Mind-plode

Mind-plode

Auuuuuh. Fresh air. It's nice to come out of the house once in a while. At least a short walk, like this, is refreshing. 

How long has it been since I have been coming out like this without carrying a diaper bag, pushing a stroller, or pampering a whining kid? 

Corona is terrible for sure, but for few creatures like the dolphins, fishes, trees, and me, it has done some good, I should say. With Vijay at home for a week, I am able to social distance from him and the kids for a while, just for a little over half hour though, but peaceful.

Alright, what was that, that I wanted to think during my walk today? 

What? What-What?

 I am not able to remember. I thought of something last night, just before sleep. 

Is it about the job hunt? 

ugh... no calls are getting scheduled. Something must be wrong with my resume, not even contracting recruiters are giving me a call. 

Or, is it about my weight loss plan? The protruding belly?... 

Nope. I don't think so.

 I want to do exercise, but hardly I get some time for a walk, how do I run or do yoga.. I don't feel any motivation to sweat. It's been years I have had them at least... five years... before kids, no.... even before that, before the marriage. I should at least cut sugar and carbs out. I keep telling me this, but I just don't do it. Till lunch, I manage to stay strict on my diet, but once my hunger pangs give way midafternoon, like…today, I go into the kitchen and quickly gulp a candy before rushing into any other thoughts. 

You mean good thoughts?

Self-control. The freaking will power is lacking. I used to be remarkably self-controlled.

 Right? During school and college days. What happened to me? Is it the hormones? Something to do with postpartum depression?

If I tell my husband this, he either doesn't take it seriously or blackmail me into telling his parents or the worse to my parents. Or, it would just bring out the fight like what we had two weeks ago, silly things. It won't do any good. 

But seriously, something is wrong with me. Isn't it? 

I get up late. I am unorganized. I sleep in the afternoons, sometimes till the afternoons. Don't engage with kids. Don't cook well. No laundry. No writing. No job. 

Shit man. Okay, cool, nothing... nothing. Everything is alright. 

I should focus on positive things. Good things. Hopeful things. I am just 30. 

But, hadn’t I always wanted to publish a book by 30? 

And I haven't even started yet. 

Okay, that's not positive, what's positive? 

I am 30 and already have two kids, well I am settled. At least in terms of family and kids, I am. 

Right? Now, what's next? Career?

Oh, It's nowhere. I mean... struck in the middle, like my life. Neither in the beginning nor the end. 

Okay, again concentrate, positivity. At least for a month now, you have been hearing to Jay Garfield's lectures. I should have learned something from it. 

Ufff…. Ahh.. Wow…look that young kid over there is riding the same kind of tricycle Vinny has. He must be just the only three or even lesser, yet he is riding like a champ. I wonder when Vinny will drive like this? She doesn't seem to understand the steering, or the pedals, or the cycle itself .. she just wants her helmet.

Well, not wholly her mistake, when have I spent time teaching to make her ride, two trips up and down inside the home doesn't make good practice, that too on the carpet. 

Okay.. back to me.. back to me.. passion… writing…

I should at least start writing to the Reedsy contests, I always think of it, but I just end up reading the winner’s, couple of others’ stories, each Friday, and promise myself to submit a story next week, but then.. I just pass…. house chores, mommy job, cooking, cleaning, kids, they take away all my time. Also, writing on a prompt is not as easy as I initially thought. Those writers are really great. I just ponder half the week choosing a prompt and the second half just waiting to read the winner's stories to get awed by them, which seems much easier than coming up with a story on my own.

 Hmm... I should now rest for some time. I don't know why I am getting tired so soon. I haven't even walked over a mile now. Okay, let me sit on that bench for some time. I wish I had brought some disinfectant. 

Oh, no.. that uncle, he seems to be old, I better keep a seven feet distance from him, no one knows who is carrying the time bomb of the virus, even the grocery shopping seems to be dreadful. 

Smile.. smile.. smile… and just slide away from him. 

I should better take the pavement around the apartment. This trail around the park is way too crowded. Why don't people just stay at home? 

Okay, now.. rest…

It's chilly, even in April, I wonder when we shall get all summer and when all this mess gets cleared up, but then I could no more come to these walks. I will miss these walks for sure. 

But it's is not right to find pleasure in this time of crisis.

Yeah, many people have lost lives. Look at the numbers in Italy.. 

Oh no... It’s worse, and US numbers are just rocketing. 

And this Trump... the economy... 

Whoa...

