How I transformed my life

Defectiveness is a prison. At its extreme, it is a schema that has origins in one’s childhood and affects all aspects of life, unless treated.

At its core, it means that the person suffering from this schema feels inadequate, unwanted, unworthy and generally inferior than others. 

I grew up believing all my life that I was unworthy of love and attention and that I deserved it only if I was at my best behavior. As a coping mechanism, clinginess was a big part of all my relationships - from casual friendships in school to long-term romantic relationships later in life. From the depths of agony and despair, I asked my sister once if success came to you only if you were perfect. When I was much younger, I would often call up my family physician and ask him for intervention - to talk to my parents because it was too lonely and I was so often misunderstood.

The transformation did not happen overnight. It wasn’t until I was forty and I wanted to learn how to deal with issues at a new job that I had just started. I found a schema therapist and the journey of a thousand miles began.

During meetings, I came back to the present moment when my mind wandered off. In meditation practise, this is called not living in the past - that is not regretting and brooding over mistakes that we might have made whether big or small. To the brain, there is no difference between big regrets/mistakes or small regrets/mistakes. The brain only recognizes the present moment as a place of true happiness. There are big gains to this approach. When the eye notices the environment,like the color of the walls or the room temperature; the ear focuses on the things people are saying; the nose smells something distinctive; the mouth tastes water; and the fingers touch the cool glass of water - the brain is fully focused on the present moment. As a result, defectiveness simply melts away. I used this exercise of grounding all the five senses whenever I found my mind wandering into the past or thinking negative thoughts that had clearly no basis.

I was born in a middle-class family but some years we had to really struggle because my father was frequently out of job. We were also a big family so providing for all the kids was definitely an uphill task for my mother. However I went to the best schools in the city and later to the best university. I was also lucky to pass the national competitive exam and was inducted into regular government service. There was absolutely nothing to indicate lack of ability in meeting my job responsibilities. Even then I was hypersensitive to light criticism and would ruminate over feedback received. I would look for hidden meanings and assume the body language to be negative when interacting with colleagues. This would lead to a spiral of negative thinking.

In schema therapy, you have the help of a schema flashcard. I used it often to give myself a reality check and behavioral instruction whenever a negative thought got triggered by filling out the blanks. If I was in a meeting and couldn't check the flashcard that was lying in my office drawer, it was still easy to recall how I had filled it and come back to the present moment. 

Being in the present moment also did wonders for my job. When I was asked to take minutes, I was alert and able to note things almost verbatim. I also learned a lot from different meetings because my mind was not preoccupied. Eventually I became an expert on the transport issues in my city and the government’s role in it. My defectiveness was replaced with renewed confidence in my abilities.

My transformation had a positive impact on my relationships as well. I was able to draw boundaries because my self-worth grew by leaps and bounds. Instead of begging for friendships and depending on the morsels of attention from other people to feel good about myself, I learned to depend on my internal resources such as brain dump exercise. Every night, before going to bed, I would put my day’s worries on paper. This improved my sleep and I felt happy and energetic when I woke up.

My therapist also suggested an app to meditate. I used it to meditate daily and there is evidence in science that meditation improves dopamine levels in the brain, which is the chemical responsible for making us feel relaxed and happy. I also notice that if I meditated even for 30 seconds before going into a meeting, I was far less reactive and handled difficult conversations well.

In life, we have dreams that we would like to have been realized. After experiencing transformation, I applied to top graduate schools in the world, with limited access to resources since I resided in a third-world country and I didn't know anybody who had been in my shoes and could help me through the process. The process looked daunting also because I had never lived in another culture and the programs were highly competitive and selective.

I used meditation to motivate myself and enhanced the levels of self-care to pull through this difficult time. Again, with defectiveness gone, I am able to compete with applicants from all over the world while living the life of my dreams.

Earlier I mentioned that schema of defectiveness originates from childhood, when a primary care giver is hyper critical of the child and is also unpredictable in expressing love. Since a child is totally dependent on the parent for survival, anything that the parent does appears completely real to the child. If a child feels loved, it is a natural expectation to him, as he grows up. The opposite is true as well. Therefore a little self-compassion can go a long way on this journey. Reiterating one's worth to one self, once a day or as many times as one may need, can negate the fall out one may experience from a negative event.