke up a month ago because she was so focused on her work that she stopped paying attention to him.  Lucas wasn’t on her vision board.  When she told her parents they broke up they said, “He’s jealous of your success.”  And the voice of Lucas echoed in her head, “Your parents don’t care about your well-being, they care that you pay their mortgage.” 

She passes under Santa Monica Arch where the congestion of humans converges.  To the left is The Lobster, a fancy restaurant she worked at while she was in school. For her graduation, she treated her family to dinner there.  Her little sister’s eyes couldn’t stop looking at the ocean.  It was the first time she ever got to see it.  When her mom got up from the table she twinged with pain.  Her back injury was getting worse and her mom couldn’t afford to stop working. It was nice to see her dad nervously indulge in his pasta and her mom’s shoulders shimmy when she had a sip of wine. 

After graduating with a degree in Economics, Piper worked as a Jr. Financial Analyst and she gave ¼ of each paycheck to her family.  On the side, she did bookkeeping for a small cafe and even picked up shifts as a Postmates driver.  She lived with roommates so her mom could afford her medication, she shopped at a discount store so her little sister always had school supplies, and she rarely went out so that their mortgage was paid.  Every dollar is for survival and is rarely enjoyed.  

Strolling down the narrow bridge passing by the cramped parking lot.  She can see the Ferris Wheel turning in the distance flashing technicolor lights.  Someone is playing 80’s songs on a saxophone for tips. The roar of the roller coaster gets louder. She takes a moment to admire the Route 66 sign that says, “End of the Trail.” 

This was the first place she came to when she moved to LA. Her roommate Lana, whom she met on Craigslist, came with her.  She was born and raised in California. Lana enjoyed seeing her eyes light up in awe of the street performers, the expansive beach views, and the laughing children darting up and down the boardwalk.  “Don’t worry, one day you’ll roll your eyes when someone wants to come to the pier,” Lana laughed.  

Eventually, Lana got sick of asking Piper to come out to the clubs because she’d never say yes.  Each no to a social event, their friendship dwindled to nothing. Lana is not an Instagram story that Piper gets to witness from the comfort of her bed.  

Piper stands at the edge of the pier overlooking the ocean as the sun starts to fade into the horizon.  The sunset streaks the sky in soft yellows and pinks that contrast against the blue of the water.  The soft waves of the ocean splash against the pier.  Families laughing, hugging, and joking around her. She feels her own silence contrast with the sounds of happiness.  This is the place she always dreamed of being.  She hadn’t even thought about who she wanted to be here with.

All the things on her LA to-do list didn’t amount to emotional fulfillment. While she was trying to escape cow pastures and thrift clothes, she forgot to enjoy a mimosa with friends or hold hands with the love of her life. While working towards promotions, she never worked on relationships. And now she’s spending New Year’s Eve, living her vision board drenched in loneliness.  As the sky transformed into cotton candy and the cool ocean air caressed her skin, she couldn’t enjoy it with the aching loneliness. 

Overcome by the sadness she finishes her drink, slips off her shoes and quickly jumps off the railing, and plummets into the ocean.  The crowd screams and gathers to watch her emerge in the freezing cold water.  Are these the waters going to carry her to happiness?