Everything is scary. Ufff…I just hope all this ends soon. I don't want these walks anymore.

Well, I could come to walks with both kids.

 I will buy a double stroller next month, and then I would have to carry those diaper bags, and…

hmmm… no biggie, Sammy would like a seat beside his sissy, so I should be pretty good in managing them that way for a couple of months.

Hmm.. but why am I thinking of this now, wasn't I thinking of something else, well what was it? 

Suck it. I totally lost track of what I was thinking. 

Arjun.. Arjun... Arjun....

Shit. Why him? It's been seven years since we broke up. I met someone else, married, and have got kids now. It’s been years I saw him, spoke to him, yet, out of nowhere, his name pops up my mind.

Is it just the name or him?

Oh, please, no. Not him.. Never him.. 

Oh really? 

Yes, really and... I was thinking about... writing. Yeah, if ever there is a prompt in Reedsy, something like the thoughts inside a brain or the discourses of the minds, I just could dump all my thoughts there, well, maybe I could even be the winner. 

Okay.. no getting ahead of myself.

Firstly, I should write something and then send it. That itself is an accomplishment. 

Considering what I am doing with my life now...Small steps, one step at a time. 

I can do it. 

Come on, Rithu.You can do it. You just need some motivation, a spark, a fire in you.

Ah… I should better hurry, its dinner time and I am sure Vijay at home would just be taking calls and nothing else, I wonder what the kids are doing. I better bring my phone tomorrow. 

But, no, I don't want to—no electronics to the walk, or else whole time I will just spend swiping Instagram or twitter. 

I am damn sure he would not have fed the kids, nor done anything else. And the mess they make at home by now is for me to clear up, let me hurry now. But for sure, I should do something at least this week, I mean today, after Vinny, Sammy and Vijay sleep.

I should sneak away to the closet, only there I can find some personal space,and write something or apply for a couple of jobs and maybe prepare for some certifications online. It's high time I take control of my life, well I should live like…. my life, my rules. 

You can do it… 

You have said this many times.. 

No, no, you can do this. 

You say all this when you get some high, like on a brisk walk or when you are super low, just before hitting the bed, you are all motivated but the next minute poof, nothing.

No, this time it's going to be different, I can see it, I can smell it. It is going to be all bright and shiny and purple.

Purple? Why purple?

Whatever... It is going to be fine, listen to me, trust me. We can do this. Life is simple: don't complicate it. 

I should better run home. It's five already, the kids must be hungry, and after dinner, I have got to do laundry and then vacuum this evening. And the dishes… run run run..

Oh shit, where is this glove?

I just have one in my jacket, oh no, I must have dropped the other one somewhere, now I have to go back, searching…

Shit Rithu. Can't you make sure you carry all your belongings well? And why do you need a winter glove during spring? Just to stuff them in your pockets to lose one?

 What if I just leave it there, maybe I can take it tomorrow, no one is gonna steal it, right?

 But, It's 30 dollars. I don't want to lose it.

It's okay, let me just go back quickly. 

The kids?

Let them starve for some time. It's okay. No ship is going to sink. It's not like I didn't make dinner at all, it's all done and ready on the pans in the kitchen, they just need to serve it for themselves, why, can't he do even that for himself and the kids? 

If my mom in law listens to this, that's it. She would summon the whole hometown of her’s back in India. 

“How well had I brought up my son, just to get him tortured by his wife?” she would scream.

Is it my mistake that he loses weight? He is shedding his pounds on the treadmill. Why should I be blamed for that? The other day, she saw him take the trash out on the video call, and just sighed as if only he is doing all the house chore as if picking the dirt is only the lady's job. 

Damn… man. Damn.. I say. 

Wait. I remember passing by this light pole and removing my glove here.

Yeah, while I waved at the old man, right?

Wave? No, you just smiled.

Then, the glove must be somewhere around.

But there is no glove here. It’s not even windy, where is it? 

Did someone steal a lonely glove? Who is that pathetic?

Check yourself up, now, properly.

Oops, it’s in the jeans pocket.

 Damn Rithu. You do things of no use. You just ponder over for something that you already have. This is what I say, didn't you have a moment to check yourself properly. Useless…

Okay, okay, cool cool, Thank God, it’s not lost. Now, really, hurry up. The kids must be starving. 

Now, I have hardly fifteen minutes to go home. My alone time for the day is ending. What should I think? 

