Imaginary safe haven

I had to hurry up and disinfect everything as fast as possible, my room, the kitchen, the bathroom. I had bought earlier today everything i needed, from diluted bleached solution, alcohol solution to disposable gloves to hand sanitizers. My eyes were darting from the pile of worn clothes in my chair, to the milk drops in the kitchen table, to the toothpaste stains and the razors in the bathroom sink, every tiny bacteria could be a possible source of contamination.

'I have to wash my hands, that will calm my nerves,' - i thought while trying to relax and slow down my breath. 'I have everything under control, nothing is going to happen to me.'

As i was scratching the bathroom floor many times in a row to make sure it is intact, i was humming a melody my mother used to sing to me to put me back to sleep, everytime i had a nightmare.

'I miss her so terribly. Is she going to be safe?'

In the meantime the distant voice of the newscaster from the TV in the other room sounded worried, even alarming, the norm of these days. The world had started to resemble more and more to a dystopian book, describing a slow but certain collapse of the face of reality as we know it, where the only ones who survive are those who adapt.

Even my own house had stopped feeling like a safe haven, ever since this unknown virus started spreading it's tentacles across the country. The doorknob, the light switch, the remote control, my keys, even this filthy cloth i was using to clean up the bathroom, they all could harbor contaminants, they could be hiding the virus. At least, during wartime air raid sirens would warn people of the enemy, of the bombs coming and they could be heard even from a distance of 25 miles. You knew you had to hide, if you were lucky, you knew where to hide, you knew the enemy or at least the flag of the nation it represented. And now?

'The enemy could be in my hands. My hands, i have to wash them again,'- i thought, as i was staring at my dried out hands. I washed them and then i washed them again, just to be sure.

But this virus could be in the air, it may perhaps be resting in the clothes i used when i went out, it could have even found his way in my throat. How can i fight back? Once the outer line of defence of the body is breached, the virus has penetrated inside. The body starts fighting a silent war, one can tell that the body is winning, as long as it doesn't break down, gasping for air because of a terrible lung failure. Then, the battle is as good as lost.

'And my mom? She is all alone, in a big, empty house. Wrinkled and old, but beautiful, the most beautiful. I cannot go to her anymore.'

I didn't feel like cleaning, i most certainly didn't feel like touching anything at all, but i had to pull it together and at least try to build some imaginary safety by disinfecting every little thing, that catches my eye.

'If i could just scratch the bathroom floor once more, it would all turn out okay.' And so i scratched the bathroom floor one more time.

'And if i would also clean the toilet, the image of my mom with tubes attached to her nose and mouth, would disappear.' And i also cleaned the toilet.

'If i would undust all the surfaces and the window corners, i'd get my job back within a month.' And my house looked cleaner than ever before.

'If i would do one load of laundry per day, then i'd find a way to come up with the money for the rent next month.' And the laundry was done for the day.

With these pathetic motivators, i could get myself moving.

Is fear or hope motivating me? Who knows?

I needed to listen to my mom's voice, and so i called her.

-Mom, are you doing okay?

-I'm doing okay, sweetie. Knowing you, you must be terrified now, - she said laughingly.

-I am a bit worried, yeah, you're right. Listen, when this is all over, remember that trip i promised you to Greece? We're going, there's no backing down, okay? - i said, trying to hold back my tears.

-Oh dear, i remember, let's put this situation behind our backs first and then we'll talk again about Greece, alright? I don't even have a nice bikini.

-Mom, i'll buy you one. Perhaps i'll even buy myself a matching one. We'll go there, have some girls' time. Drink some martini and have fun. I miss you so much, mom. I'm sorry i didn't come. - i said, finally letting my tears out. The last thing i wanted was to make her sad, and here i was, with my emotions standing in the way, again.

-I miss you too, it's okay, it's going to turn out just fine, - she started slowly humming her lullaby from the phone. I couldn't help but smile and stare out into the rain. This is what being calm felt like.

After a few minutes of spacing out, i remembered and asked her:

-Mom, what about the food? Do you have enough food?

-I have some noodles, rice and vegetables piled up, even some lentils, to make that delicious lentil porridge that you hated as a kid.- she laughed.

-Oh mom, what i wouldn't give for that lentil porridge now... you know, i can barely make eggs...

-But the neighbors have offered to always go shopping for groceries for me as well. They'll ask me what i need and they'll bring it to me, so that i don't go out.

-So nice of them. mom. Still, be careful, okay? And keep Greece in mind. Try to even workout a bit, to be in the best shape, for when summer comes, okay? - i joked.

-I'll be careful, love. And you better sharpen your cooking skills. It's now or never. Take care of yourself as well and call me, anytime. I won't be that busy so... - she said and slowly hung up.

Sometimes the blurb written on the cover at the back of a dystopian book gave hints that, the disastrous situation came to an happy ending for some. Most probably this event will also turn out okay.

But, will it turn out good for me, for mom? - i thought as i was staring at the rain drops falling on my window, finding some relief, some peace, just for a few moments.