My truth

“And 1, 2, stop, drop, 3, 4, spin and pop. Take it low and up, here we go, 5, 6, 7, 8!” This 8 count was on repeat in Tavia's head like a broken record she didn’t want to hear at the moment. She knew the dance steps so well she could literally perform it in her sleep and that’s the reason she was tossing and turning all night. That morning, she auditioned for the gig of a lifetime and was excited about more opportunities coming her way, but she felt troubled. She never wanted to seem ungrateful about the wonderful life created through dance but she desired a break from the madness, at least for a little bit. 

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Tavia was introduced to dance at the tender age of 4 by her grandmother who was a dancer. Her Jee-Ma, as she affectionately called her, shared many stories of traveling to exotic destinations, meeting famous people, and dressing up in lavish costumes. Tavia remembers closing her eyes as her Jee-ma talked and visualized herself dancing next to her, shimmying and spinning too. She soon was walking in her Jee-ma's shoes and couldn’t wait to invite her grandmother to her first performance as a dancer on Broadway. She remembered how her Jee-ma's eyes lit up with pride when she ran from backstage to hug her after the show. 

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Not only was her Jee-ma her biggest supporter, Christmas became her grandmother’s favorite holiday because she looked forward to receiving Tavia's invitation to the Nutcracker play in the mail. She was so pleased to witness her granddaughter float across the stage like a graceful black swan. Tavia did not want to disappoint her grandmother but the long days of touring and even longer nights of practicing were catching up to her.  

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She was torn between keeping her responsibility as a dancer or kicking back and living a little. Tavia, at 20 years old, began to reminisce about her 14 year career and it dawned on her that she had sacrificed many holidays, family gatherings, and best friend dates all in the name of dance. During the holidays, she was always in another city, dancing to another song, learning another choreographed piece, and listening to strangers repeatedly clap for a job well done. Tavia said to herself “This holiday will be different. It has to be different”. Not convinced by her statement, Tavia shook her head, reluctantly got out the bed, and got dressed for dance class. 

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Time slowly dragged by that day and on many occasions, Tavia caught herself mindlessly daydreaming versus focusing on practice. Her instructor/mentor, Ms. Gibbons, noticed Tavia didn’t have the same flair and energy in practice like she usually did. Whenever it was a call for volunteers to show a routine to less seasoned dancers, Tavia was first in line but that was not the case today. It was glaringly obvious that Tavia had something weighing on her mind. Ms. Gibbons, in her quiet manner, waited until Tavia looked in her direction. When she caught her eye, Ms. Gibbons nodded towards the door. Tavia knew she was caught and tried to lighten her demeanor by the time she reached the hallway but she was so emotional, she couldn’t fake it.

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Ms. Gibbons immediately held her arms out and Tavia melted in her embrace. “What’s wrong my dear?” Tavia tried to suppress her emotions but the dam she built to separate her vulnerability from her on-stage presence was breaking. With no interest in ‘saving face' any longer, Tavia told Ms. Gibbons about her emotional struggle. Ms. Gibbons intently listened like she normally did and once Tavia stopped talking, Ms. Gibbons stated four words: “Live in your truth". Tavia was slightly confused because Ms. Gibbons was a woman of many words and this response was very different. Ms. Gibbons repeated the statement and then told Tavia they will talk tomorrow once she has had a chance to think about what Ms. Gibbons meant.

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Similar to the 8-count marching around in Tavia's mind, the words “Live in your truth" joined in to stir up an emotional whirlwind Tavia was too fragile to handle. Soon as she got home, she collapsed on the bed, began to cry and immediately fell into a deep sleep. All of a sudden, Tavia heard the tune “I'll be home for Christmas” playing. She slowly opened her eyes to see her grandmother sitting in her favorite rocking chair crocheting a sweater. Tavia hadn’t seen her grandmother in a while so she excitedly jumped out of bed to hug her.

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Jee-ma was clearly confused by Tavia's excitement and her humongous embrace. Tavia laughed at her Jee-ma's bewildered face and walked in the kitchen to get a drink. A few minutes later, her grandmother joined her. After a few laughs and trips down memory lane, Jee-ma asked Tavia when she would be returning to work. “You know, the holidays are almost over and the new year is approaching. I remember you said your boss was a stickler for deadlines and wanted financial reports due ahead of time". Tavia, with a questioned look blankly repeated “Boss, financial reports, deadlines". She had no idea what her Jee-ma was referring to. Deep in her thoughts, Tavia eyes wandered above the living room bookshelf where her grandmother kept her dance photos. She looked once from afar and then walked closer only to realize there were no dance pictures- just pictures of her high school graduation, her first apartment, and her first trip to Spain. The dance pictures had vanished. Tavia noticed a key sitting next to one of the frames but couldn’t pick it up because she was frozen with confusion.

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She shakily called her grandmother’s name and asked her where the dance pictures were. Jee-ma pointed to the pictures near the couch and instant relief washed over Tavia. She smiled and turned to pick up one picture expecting to see her face but it was her baby cousin, Drea, dressed in a white tutu. Another picture showed Drea in front of Radio City Music Hall with what appeared to be a dance group. Devastated, Tavia sat down. She already knew the answer but wanted to ask anyway. “Jee-ma, are there any pictures of me dancing?” Her grandmother looked at Tavia and examined her strained face. “My dear, you weren't interested in dance. You know you’re the more technical one and Drea is the artistic one. Remember when we saw her perform in New York City?” 

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The room began to spin and Tavia felt light-headed. Her grandmother saw the look on her face and quickly ran to hold her before she hit the floor. The words “live in your truth" came rushing in like a flood. Tavia looked into her grandmother's concerned eyes and said “I can't live without dance. What is my life without it?” Jee-ma was about to speak but Tavia cut her off and began repeating “My truth is dance and I will live in my truth, my truth is dance and I will live in my truth". 

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Tavia jumped out of bed and looked around frantically. She was back in her apartment and her grandmother was nowhere to be found. Tavia rushed to the phone to call her grandmother and when she picked up Tavia blurted out “I dance right?! I’m a dancer right?!” Her Jee-ma chuckled and replied “Yes sweets, you have always been. Why you ask?” Tavia didn’t have time to explain to her grandmother what happened because she was late for practice but she told her Jee-ma she would fill her in on the weird dream she had at a later time.

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Tavia threw her clothes on and ran a few blocks to her local dance studio. She arrived in the middle of Ms. Gibbons class and quickly took a spot in the back of the room but Tavia did not stay there for long. Ms. Gibbons noticed Tavia's fire had returned and she happily watched as she glided across the floor like the dream she was. After class, Tavia decided to stretch near an open window before she left for the day. Ms. Gibbons walked over and immediately gave her the biggest hug. “My swan is back". Tavia blushed and thanked Ms. Gibbons for her advice.

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As Tavia was walking home, she reached into her bag to get her house keys and the key she spotted at her grandmother’s house fell out of her bag to the ground. Tavia questioned whether the dream was real but it couldn't have been, right? Tavia, surprised, picked the key up, held it close, and exhaled. She looked up into the sky as it began to snow and spoke to the clouds. “My truth is dance and I’m living in my truth. Thank you for allowing me to see that”. Tavia was not the least bit concerned about a break any longer and danced all the way home.