Something refreshing, positive, hah…

I really liked the Netflix movie last night, Mowgli, kind of… adultish, nice. I liked the take on how humans behave to animals, nice, just that Vinny didn't like the Shere Khan dead at the end, poor girl wants everyone to live in harmony, how do I tell her that's not the way the world works? hamm…. she is just like me when I was her age. 

Eventually, she will learn, just like me. But I have to teach her more discipline, organization, the right attitude.

Well, if it were in my hands, I would teach her.. I mean… preach her… never to marry.

Huh..? Why? That’s very sadistic...  no, no, no... no, negativity on my kids.

 All is well, the world is a fair place, and all human beings are good, blah-blah-blah... is what I need to tell her. 

Okay, enough of the movie, seriously, I should write something this week.

As soon as I reach home, I am going to see what this week's prompts are and …

… And then start thinking of a story, hmm??

What about dinner? 

Two minutes, just two minutes, it wouldn’t take more than that to see what the prompts are. 

Couldn't they wait for two more minutes? 

Let them starve if they can't, who cares.

Well, I do.

But really, I have to start living for myself right, first, look at what the prompts are and then eat the dinner. I should submit a story this week. I promise. 

Okay, not promise-promise.

But really, I should, and I will. 

Cool.

Cool.

Cool, then, what else?

Enough of thoughts. Just a few more minutes to get home, let me think of some good music..

shubidubidaba, subhidubidaba.. subhidubidaba.. ribbarabbarabarabe….. 

That’s not a song.. There is no song like this. 

Still, the tune is kinda cute, isn’t it?….  

shubidubidaba, subhidubidaba.. subhidubidaba.. ribbarabbarabarabe.

I should try making some music. I am really good at it.

Well, no, you are not.

Okay, cool, enough of passions, no more additions to the list for to-dos or for never going to-dos list just keep it open, keep life simple, everything will fall into place.

Now, it’s really late. Let me take this shortcut. It would only take two minutes to reach home.

I should hurry. 

But Rithu... remember, you are going to write today and then spend some time applying for new jobs and then at least thirty minutes studying for interviews.

Okay, deal. I better follow it. 

shubidubidaba, subhidubidaba.. subhidubidaba.. ribbarabbarabarabe. shubidubidaba, subhidubidaba.. subhidubidaba.. ribbarabbarabarabe.. shubidubidaba, subhidubidaba.. subhidubidaba.. ribbarabbarabarabe

2364 steps, not bad.

 I should wear this MI band throughout the day, not just during the walks. Only then, I will be able to know how much I am burning every day. 

Okay reached.....

Oh no, what is all this mess, all these toys, spilled milk, dismantled playmats, oh no, chocolate stains on the walls. 

Shit man!

And as expected, no one has eaten yet they all have munched on some junk. Okay, hurry… clear this up and then dinner, cause I’m hungry. 

Then vacuum, laundry, dinner, dishes, read to kids lots to do. 

Hurry, Rithu.

Twenty-Two hours later….

Auuuuuh. Fresh air. It's nice to come out of the house once in a while. At least a short walk, like this, is refreshing. 

How long has it been since I have been coming out like this without carrying a diaper bag, pushing a stroller, or pampering a whining kid? 

Corona is terrible for sure, but for few creatures like.. the dolphins, fishes, trees, and me, it has done some good, I should say. With Vijay at home for a week, I am able to social distance from him and the kids for a while, just for a little over half hour though, but peaceful.

Alright, what was that, that I wanted to think during my walk today? 

What? What-What?

 I am not able to remember. I thought of something last night, just before sleep. 

Shit, I did nothing yesterday. I didn't write a word. Neither applied for jobs nor studied for interviews. I just spent the whole evening watching YouTube videos.

Well, it’s Wednesday already, I will just wait for Friday to read the winner's story, but next week I will surely submit a story. 

But, at least tonight, I should spend some time applying for some jobs and preparing for some interviews. 

Well, that’s what you said yesterday.

Shut up. Just shut up. What's happened is happened, let bygones be bygones, focus on what's in your hands now, I mean, like right now. Today, you are preparing for interviews, and next week you are writing a story… deal?... 

Shubidubidaba, subhidubidaba.. subhidubidaba.. ribbarabbarabarabe

Oh… no.. this tune is just stuck in my mind, did I hear this somewhere or did I invent this, it’s so cool.

Shubidubidaba, subhidubidaba.. subhidubidaba.. ribbarabbarabarabe…. Shubidubidaba, subhidubidaba.. subhidubidaba.. ribbarabbarabarabe….