The Spatula Drawer

“Mom. Where in the heck did you put my spatula? You’d think this was your house by the way you rearrange everything to your liking. Mom?!”

“You bellowed?”

“Where have you been?”

“Out celebrating. Where do you think?”

“And what exactly are you celebrating?”

“My fifty-ninth birthday of course.”

“For the tenth—make that eleventh year in a row. I guess technically that would be twelve times you’ve celebrated that age. Which was also a week ago.”

“So what? I like being fifty-nine, so that’s the number I’m sticking with.”

“No matter how old you get? Okay. Then that means I can stop thinking about what to get you for your birthday and go back to what I did for your fifty-ninth, which was supposed to have been the end of an era. You know before you turned sixty, thing.”

“Great. Cholesterol and alcohol.”

“Some people call it a nice meal – steak and lobster followed by a caramel covered chocolate cake with a glass of wine. You always tell me don’t buy me anything. I don’t need anything. And you used to love that meal, said it was your favorite. You also used to hint that I should buy it more than once a decade or so.”

“Well, I’m over it. I want something new from now on.”

“Like I’ve been doing? Great. Got it. Where did you put my spatula?”

“What makes you think I’m the culprit?”

“There’s you and me and a dog. Do you really think Tiger hid it?”

“What a dumb name for a pet.”

“Did you say something?”

“Nope. Of course it couldn’t be that mutt of a thing—”

“—that I named after you.”

“Definitely what I wanted for a namesake. I get naming it Tiger for my dynamic personality but I’m quite sure you named it that for a whole different reason?”

“You’d be right. I named him—”

“—and it’s a male of course. That makes no sense that you’d name him after—”

“—if you’d let me finish. I named him after you, based on that hair issue you had a few months ago.”

“That isn’t funny.”

“It kind of is. You both have or had the same streaky hair color. It’s great that after all this time you felt the need to learn how to do your hair like your hairdresser does, but without her assistance. I guess it was harder than you thought.”

“Well, aren’t you all smart-alecky. You should be proud that a woman of my age wanted to learn something new. It’s not my fault the instructions are stupid. It said to leave it in for fifteen to sixty minutes. What does that even mean?”

“It means that if you read all of the instructions, so that you knew to check your hair every ten minutes.”

“Well, excuse me. I was busy doing other things.”

“Then I guess you shouldn’t have taken on the task of trying to figure out how to color your own hair.”

“And this is why I have no grandchildren.”

“How does you doing your hair, such that it turned out looking like tiger stripes, have to do with my being a very intelligent, free woman, who knows better than to saddle kids with a grandmother like you?”

“That hurt. But you were right not to have kids. You’d have made an awful mother.”

“I learned from the best.”

“Thank you. I do believe that is the best compliment you’ve ever given me.”

“There might have been one other. Remember that time I had a flat tire and you flagged down that passing driver for help?”

“My memory is that you yelled at me for forty-five minutes.”

“Because you left to get help but didn’t return for an hour and a half.”

“He wanted to buy me a drink. I wasn’t about to turn that down. But back to the issue at hand, when did you compliment me?”

“When I told you, that you were one of the few people in the world who could incite me to commit murder.”

“Oh that. I thought that was kind of funny. You always come across as unflusterable.”

“That’s not a word.”

“It is because I just said it.”

“Of course. I’m glad you find it funny that you made me so angry I wanted to plant you in the ground beside Dad.”

“If you ever plant me in the ground beside that man, I’ll haunt you for the rest of your life.”

“Oooh. I’m scared. When did this become a thing that you don’t want to be buried with Dad?”

“The minute I learned he cheated.”

“He what? Dad would never have cheated on you with another woman. What makes you think he did?”

“I didn’t say another woman. I said he cheated.”

“Which means?”

“He died before he was supposed to. He cheated me of so much. We had plans. He left me alone. How am I, by myself, supposed to do all the things we were going to do – travel, see the sights, have fun. I was his princess and he just—dammit. I had to learn to do things.”

“Like?”

“Pay bills. Keep track of money. I don’t do that stuff.”

“Why haven’t you asked for help? I could have…”

“What? Said no? I don’t need that.”

“You spend money like there is an endless supply of it. Dad wasn’t very good at saying no to you.”

“He did, too. He had me on a budget. Always a budget. But I stayed within that limit. Well, sort of. I never had to worry. He was so good with that stuff.”

“You mean keeping track of money? Or keeping you from sending the two of you to the poor house?”

“Both. He was the love of my life.”

“He loved you too, Mom.”

“I know. I miss him so much.”

“Me too. He kind of left a big hole in both of our lives.”

“It makes me so sad to think he’s not there to talk to. To do things with. To have him drive me around wherever I want to go.”

“He was very good to you.”

“I know it. We were always busy. He was our connector. We had lots of friends to do stuff with. Now…”

“You struggle with that. Me too. I don’t do well at making or keeping friends.”

“Since we haven’t really celebrated my birthday yet, want to go for a burger?”

“Sure. Let me grab my wallet.”

“Glad to hear you’re buying.”

“What did you say?”

“You driving or am I?”

“Mom, I’m not in the mood for an accident. Or jail. I’ll drive. Do you even still have your driver’s license?”

“All right. You’re driving. Let’s go. I don’t have all day.”

“As soon as you walk out the door we can go.”

“Well excuse me. I’m going. Don’t forget to lock up. And don’t drive fast, you just about gave me whiplash last time.”

“And you damn near broke my ear drums with your lecture. Can we park the snarky while we have lunch?”

“If you insist. By the way your spatula is in the spatula drawer.”

“I don’t have one of those.”

“You do now.”